(Closed) When love might not be enough….

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Doubtful: Forgive me if this is rude, but are absolutely prepared to deal with this guy if he does propose to you? Are you prepared to deal with his expectations that you do his laundry for him, cook for him, clean up after him, etc? As well as whatever guilt issues he has been struggling with because of the religion he was raised with? After a life of being pampered by his mother, it sounds like he doesn’t really know how to take care of himself. Regardless of whether he puts a ring on your finger, are you sure you’re up to the emotional and psychological strain of dealing with a man who may not be fully developed as an independent human being? I think it’s great that you are ready to commit to him, I would just caution you to think long and hard about whether this man deserves you.

I second the suggestion of encouraging him to seek therapy. It seems like there are other, deeper issues at play here than a reluctance to commit. I would also advise the OP to hold off on making a commitment to this man until he has sorted out some of his personal issues–moved out of his parent’s house, learned to take care of himself, etc. But that’s just my opinion πŸ™‚

Post # 48
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

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@mckernae:  I agree, the more I think about this situation the more the phrase “Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it” comes to mind.  I realize that you have given this man three years of your life but that is better than you would feel at 4, 5, or 6 years.

Post # 49
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

@Doubtful: I just want to give you a quick version of my story.. I was with someone for 6 years I was totally and utterly in love head over heals no exaggeration. First three years I was patient I waited never brought it up and things were great finally all our friends around us started to get engaged I still didn’t say anything but he could tell it was getting to me he said don’t worry it will happen, its coming, we will get there, 3 years later when he even told my mother “I am going to propose to your daughter” on my 25th birthday at a nice beautiful expensive dinner in nyc he looks at me and says I am sorry I can’t get married, I am just not ready it was the most painful day of my life I cried and had to make the hard decision to let him go.. Now I am with my BF and it will be a year I am so happy he is the most amazing man and my best friend and we went to go look at rings 2 weeks ago trust your gut I knew that my ex was horrible I ignored the signs and he broke my heart.. But I am happier then I have ever been and I wouldn’t of changed a thing to how I got where I am today. I am not saying this is your situation but keep your options open if you have too. Good Luck wishing you all the best

Post # 50
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

good girl – I think you’re doing the right thing! 

Post # 53
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like Mr. Bee’s plan is working…whether it is in the way you had intended or not, it sounds like it’s clearing some things up for you and putting you in a better frame of mind!

Post # 54
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

He has not bothered to ask if anything is wrong, which only confirms what all has been said, he is comfortable with the situation of the relationship. This has proven to me that he could really care less if he see’s me ever again. The more this window opens the more I’m breathing freely πŸ™‚

He could be not asking in order to give you time to “cool off” and give you your space if he thinks that’s what you want.  Just saying this because I was hurt one time when my guy did not follow-up with me and he said afterwards he didn’t because he thought that’s what I want.  Guys aren’t good at reading minds.

That said, giving yourself space is a good thing (and frankly, I think this guy has major issues if he’s still living at home for no good reason).  I just wanted to toss another thought out on why he might not be quizing you.  He’s clearly not a demonstrative/talkative fellow, it sounds like that makes him uncomfortable and sends him into silence as a default response.

Post # 56
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I agree- if he was the least bit concerned then he would try to talk to you- I think he doesn’t care and good for you for making the steps to being rid of him. He doesn’t deserve you.

Post # 57
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Doubtful:  Oh I think he cares alright! He’s just not asking because he doesn’t want to talk about how you’re feeling.  He knows but he’d rather avoid confrontation, especially now, because you’re putting the marriage thing front and center.  He wants it on the back burner – forever.  Why? Because the status quo suits.  I still can’t get over – if I understand the recent timeline correctly – that he just completed a week’s stay-cation at your place when his Mommy and Daddy were away and only because they were away, and thinks it’s just dandy for him to be back ‘home’ now, now that they’ve returned… and to leave you alone.  You tell him … that he leaves you alone all the time, refuses to enter into a committed relationship with you as two adults, refuses to make a home with You.  And you tell him tho’ he may be living under the yoke of his parents like some overgrown teenager that you’ve chosen a much richer life of independence and liberation. Heck, if someone doesn’t break from their past, how’re they supposed to make room for a future?

 

Post # 58
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Make sure you’re very clear with him WHY you are leaving and what needs you have that have not been met. My impression is that this man will not gather information well from subtlety. Be as direct as possible.

Post # 60
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m glad you stuck up for yourself and told him how you feel! I’m also glad that you have an internal deadline and plan to stick to it. It sounds like you’re not feeling 100% sure about him or the relationship at this moment (the not saying you love him, putting plans in place to move on, etc). What he said sounds like excuses to me, but I hope he proves me wrong!

Post # 61
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I hate to say it, but I’ve been there. If you stay, the only person who’s going to be changing their mindset is you. Sounds like he’s used to getting whatever he wants without having to change his ways, and if he hasn’t changed his ways for you in three years, he isn’t going to.

You can do better than this. But sadly, the older we get, the more it becomes a man’s market. Might keep that in mind before you throw away another three years on this guy. It doesn’t sound like you’ll ever take the place of mommy.

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