(Closed) When one spouse refuses to move, but the other wants to…

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

45 miles is nothing. He’s being unreasonable and should definitely move. You moved 1700miles. I would postpone the wedding until he’s willing to move. I’m a city girl and could never be happy in a place like you’re describing, so I totally get it. 

Post # 32
Member
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I was with someone like this. Where you live defines your life in every single way; none of what you have said it petty. Also, it wasn’t just about the location where we lived, though. It was about having to be incorporated into his life with his birth family, rather than him being willing to start a life with me, to start our life, to someday have our own family. I felt like I would always be second to that priority, and it sounds like you might be already. I would think very hard about marrying him, and I would most certainly postpone until you feel absolutely certain that it is the right choice. Lay this out for him. 

Post # 33
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

ABL12490:  

I would start looking for a great job and see where that leads you. a 45 mile commute sucks but it’s not the end of the world, maybe just doing something full time and more fulfilling will help.

just for the record I think he is totally being stubborn. but some just don’t want to live anywhere else and unfortunately it sounds like it is up to you whether that is a deal breaker or not. 

Post # 34
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ABL12490:  you don’t sound petty. I wouldn’t be happy with that living situation either. if anything, it sounds like your fiancé is being selfish and stubborn!

Post # 35
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

ABL12490:  I think it really depends on the reasons behind each spouse’s feelings.  My husband spent 5 yrs wanting to move and I wouldn’t budge on the topic.  

Ultimately it came down to the simple fact that he couldn’t do the things he enjoyed doing where we lived and I didn’t want to move because I’d always envisioned myself living close to family.  In the end, his unhappiness was enough to make me reconsider my stance, but even still, it was another year before we were able to work out the logistics of how and where we could move that would make us both happy.  

It’s been about 2 years how and I can blissfully say that making that move was the best choice we ever made not just for him but for us as a family/couple.  It’s hard sometimes and I do miss being close to my family and sometimes I miss out on things living so far away; but in the end we’re both happier people and we have a healthier relationship because I was willing to reconsider my feelings on the move.  

Post # 36
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

It depends on who is changing the game plan. Did you mutually agree to live in your current city forever? Did you agree to travel and move around? Did you just never talk about it?

Hopefully you can find a compromise that works for you. Feelings change, so the person whose views are new can’t be blamed as long as they were and are honest.

Post # 37
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Family only street as in only his family?

 

…do any of them play the banjo? 

 

…Or squeal like a pig?

Post # 38
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I’m dealing with this same issue. I hate where I live because everyone is so stuck up and pretentious. I don’t want to start a family here because I don’t want my kids being around that kind of environment. No joke, “the best” 3-Pre K program in my city costs $22,000 per year! The child needs to have a private interview with the principal when he/she is 2 years old to see if the school will accept them. It’s really just a club for the wealthy, and parents pay to meet other filthy rich parents. The problem is, my husband’s job is here and there’s no chance for a transfer. 

I guess I’m just destined to raise spoiled brats and have to deal with their friend’s spoiled parents. Hopefully I can teach my kids good values before they go to school and they don’t get too influenced by their peers. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  hwilliams18.
Post # 40
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

ABL12490: DH and I both grew up moving a lot. Since we’ve been together we’ve lived in 3 different states. I think we’re lucky in that way because we’re both definitely up for moving and not afraid of the unknown or tied to a specific place.

We recently had a discussion about when we’re going to leave NYC and I was more on the “let’s move soon” side and he was more on the “let’s move later” side. For us the compromise was struck by really getting beyond the moving issue and getting to the root of why we wanted different things. His reasons ended up being completely career motivated, which really surprised me. 

He told me he’s excited about work for the first time ever and he wants to see where this business can take him. He told me he was afraid that if he left now he’d always wonder about it. I told him I wanted to move because I want to build equity and stop renting and that we can’t save enough for a down payment until we leave NYC. I explained that I worried a lot about timelines and that if we moved it would still be at least a year or two until we were in a home of our own. He admitted he hadn’t thought of that and I told him I didn’t want him to miss out on a great opportunity but that it would be easier for me to stay in NYC if there was some sort of end date.

He suggested we move in a year and half saying that it would be more than enough time at his job and that he agreed with my reasons for moving. I’m totally fine with staying another year and a half because I know after that point we’ll still be on my timeline for buying a house, etc. Basically my advice is to figure out what exactly the reasons are and figure out if there’s a good compromise. If he’s afraid of being away from family maybe you can commit to visiting for holidays, etc. 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  swonderful.
Post # 41
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Have you been able to reach any sort of compromise yet?

The topic ‘When one spouse refuses to move, but the other wants to…’ is closed to new replies.

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