Well yesterday afternoon finally spurred the question, what is going on, what is wrong ? I hesitated, took a deep breath, calmly told him why I was not seeing him. Throughly explained, in detail, that my needs in this relationship were not being met. That I felt he has no desire to be with me in the sense of marriage by his lack of actions and words. Mentioned that I’ve proven over and over not only love for him, but that I’d be a great wife and companion, this apparently is not enough or good enough for you and your needs in this relationship are not the same as mine and I know longer understand the relationship and am very confused. Advised him that I was angry at myself for falling for this game and assuming things he did not say. Stated that there is no reason that I should have to be scared of this conversation, no reason to avoid it, no reason for me to even have to be having it with him. Informed him that this was in no way a time line or ultimatum as I feel that would be wrong to pressure or force him into something he apparently did not want to do nor desire with me.
Also mentioned how he went immediately running back home last week and how he is aware that he has continued hurt me doing this not to mention that at intimate times, I sometimes feel he should just leave money on the night stand afterwards. Made it very clear that his negative words /conversation about us getting married were disrespectful, hurtful and have lead me to the conclusion that he is not man enough to step up and be honest with me but instead, continues to mislead me for his own happiness.
I stated that this living with the parents is now simply wrongly immature and that I feel he treats his parents as if he were 12 , that he is in fact the one that never grew up and perhaps needs some therapy with this. I pointed out several things about his parents knowing that we are in an adult relationship and that his excuses are no longer acceptable nor tolerable. That I have stood by him through thick and thin, been patient, kind, understanding, loving, giving, but this has all gotten me no where. I told him I can not go on vacation with him knowing that this relationship is nothing more than a connivence for him and that I refuse to go attempt to have a good time knowing all along that there will be no happily ever after.
Also told him that he does not communicate with depth, express his desires and needs. I have waited long enough as we are not young kids unaware of what we are doing and that any man who wants to be with a woman will do whatever , whenever and that nothing stops him and there are no excuses. That no woman should have to ask these questions and that he has made himself perfectly clear to me this past week with his comments to his friends etc., that he is somewhat selfish and a wee bit too self involved and these things need to change immediately, that without change, nothing will work for us. That if I kept my mouth shut on this issues, we’d be playing this dating game 10 yrs from now!
After that 20 minute rant, he stopped me and said you know what I want. I said, no, I absolutely do no “know” anything, I have concluded by your actions and lack of them. If you can not say the words of what you want, than I will continue to assume I am correct that this relationship is over. He finally said, I want to get married. I said, do you simply want to get married in general or do you want to marry me ? He said, yes, I want to marry you and I’m sorry you could not respect that I needed to wait 2 yrs to ensure that this was the right thing for both of us, me having never been at this point in my life and you having been divorced, I wanted to make sure this was the real and right thing. I commented, 2 yrs ? We’ve been together over 3. He said yes, we have but the first year was very rough for us and it was not until the second year that I fell in love with you. That he had no intentions of screwing up my life with another divorce as you have said over and over you would never make it through another divorce, it would kill you financially and mentally.
I ended that with well, than you should have been saying this all along and not ignoring these issues when I brought up marriage etc. and moving onward in this conversation, I will not be waiting around for you to find new excuses, I will not be waiting for months to talk about this again, I will not be waiting around to get a ring and than another year of engagement to get married. He stated I have no intentions of waiting that long to which I said, this is the end of my input to this conversation. The ball is in your court, again, I will not give you a time line, but it would be in your best interest to recall what you just said.
He than asked to come over and go out to dinner, which I agreed too and we met up with others so that the night was not heavy with this feeling of the conversation. Sadly enough, when the night ended, I did not, as we always do, say I love you. Unfortunately, I do not have 100% faith that any thing will happen, but if it does, I will meet it with positiveness, if it does not, I will positively be leaving the relationship on June 1st as I have booked a trip to go see my bff for a week and there will be no better time than to recover from a broken heart. Sitting on the fence waiting to fall or fly ! Either way, I feel better stating my case and I know no matter what happens, I will be a better person for being true to myself 🙂