Post # 1
I’m in a bit of a pickle here. I was only officially engaged at the end of last year and I’ve already asked my 4 girls to be bridesmaid. They are all girls I’ve known since high school but are from 2 different social groups (2girls from each group). I don’t think the rest of the girls from my two groups would mind if they weren’t asked to be bridesmaids as long as I keep them a part of the festivities… Apart from this one girl (who we will call Tammy).
Tammy and I used to be really close friends (closer than anyone else in group 1) throughout high school and university (since we were the only two that did the same course). But we have drifted apart in recent years since she aleays seems to be busy and missing out on our get togethers. On the rare occasions that I do see her, I feel like I’m stepping around glass when we talk because she seem to become much more uptight and get offended easily. I have only seen her once briefly after I gotten engaged but we didn’t even have a chance to talk properly before she left early.
My engagement party is next month with all my close friends invited. I was also going to use that time to introduce all the bridal party to each other and formally announce who they were.
My question is; should I tell Tammy beforehand that she’s not a bridesmaid and how should I do it? Should I announce it casually to the group at our next meet up (which she may or may not come to), do it over the phone or meet up with her one on one? And how should I word it?
I do value our friendship and want her involved but just not at the bridesmaid level since I’m having a small-ish bridal party. The Fiance doesnt have many close friends and would struggle to find a 5th groomsmen if I do include her.
Post # 2
Do either of your mutual friends who are bridesmaids talk to her, so maybe they could casually mention who is in your bridal party or something?
I’m terrible with confrontation lol.
Post # 3
Do you really need to “formally announce” your bridal party before the wedding?
There’s no need to tell someone that they aren’t included .. just ask the girls you want to ask and leave it at that. If you are really worried about it, ask her if she will do a reading, or be an usher for you – she’ll figure out that she’s not a bridesmaid soon enough.
Post # 4
You do not need to tell her. Trust me, it will cause more issues in the long run.
I also don’t get the point of “formally announcing” your bridal party at the engagement party.
Post # 5
Based on what you’ve said alone, it sounds like she shouldn’t have a reason to expect to be in the bridal party given how far you’ve drifted apart, and so I wouldn’t tell her anything.
But if there’s more to the story here and she’s made comments implying that she thinks she’ll be asked or that she assumes she’ll be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then maybe it’d be worth explaining to her that it was a numbers thing as you mention in your last paragraph and not anything more than that.
Post # 6
Honestly, I’m not sure that there is a good way to tell someone that they are not a bridesmaid. I don’t think such an announcement is necessary. By not asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’m sure she will know.
I’m not sure what you mean by wanting her to be involved but not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, either.
Maybe you could ask her to maybe be a reader? By asking her to be a reader, you could essentially be asking her to have an honored postion while at the same time avoiding the not-being-a-BM conversation all together. This might be best, as I’m not sure that it is polite to point out to someone that they are not involved in your Wedding Party.
Post # 7
Also, I just re-read the last part of your post. Your sides do not need to be even (BMs and GMs, I mean.) Your BMs and your FI’s GMs should be your nearest and dearest. If you’re trying to have even sides for the sake of even sides, that’s just silly. Your closest friends and family are your closest friends and family. Period. Case closed. It does not matter if your Fiance has less or more persons that he is near and dear to, and the same goes for you.
Post # 8
My Bridesmaid or Best Man and his Groomsmen don’t know each other so we thought the engagement party would be a good way to introduce them to each other and become familiar before the craziness starts.
We are planning a traditional Chinese tea ceremony before the Weddingn ceremony where all of my close friends can be involved in the gate crash (Chinese tradition) and festivities. Also because of traditions we need the BM/GM to be in pairs so even numbers. It would also be weird if I’ve got singular Bridesmaid or Best Man walking up the aisle afterwards.
Post # 9
So introduce your bridesmaids and groomsmen to each other like you would introduce one friend to another. No need to offically announce the bridal party in front of everyone at the engagement party. Your guests really won’t be interested, they are there to celebrate your engagement and won’t be interested at that stage who your bridal party is.
In fact as a guest I have never wondered who the bridal party is or isn’t.
As for confronting your friend who isn’t a bridesmaid, and it is confronting, you are basically saying you aren’t good enough to be a bridesmaid and now I am going to tell you why. Don’t do it unless she directly asks if she is one.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t even bring it up …she will gather it on her own … Also wouldn’t do a formal announcement just introduce people as people to each other
Post # 11
Omg, I do not get people thinking that it is ok to tell someone that she is not a bridesmaid. It is ignorant! Why would you EVER go out of your way to say this?
Post # 12
Yeah. It’s in bad taste to tell someone that. I mean, I have a friend who I was close with and I got the hint rather quickly that I wasn’t as close as I thought when I was the only one in the group not asked. It would rub salt in the wound if she would confront me about it. Just don’t bring it up. I’m a little more salty, because she invited Fiance and I (he will be my H by then for a month) to the wedding and then asked me if Fiance would be willing to help out during the wedding…IF we were coming. Ummm no. We will attend as guests and neither of us will be helping out….
Post # 13
Don’t do this. As mentioned, it is always rude to tell people that they are not going to be invited to do something. Please don’t make an “announcement” at your engagement party, either. Just introduce them at the party.
Not that you need to include her, but in general it’s offensive that matching pairs would come before a true friendship. You would not have to have a Bridesmaid or Best Man walk alone in any case. You can have a single groomsman escort two BMs, either at the same time, or separately.
Post # 14
I think you’re worrying about a non-issue here and saying something will actually make it into an issue needlessly.
I was in ‘Tammy’s position a few years ago. My SO was asked to be in the wedding party of a couple he’d been friends with for about 10 years….I only knew them for a year or so. And the groom said to me a little awkwardly and apologetically ‘umm, just so you know, we weren’t asking you to be a bridesmaid’ while we were out with a group one night (but not in front of the entire group) and I was caught off guard and said “I wasn’t expecting you to” And he could tell I was surprised he’d say this and he said “I just wanted to tell you so things wouldn’t be awkward” and I straight up told him “The only thing awkward is you telling me I’m not in the bridal party when I never expected to be- it’s like being in the stands at a baseball game and the coach waves you over and says ‘hey, sorry but you can’t be on the team’ – you were minding your own business in the stands enjoying watching the game, not expecting to play, but now you feel weirdly singled out when it was never an issue in the first place” He admitted he hadn’t thought of it that way …’my bad, sorry’ & we let it go at that…. It wasn’t a major deal, more a moment of unnecessary awkwardness, just giving you an example from my own experience.