(Closed) When proposal pressure reaches a boiling point

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
4889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

OK, as someone who went through this same thought process a year and some ago – I feel your pain. My boyfriend (now fiance) and I had talked about moving in together. I wanted to wait until we were engaged, as I was giving up a lot by moving in with him and then hoping something would happen. I owned my own home, so that meant that I had to go through the selling process, and had to find a home for my beloved cat (he is allergic). To me, giving up those two things needed more than just a “Yes, it’ll happen once we live together”. This discussion went on for probably a year when I finally said that I would move in, as last summer was approaching and that is a better time to sell a house than another season where I live.

I did ask him one day, and this was before I made the decision to move in with him, for a timeline on how long it would be until we would get engaged once I moved in. He said maybe 4-6 months. OK, at least I had something to go on. I was still skeptical, cos although I knew we weren’t going to break up, I still needed that comittment of a future together to know that what I was giving up was worth it. This was a big step for me, as I had never lived with a boyfriend before.

I moved in with him last mid-July, and my place was put on the market at the end of July. After some falling outs with potential buyers, my place finally sold in October. So, starting in November, I began helping him pay his mortgage and other bills since I was living there and didn’t have my own to stay pay at my condo. This definitely helped him financally, and he was able to pay off some debt faster had I not moved in. Thus, being able to buy an engagement ring – and he proposed last weekend.

I will admit, I did harass him about getting engaged from time to time (OK, A LOT), but so did other people. Like I said, this was a BIG step. I didn’t just want to be living with him to live with him, like as a roomie. Obviously patience prevailed and it worked out. Just communicate and have trust… it’ll work out in the end if it’s meant to be.

Post # 18
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ksus07  +1

Post # 19
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2014

So if you do move in you’re going to have to prove thar you’re not too crazy for him to marry? Like an audition? That sounds awful to me. I’d stick to your guns.

Post # 20
Member
9480 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i nagged DH for a timeline for proposal for a long time as well.  we are in our 30’s and not getting any younger.  he kept telling me he had a timeline but wouldn’t tell me what it was.

he also wanted to live together first for a certain amount of time.  i was afraid of “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” and told him we needed to be engaged within a certain amount of time of him moving in.

he did meet the deadline, he was 1 month early.  and we happily married 7 and half months later.

i was a little disappointed that everything was on his schedule and not a discussion.  he told me after that he wanted to be more traditional with the proposal and try to surprise me.  in the end i knew the exact date of the proposal about 2 weeks before hand and it was still the best proposal ever.

Post # 21
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Frankly, there’s no VALID reason to NEED to live with someone in order to know if you want to spend your life wtih them or not. If you spend enough time together at each other’s homes, you get to know enough to know what living with that person is like.

I would never live with someone before marriage. It isn’t who I am. A man who didn’t understand that IS NOT THE MAN FOR ME.

You do what is right FOR YOU.

I also proposed last year, and he said we couldn’t announce it because “he didn’t ask.” I was devastated. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, that he was being a stubborn mysogynistic dick, and I wanted to just veto the entire fucking process of engagement after that. I felt like, if MY asking wasn’t good enough, why the fuck would him asking be?

I guess I’m kind of still pissed about it. And I didn’t get a real proposal ever from him either, just a statement of “I want to marry you.” That was after he promised I’d get one.

You just have to let go of some things. I stood by my ground to not live together before marriage, but I had to give on the whole proposal thing.

Then again, never ever would I go five years in a relationship without being married. That’s waaaay past “crap or get off the pot” for me. It’s up to you to decide if this relationship is worth a continued wait AND his refusal to understand and work with YOUR values.

 

Post # 22
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@Livelifeveryday  It sucks that that happened to him, and I understand his fear now, but in all honesty it’s lucky that it happened while they were only living together. Can you imagine how much messier it would have been if they were already engaged to be married/already married?

Post # 23
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Livelifeveryday  Well, I kind of think that him wanting to propose after you moved in together was a bad idea/lame move since he KNEW you didn’t want to move in together without a ring. Like, did he think you would magically would change your mind about living together, then he could pull off the engagement? He should have respected your wishes and proposed BEFORE you were set to move in together, not blown up like that.

Post # 24
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Livelifeveryday  Also, by brother and (now) SIL went through something lke this. She was so upset about not having been engaged yet, and finally he blew up and just threw the diamond at her yelling “I HAVE THE DAMN DIAMOND. ITS BEING SET TOMORROW. YOU JUST RUINED YOUR PROPOSAL” and she left crying. But, anyways, they apparently worked it out and got engaged a few months later. And have now been married four years.

Post # 25
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

I live with my SO of 6 years, waiting 2 years, and have never had a moral/religious problem with the idea of committed couples living together before marriage. I love him and am happy living together. That being said… I often wish we had NOT moved in together before getting engaged, because it has definitely prolonged the amount of time I have to wait for a proposal and I often feel that I’m sort of playing the role of a wife without the benefits of an engagement/marriage. All of that makes me feel resentful of him, and mad at myself, and frustrated with our relationship, etc etc all unhealthy things.

