(Closed) When proposal pressure reaches a boiling point

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@Livelifeveryday:  Oh man, I’m so sorry.  First of all, I don’t think you should beat yourself up as much as you are.  I’m going to wave my little feminist flag here and say that it’s HARD and pretty unfair that our culture encourages male-dominant-courtship.  I’m not saying, “Women should propose to men!  It should be totally equal!” or anything like that.  Obviously it should be equal.  But the fact is that we live in a culture where normatively, it is not.  

What I AM saying is that it’s VERY difficult to sit around and wait while someone else makes a decision that will have an enormous impact on your life.  Not having control over your future is extruciating.  So you blew up?  I’m not saying it was a good thing, but I am saying it’s completely understandable.  Don’t underestimate what a difficult position you’re in.  Give yourself credit when you do act graceful under the circumstances, and cut yourself some slack when you slip up.

That being said, you now have to mitigate the damage.  It seems to me like the only way is honesty.  You were feeling anxious.  You were feeling hurt.  You were feeling unloved, and it affected you in a very primal way, a way that is not susceptible to reason, and you acted out.  I think if you can be wholly honest with him, you might even get to a better place than you were before the blow-up.  Conflict really can result in more closeness.

In the meantime, try to regain a sense of control over your own future.  Think about what you DO have control over.  I promise, it will help (it’s helped me many times).  For instance, you could walk away!  I’m not saying you want to or that you should. (Really, i’m not.)  I’m just saying remember that you have agency, and you have control over your life.  Recognizing that, even if you don’t exercise it, will make you feel less anxious.

Post # 33
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yeaaahh.  Good luck with this.  If I did it again, I wouldn’t move in with my (now husband) until after we got engaged.

 

6 years.  6 years I waited.  And it’s not like he was 18 when we started dating…wll in to our 20’s and 30’s once we were married.

 

I got to the point where I told him I decided that I was going to move out because he wasn’t willing to commit.  It wasn’t until he took me seriously that he made the move.  I asked him if he got comfortable with the way we were and if that helped him be slow in the proposal process and he admitted that a lot of that was true.  We’ve had the arguements and granted we’re now happy and married but it got pretty rough there for a while.

 

You can’t blame yourself and can only consider what your boyfriend said as a sign of huge disrespect.  Why?  You told him that you wouldn’t move in until you were engaged and he blatently ignored that and then got mad at you and blamed you instead during your arguement.  He wants to test the waters?  BS.  You can do that being engaged.  I know I’m not the first to learn about a broken engagement.  That boy is acting like a fool and taking you with him.

Post # 34
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Livelifeveryday:  These things happen. Try not to obsess over it too much and focus more on stopping that sort of behavior before it gets out of hand. If he really loves you and really does want to marry you, then he will propose at some point.

And for the record, I didn’t want to live with anyone before getting engaged. I moved in with (now) Fiance last summer and he proposed in November after more than 6 years together (both 19 when we started dating). It worked out for us, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

Maybe you could offer a compromise? For instance, maybe one of you could move to the other person’s town? Or maybe you could agree to stay at one another’s places during the week for a set period of time – you would agree to stay at his place Sunday to Tuesday and he would stay with you Thursday through Saturday or something. And if the proposal doesn’t happen within X months you call that arrangement off and just live seperately like you are now. It would give you a good idea of what to expect (which may be what he wants), while still maintaining your financial independence (which sounds important to you pre-engagement).

Think things over and see if you guys can find a compromise.

Post # 35
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I just went through a similiar situation. My lease was about to be up and my boyfriend asked me to move in. I had been very clear that I did not want to live together until we were engaged. We had our share of arguments and lots of tears from me. I even considered breaking down and just moving in. I finally decided to stick to my guns and not move in. I agreed to sign a 6 month lease and he agreed that we would be engaged before my new lease was up. Do what is best for you. And if he can’t respect that then it might be time for a different conversation. Best of luck!

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