Post # 1
My parents have been divorced for almost 20 years, and their relationship since then has maintained an air of cool tolerance. They are able to communicate about me and my sister amicably and they are fine being in the same places for major events/milestones. My mom is coming out the Wednesday of my wedding week, and she was hoping for us to have a lot of “just us” time working through pre-wedding tasks. She was disappointed when I told her that my dad is coming in on Thursday because “he always monopolizes my time”. I reminded her that my time the days before the wedding is my own to monopolize and that nobody else is really going to dictate what I’m doing those days since I’ll need to get done whatever has to be done. I want to spend time with all of my family and friends as much as I can, and I really don’t care to “pick” between my family members during that week. The tug of war is fine during holidays, but my wedding is not the time I want to be worried about “split shifts”. My mom and I will have Wednesday night together, and I’m sure we will have plenty of us time on Thursday and Friday anyway, but I’m not going to NOT see my other family too just because she wants her time.
Anybody else have parents who acted childish or petty around their wedding?
Post # 2
Yes! Could have written similarly about my in-laws but your approach is right and if you’re anything like me, you’ll be wanting time to just you at some point too – so they can learn to grow up and entertain themselves.
Post # 3
yeah–only my mom will be in as of Wednesday, so I’m hoping that if I spend that evening with her after work, she will be content 🙂 I’m already bummed that I have all of these family members and friends coming who I’ll only get to see for like 5 minutes.
Post # 4
Oh! Me! Me!
My dad wouldn’t even come to my college graduation because my mom was there. He sat at home and streamed it over the internet.
The wedding stuff is even worse, because honestly, I love him, but if he didn’t come to my wedding, it would be SOOOO much easier. Him and I are actually pretty close, but he absolutely hates my mom (I stopped talking to him for 4 years because he called my mom a slut). My mom is cordial, and doesn’t bad mouth him to me, like a responsible adult.
Apparently, not only does my dad hate my mom, he hates her whole family too. He was rambling on about “I hope that asshole <insert uncle’s name here> isn’t at your wedding”… Well Dad, yes, as a matter of fact, he has said he’s coming, and I’m not uninviting him.
Apparently he’s holding on to some grudge from before I was born that literally is the equivalent of “he thought I was in the mob because I’m Italian”… like really? Who the hell cares?
This all happened a few months ago, which by the way was when we were 10 months out from the wedding. I’m excited to see what happens next -_-
I already told him that if he starts anything at the wedding I won’t give two thoughts about having him kicked out, let’s hope he can chill the hell out for one day!
Post # 5
Wow, that’s some grudge holding!
Post # 6
My mother has been divorced from my father for 25 years and is still as bitter and angry about it as she was on the first day…probably more so. She was my age when they split – 47 – and could have easily rebuilt a life for herself. She has always been the martyr type though, so it was easier for her to just blame everything on my father. What she’s currently bitching about is that my father has now been married to his second wife for longer than he was married to her…
My solution regarding my second wedding – after they both acted badly at the first – was to not invite either of them. Never regretted it. I realise that’s probably too drastic for most.
You are doing the right thing. Personally I’ve always felt that if you can’t stand up for what you want when you are getting married, it probably means you aren’t mature enough to be doing it in the first place. I speak from experience, I got married the first time when I was just 21 and let my mother completely take over. Sure sign I wasn’t ready…
Post # 7
YES! My parents relationship was similar to yours. They’ve been divorced for over 20 years and are both happily re-married to current partners for almost as long. They’ve always been civil to each other at joint events but now that wedding planning has come along, my mom suddenly has issues and expects her and her side of the family to be treated better than my dad’s side. It’s ridiculous and childish.
Have you told your mom that it’s causing you stress? Maybe if you schedule some tasks and mom/daughter specific time leading up to the wedding, it’ll help her feel special (on top of the Wednesday night – which to me actually seems very generous with your time in the last few chaotic days before the wedding). You could also talk to her about how excited you are she’ll be helping you get ready the day of – usually dad’s aren’t around for all or most of that part, so it’ll remind her she gets to share a very private, special time with you pre-wedding.
Post # 8
I don’t think that really that bad.. She just sounds like she’s a bit upset right now because she thought she would get more alone time with you. Not like she’s throwing a hissy fit or boycotting the wedding because your dad’s going to be there lol
Post # 9
OMG – MY LIFE.
My parents split up when I was four and, were it not for MY existence, I would never have believed they were together. You could not imagine two more incompatible humans.
My dad is from the Bronx and has the NY attitude you’d expect. He’s a loud, no-nonsense dude with zero filter. My mom is basically the antithesis of him.
My dad moved out of state and I stayed with my mom growing up. Mom re-married 2 years later and has been with the same guy since (my step-dad’s alright, but we’re not real close). Of course, I heard a lot of negative things about how my dad was irresponsible, immature, a jerk, etc. from both of them. My dad moved back 6 or 7 years later because he wanted to have a relationship with me. Thanks to my mom’s influence, I had a tough relationship with my dad and harbored a lot of negative feelings, didn’t trust him and told him I didn’t want a relationship, so he let me be. However, eventually I became a somewhat more reasonable person and sought him out in my early twenties to reconcile. We’ve grown really close since… which infuriates my mom, because we grew more distant.
The last time that my mom, stepdad and dad were all together was my college graduation. Everyone was civil but as soon as one was out of earshot of the other – Oh my lord. They can deal with each other in small doses, so I’m nervous how an extended period of time like a wedding weekend is going to pan out.
Add to that the fact that my dad got married last year, my stepmom is awesome, and they are both contributing to my wedding. My mom haaaates all of these things, however she is not chipping in a damn thing and has made no effort to be involved in any planning. For example: Two weeks ago I called her up and told her we were driving up (FI and I moved out a state) over Memorial Day wkd to tour venues. I invited her to everything, including an appointment I made to look at wedding dresses! She says, “Oh we don’t have gas money to come down” (she lives about 2 hours north of the area we’re staying in). Four weeks notice and you can’t scrounge together enough gas money to come watch your daughter try on wedding dresses? Then she seemed pretty mad when, after I told her I was sorry she couldn’t make it, that my stepmom was going to be at the dress appointment.
I am only in the very early stages of planning my wedding, but I have a feeling this is going to be a fun year. lol