So, like I said, this is coming from someone with (previously) no issues with living together before marriage. If you do have an issue with it to begin with, I would recommend you stick to your guns on the subject. He should respect your needs and wishes enough to compromise and propose prior to moving in.

Post # 26
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@Livelifeveryday  Totally agree with you. It makes me nervous when people get engaged before living together – you learn so much about a person, yourself and how you will work as a couple by being together 24/7 that you could just never learn living apart. It’s not just the big things either, it’s the little day to day things.. you need to know you’re 100% compatible in that kind of situation before making a commitment as big as marriage.

If a guy tells you he’ll propose after you move in together and doesn’t – I think its safe to say that a lot of the time, its for a whole other reason. Not because he was tricking you in to it. Its also easier to part ways if things don’t work if you’re not yet engaged/married. I’m happy to ackowledge that obviously neither way guarentees a happy/healthy relationship but that’s just my view 🙂

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@Livelifeveryday  That said, OP, i’m not saying this to necessarily sway you from your beliefs, but just to say that things don’t always have to go the way you imagined and that’s ok (so long as you’re still happy). Maybe just keep the engagement talk on the down low for a bit 🙂

Post # 27
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@westcoast_girl  You are in a much better position right now that you don’t live together. Why would you two moving in together make him want to propose then and not now?? He is NOT making sense. Don’t you dare feel guilty or bad or that you ruined it…you are being smart!!!!

THIS!! 
Please dont beat yourself up about this. He shouldve been man enough to consider your feelings on the matter as well. It cant be all him ,and he cannot bait you into living with him with a proposal, if you are not comfortable. Thats just unfair. 

Post # 28
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you do not want to live with him before you are engaged or married, then you don’t have to.

If he never wants to ask a woman to marry him before living with her, then he doesn’t have to.

Right now you are at an impasse, and either way you go, you lose because you can either feel bullied into cohabitating or feel like you bullied him into proposing. Neither way is something to really look forward to. 

I think the best thing to do is to draw that clear boundary that, while you will not live with him before marriage, you will at least stop badgering him for a certain period of time. You both need to build trust & communication.

I doubt his crazy ex started cheating and cutting the second he moved in, so his trust issues won’t evaporate just by living with you, anyway. I think you both need to communicate better, as it sounds like you as a couple are having a hard time talking about marriage in a productive way. A “timeline” does not consist of “I would propose shortly after you move in,” it is more along the lines of, “I wouldn’t want to get married next summer, but maybe the summer after that. I think that waiting another 3 years would be too long, and I would want at least a year-long engagement.” That is the kind of timeline that actually helps you both plan without the pressure of a itemized calendar. If he can’t even handle that level of conversation, I doubt he’d run out to buy a ring 2 months after you move in.

Post # 29
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Livelifeveryday  

Oh my gosh, I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to address a few things you’ve said here and add my thoughts:

My boyfriend and I had a blowout fight the other night due to a culmination of things. The first was because I didn’t want to live together before getting engaged/out of wedlock.

 OK, this is just wrong. IMO you are 100% correct in refusing to move in without a ring or a date. However, this should never have escalated to the “blowout fight” stage. Girlfriend, you need to claim your power. Just quietly and calmly stand tall and hold your head high and INFORM HIM (no arguing, no fighting, no tears, no drama): “Sweetie, I can’t move in with you without a commitment from you.” END OF STORY. If he starts raising his voice or arguing with you about it, walk away and refuse to discuss it further until he calms down!

Then I got mad because it had dawned on me that I’d proposed to him twice before and he’d turned me down based on the fact that he was stubborn and I have to wait for him to propose to me.

No offense, but this just sounds like nonsense. First of all, don’t lower yourself to proposing to a guy who is waffling around on whether he wants to marry you. Second of all, you do not “have to wait for him” to propose! This is simply incorrect! You don’t have to wait for anyone or anything! You just think that you do! Again, claim your power. Don’t put up with this. If he doesn’t propose, you walk! End of story!

I suppose I was frustrated at the thought of having to wait on pins and needles for years to come after we’ve been together for five years

Again, you don’t wait on pins and needles for ANY man. Stand up for yourself! He can’t string you along unless you allow him to!

In short: stop arguing with him and telling him what you want him to do, and start showing him that you simply won’t put up with it. Stop dating him and don’t return his calls. If he really wants you, he’ll find you and he’ll make sure he has a ring ready. And if he doesn’t — he never really loved you in the first place!

 

Post # 30
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — once you move in, there is no longer an incentive to propose.  Men get all the benefits of marriage once you move in — shared bills, support system, division of household chores, and convenient sex.  Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

Post # 31
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Maui

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@hismrstobee  I agree 100% with this.

OP, this guy just sounds like he is making excuses and turning the guilt on you.  Bad news.  I’d walk if I were you.

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