Post # 1
So thankfully, this post is not about me, but about one of my best friends and her husband. They are blessed to have two little boys, one is 2 ½ and one is 8 months. The first boy was planned and the second boy was an oops- as in my friend “forgot” to take her BC pills for several days. When they got married, when discussing children, he wanted one and she wanted two. Well, now that they ended up with 2 kids, the husband is DONE. Like wanting to schedule the vasectomy done. But my girlfriend came to me today and asked my advice about her “plan” to get her husband to agree to a 3rd baby.
Ladies, I love my friend, but she has just seemed obsessed with babies lately. I really feel like she is being unreasonable about this and is maybe going to piss her husband off and make him bitter. My advice in the moment was that she needed to chill on the baby talk for a bit and wait until she had at least one kid fully out of diapers before bombarding her husband anymore. But secretly, I am feeling like it is kinda sucky of her to do this to him. I mean, she knew going in that he only wanted one- and now they have one additional child already. I guess I am looking to see if I gave half-way decent advice and to see what you all thought about moms(or dads) who pressure the spouse to have more kids than the “previously-agreed-upon- amount”. Or is there always room for negotiations?
Post # 3
I don’t think it’s fair for people to trick their spouses into having babies. There are so many people I know who had accidental babies that were not accidental on one person’s part and it bugs me. I don’t think that, in a partnership, one person should dictate something as important as having children, and I especially don’t think that bringing a child into the world decietfully is a good way to keep a relationship healthy.
If one party really wants more kids than the other, they should be able to plead their case, so to say, but if it doesn’t work, what more can you do than accept it for what it is? Especially if there was an agreed upon number of children planned.
My Fiance has a son that was born when he was around 20, and he has always suspected the ‘birth control failure’ wasn’t exactly a failure, and I know that has seriously coloured his perception of his son’s mother, ever since. It’s a good way to totally mess up your spouse’s trust in you.
Post # 4
That is so wrong for her to have tricked him into another child. Very, very wrong. And quite frankly, this isn’t a surprise to her that he didn’t want a house full of children – he wanted one, she wanted two. She got two, and his mind hasn’t changed. She gets pregant with a third by the same tactics – I predict the end of the marriage. She is being completely disrespectful of her husband.
Of course there is always room for negotiation, but it doesn’t sound like she negotiated or he changed his mind. She just went off BC and got pregnant.
Post # 5
I think that’s terrible. Children are forever and if one half of the equation is not comfortable adding the responsibility of another mouth to feed then the other half has to understand that. Its fine to discuss it and try to come to a compromise but to manipulate the situation is dirty.
I kind of have a feeling that this is the road by BIL & SIL are going to go down. Their daughter is 5 months old and it wouldn’t surprise me if my SIL is already thinking about #2. She made a comment about stocking up on formula while they’re able to get a discount on it to save for their next kid. Now I’m not entirely sure but I would imagine that formula does not have a shelf life of numerous years (could be wrong). My BIL loves his daughter but he did NOT want to have a baby right now. She did though, so it happened. The last 5 months have been anything but easy and to be completely honest, adding another baby to their family would be very irresponsible. I don’t know if my SIL even see’s that though.
Darling Husband and I disagree when it comes to the number of kids we want (I want 1, he wants 2) but we’ve both agreed to see how we fare with the first and then decide if we want to go through that hell again, lol. After he see’s just how much work it is, I think he’ll come over to my “only child” side. I joke that until he’s able to “crap out a human”, he doesn’t get a say in how many my body produces. Of course I’m kidding (mostly) but when the woman wants less than the man does, I do think that her decision should ultimately trump his if a compromise cannot be made.
Post # 6
If she intentionally didnt take her pills then thats not really fair to the guy. Cant they talk things through and come to an honest compromise? Besides in her situation she seems to have already gotten her way by having a 2nd baby. I think pushing for a 3rd will be a bit too much
Post # 7
Wow, I can’t believe people who do this to their spouses!! Being deceitful is wrong… she would be upset if he were lying about something major (i.e. cheating), but how is it okay for her to lie about taking birth control?? This type of lie is a biggie, and I hope she realizes that she’s putting her desire for another child over the health of her marriage. Does she desire to be a single mom? Sorry, it just angers me when I hear other women talk like this at work, too.
Post # 8
Yikes. She needs to step back and realize that this could ruin her relationship with her husband. It really disturbs me when people are so cavalier about just going ahead and making major life decisions without consulting their spouse. This is a marriage, not Baby-Maker and Sidekick. Faking a whoops baby is like racking up debt behind your spouse’s back or deciding to put your house on the market without telling them, only worse. This is a human life she’s toying with and she’s acting like it’s some little secret game like those Facebook breast cancer awareness statuses.
Post # 9
Yikes! Thats terrible. I would advise her to let it go. She already got her way.
Post # 10
Just to clarify, I really have no idea how intentional it was that she forgot her pills. I didn’t mean for the conception of the 2nd baby to sound THAT malicious, although it was not a decision that they came to together.
Post # 11
@eeniebeans: Haha, well that does make it much better. But still. A child is a lifelong commitment. He’s clearly out of his comfort zone already–though I’m sure he loves his sons–adding more children when one partner emphatically does not want them is just poor parenting.
Post # 12
I know somehow who “accidentally” had a 3rd, even while her husband’s job was shakey and he was really stressed about it, and she was a stay at home mom. He did NOT want a 3rd, she did, and whoops!
My husband and I actually had a discussion the other day, which do we think is more deceitful– cheating, or purposely getting pregnant “by accident”? I really thinking tricking someone into a baby is one of the worst breaches of trust that you can do. Sounds like your friend needs to really calm down. Has she always been like this, or could post baby hormones be acting up? I mean, there should always be room for discussion, but I feel like when there is a disagreement, probably the lower number should stand, you know? H wants 1 or 2, I want 2 or 3, so right now, the plan is 2.