When parents hate your in laws

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

“Mom, my mother in law is part of my family now. Whether or not you agree with her actions is irrelevant. I will not tolerate you speaking ill of her or anyone else from husband’s family”. If she continues to do it, leave. If you tolerate it from her or even try to brush it aside, she is going to take it as you agreeing with her and condoning the behavior. 

Post # 3
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

 

Your mom throwing out insults is unacceptable and you simply need to tell her this.  She’s entitled to her feelings about your Mother-In-Law, but she needs to express them in a cordial way.  You are right to side with your husband on this one, because insults are never right.  You side with the person who isn’t throwing around insults.

“Mom, I cannot and will not listen to you insulting husband’s mom.  I know you hate her, but you can’t use that language.  You wouldn’t want insults like that thrown around at you, so don’t throw them around at others.”

But you say your Mother-In-Law is self absorbed.  For her part, what is she doing wrong?  Your mom’s feelings about your Mother-In-Law may be justified.  Do you like your MIL?  This goes beyond just shutting down the insults.  You may have to worry of both of them can be in the same room during family functions.

Post # 4
Member
13785 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Your mother is entitled to her opinions of your in laws. You may even agree with some of them. What she’s not entitled to do is to disrespect them, especially not within earshot of your husband.

You “handling” your mother or talking to her is really not enough. She needs to apologize to your husband and promise to do better. On his end your husband needs to set appropriate boundaries and make them clear to his mother when it involves your family. 

Without details it’s hard to weigh in but I’d start there. 

Post # 6
Member
15346 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sounds like both your mom and your Mother-In-Law are just charming.  I don’t blame your mom at all for her thoughts, esp if you seem to agree, but surely she can keep her comments from your husband.  If she wants to bitch to you, just do it when he’s not around.  That doesnt seem like that big a ask to me!  That’s just common decency… you don’t bash someones parents in front of them, even if it’s true… unless perhaps they open the door to it and express they share the same feelings.

Post # 7
Member
13973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You tell her bluntly. “Mom, this is my family now and I need you to keep your negative opinions to yourself.” I would also highlight consequences if you feel comfortable  – like maybe you won’t have her and your Mother-In-Law together in the same event, which would affect her ability to see her grandson. 

Post # 8
Member
874 posts
Busy bee

I would just ask her to stop and tell her it’s only hurting YOU and making YOUR life harder. I have an amazing mom who would understand and she’d comply if she knew it was only hurting me. (Although she’d probably have enough sense to not do that to begin with). I understand my family is a lot more mellow than some others, so I’m not sure how your mom would receive that. If it continued, I would ask my husband to please, for my sake, overlook it and be very gracious and forgiving. I’d point blank tell him I agree that she is out of line but that she is my only mom and I still love her even if she’s wrong. My husband thankfully is really laid back and forgiving and I know he’d overlook it for me. I know that’s kind of the unpopular view, as many people (rightfully so) feel the need to put people in their place, but we are anti-drama. If anyone tried to start drama I’d just shut it down by telling them I’m not going to take part in it and I wouldn’t engage. That’s just how I was raised so I don’t know if it helps. 

Post # 9
Member
9228 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

What is your husband’s opinion of his mother? Does he excuse her behaviour? Ignore it? 

Your mother may have legitimate concerns here.

View original reply
@blushingbride2bee:  

Post # 10
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@weddingmaven 

I absolutely agree with weddingmaven that your husband is due an apology from your mother and that needs to be prompted by a frank conversation that you have with her.
I don’t doubt your mother-in-law may be a royal bitch but, I’d still have no issue pointing out to your mom that her rude comments make her behavior no better than the mother-in-law she’s so vocally criticizing.

Post # 11
Member
10293 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@blushingbride2bee:  

Whilst I think you must have a  frank and firm conversation with your mum,  I don’t think any of the speeches  telling n her that your inlaws are your family now will do anything  except inflame the situation 

All she needs to do is shut the fuck up about your mil in front of your husband or any of his family and friends and you need to tell her that . She is allowed not to like your mil, who sounds awful I admit   , but she is not allowed  to say the stuff out loud

Take the line of how hard she is making  it  for you and how edgy and upset  it makes you to be having to pacify  and manage the situation with your husband. Be firm with her and if she will not promise to keep it zipped, then she is going to pay the price in not being around you as much. Tell her you would not permit such things to be said about her by anyone, so its not on  that your husband should have to about this mum. 

Post # 12
Member
4965 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@blushingbride2bee:  it sounds like your Mum is acting in a similar way to your Mother-In-Law.  Its not ok for her to make comments about your In-laws irrespective of what they  do to make your life harder. It’s  even worse that  she would  say it in front of your husband and to also force you to defend your husband constantly. I’d  honestly usually query a bees parent having a genuine and valid concern over behaviour of a spouse in a situation like this. I’d  always ask if their concerns are valid and if maybe the bee should reflect on this. I won’t even go in that direction with you because your husband  acted with thought and civility in this situation by staying quiet and holding his tongue and addressing it with you once you left your parents. To me that signifies he’s a thoughtful person and wouldn’t act out of turn or with disrespect and disregard towards you. It doesn’t sound like your mothers concerns about him are valid. It sounds like he’s one who tries to navigate a difficult situation with a bit of thought and as best he can. 

I think strong  boundaries with both sets of parents is required. Your mum might not like your in-laws and the stress  they  cause you but she’s doing the exact same thing by causing you stress and making your relationship with your husband more difficult to manage. It’s a case of the pot calling  the kettle. To even say you are acting like your Mother-In-Law is an absolutely disgusting tactic. I’d honestly cut time spent with your mum until she learns  that bitching about your in-laws and your husband is not ok. Her stooping to low blow tactics is also  not ok and I’d be telling her so and setting boundaries until  she learns.  

Post # 13
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like your mother and your mother-in-law are both behaving immaturely.  MILs behaviour is appalling, but criticising that behaviour in front of her son and saying you’ll become like her when you remonstrate is no better.

“Mum, I appreciate you don’t like my Mother-In-Law, but she is my husband’s mother and we have a policy of not allowing criticism of our parents.  Please don’t speak like that about her again.”

If she carries on, just reiterate your comment and state that you will have to leave/ask her to leave if she continues.  (If she is staying with you, say that you will be unable to invite her again if she continues to speak this way)

The same rules apply to your Mother-In-Law, only your OH needs to be the one to speak to her.  Hopefully, both mothers would rather stop criticising and keep seeing you than keep criticising and stop seeing you.  But if not…it’s probably best you limit contact with such toxic people anyway, especially when you are raising a young child.  You don’t want your little one growing up to think that such behaviour is normal or even ‘good’.

Post # 15
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Whatever your feelings are regarding your Mother-In-Law, it doesn’t matter. Your mom was WRONG. She shouldn’t be trash talking your Mother-In-Law to you and she absolutely should NOT be trash talking your husband!

I’m telling you right now, this is a pivotal moment in your marriage. If you don’t explicitly and sternly tell your mother that she is out of line & to keep her mouth shut, she will do it again and your husband will likely resent you for it.

 

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