(Closed) when only 1 parent contributes…(invite wording)

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i have the same problem exactly! my mom is paying ~$10k and my Fiance and i are paying for the rest. my FI’s parent’s aren’t giving us a cent and i really don’t think they should be acknowledged on the invites but i would like for my mom to be recognized…. so i hope we get some good advice. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I couldn’t imagine only acknowledging one of our parents on the invitations, regardless of the situation. The other parents would be crushed, at least in our situation. 

In the old-timey days, when the brides parents paid for the wedding, both parents were still listed on the invitations, weren’t they? 

If I got an invitation with only one set of parents’ names on it I would assume there was some serious family drama going on. 

Post # 5
Member
8696 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mrs-evans:  My parents are contributing about $40k and my FI’s family is contributing $0. We also couldnt figure out a way to nicely word it so we just put both parents. My parents didn’t mind. I couldnt imagine leaving my FI’s mom off just bc she cant afford to help.

Post # 6
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

We paid for the wedding ourselves but we still use “Together with their family, Bride & Groom invites you blah blah.” The way that I see it, the wedding is a family affair.  Even if they did not give us money, we still felt like our parents were still contributing in other ways.  My mom was very helpful with planing some details. And ultimately they were the ones that made us who we are so we included them on the invites.

Post # 7
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I guess I don’t get this whole thing every time it comes up. If my parents (or his) were actually paying for (which in my mind, translates as “hosting”) the wedding, it would be one thing. But if they’re giving you a “gift” to put towards your wedding (ie. my parents “gift” is also about 25% due to the guests they added), I don’t see why you need to acknowledge it on your invitations. You and your groom are still hosting. Maybe that’s just me though because I see this coming up a lot on the boards.

Post # 8
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@sanjessica:  Yeah, I agree. Both of our parents are helping some, but we’ll be paying for the majority of the wedding. We wont be putting our parents’ names on the invitations, and probably wouldn’t even if they paid for it all. I do, however, understand that it’s tradition to have their names on it and I get why some people still do it. 

Post # 9
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

We split the wedding with my parents so we wrote:

 

together with (my dad and mom)

bride &

groom invite you

to celebrate, etc. etc.

 

I got one recently that said:

Together with (brides parents)

Bride

and

Groom

(son of grooms parents)

invite you to attend, etc

Post # 10
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

Mine just say “Together with their parents” My family is contributing majority to the wedding, but I also didn’t want to leave out FI’s side because they couldn’t afford it.  It’s not like they didn’t want to help, the economy is rough right now.  My parents didnt mind.

Post # 11
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@UberNerd_003:  Maybe something like this:

 

Together with Mrs. (Your Mom’s Name),

Bride,

daughter of the late (Your Dad’s Name),

and

Groom,

son of Mr. (His Dad’s Name) and Ms. (His Mom’s Name),

etc. etc.

 

This makes it clear that your mom has contributed toward the cost of the wedding, but it also names your mom as a host. There’s no real way to distinguish that she has contributed without naming her as a co-host, but at least this way she doesn’t appear to be the only host.

Post # 12
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Traditionally, only the bride’s parents were listed because they were hosting.  It’s a relatively new/modern take to include both sets of parents.  I think it’s nice to include both, but you’re certainly not required to.  One option is:

Jane Smith

Daughter of Mrs. Mary Smith and the late Mr. John Smith

and

Bob Jones

request the honor of your presence blah blah blah

 

Or you could do something like

Mrs. Mary Smith

requests the honor of your presence

at the marriage of her daughter

etc. etc. etc.

and at the bottom, you can put something like “In loving memory of Mr. John Smith”

Post # 13
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol, Etiquette Snob here…

Actually from a purely traditonal etiquette stand point the wording on the Invite has always reflected who ever was the Host… (aka had money in the mix)

(So YES, @mrs-evans:  Invites would be issued with ONLY the Bride’s Parents on them… )

In this situation… where the Bride’s Mom and the B&G are co-hosting your options are as follows (traditionally):

Mrs. Daniel Watson Driskill

requests the honor of your presence

at the marriage of her daughter

Susan Patricia

to

Mr. Drew Randolph Donney

Saturday, the twenty-fourth of June

two thousand and thirteen

at three o’clock

Village Lutheran Church

Salem, Massachusetts

OR, if you want to acknowledge your Mother’s Gift, AND the fact that your father has passed on without referring to your Mom as Mrs. DadsName as per the sample above, you could do this…

Diane June Tierney

daughter of Mary Ann Tierney and the late William Tierney

and

James Thomas Duffy

request the honour of your presence

at their marriage

Saturday, the fifth of October

etc.

Both of these examples are per The Post Institute and their Book Wedding Etiquette .. so the necessary wording and punctuation is correct.

As I mentioned at the start of this post, the tradition is that the Invite is issued by whomever has paid for the event (and therefore are the Hosts)…

But if this truly bothers you… you could incorpate his Parents into the Invite as well.

In which case, you could add their names just below your Grooms in example # 2 above…

and

James Thomas Duffy

son of Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence David Duffy

request the honour of your presence

etc.

BUT that does imply that they are issuing the Invite as well (and so are Co-Hosting).. altho considerably less than the style where the Parent’s names are all grouped at the top… in making the proclomation together.

The one thing you do want to avoid in your wording is having your Late Father’s Name appear before the words… requests the honour of your presence… because that would definitely look weird / appear as if a deceased person is issuing the Invite.

Hope this helps (some),

If you need more suggestions (lol, to which there are usually many… on how to make things work), let me know.  OR if you want to talk specifics you can always send me a PM ~ Personal Message here on WBee to maintain your privacy.

 

Post # 14
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

When I first saw someone suggest the “Together with their families…” wording I was really happy because I thought it would be the perfect solution. My parents and my fiancé’s dad are paying for our wedding. His parents are divorced and his mom isn’t really a part of his life (they talk every once in a while but our wedding will be the first time he’s seen his mom in 6 years). I thought it would be weird to only put my parents and his dad on the invitation (since some people might not get that we are putting the names of those paying and not purposely excluding his mom) but I also thought it would be weird to put his mom on there since she isn’t really in his life (she also did not raise him). Anyway, I thought wording that didn’t mention anyone by name would be best. We thought maybe my mom might be a little upset by it. Turns out that my dad was the one with a problem with it. I think we decided to put everyones name on. I still think it’s weird but at least no one will be offended.

Post # 15
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MistySoda:  We were going to use the ‘together with their families’ wording too, but my mom was the one who hated it.  According to her, it sounded like both families cheaped out and didn’t contribute, but the couple trying to be nice to them.  Or that the families didn’t really approve of the wedding and that’s why the names weren’t listed.  We decided to just list everyone out too.  Who would have thought that such a nice phrase would cause problems?

Post # 16
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@This Time Round:  No need to be snarky, I clearly didn’t know, it’s just what I thought it was. 

And anyway, my point is nothing about etiquette. It’s about not hurting someone’s feelings (especially feelings of the family you’re coming into) because they aren’t helping pay for the wedding. 

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