(Closed) When should I tell her?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: How should I let her know?
    At the engagement party : (0 votes)
    Before the engagement party with our group of friends : (0 votes)
    Before the engagement party over the phone : (0 votes)
    Before the engagement party at a one on one talk : (2 votes)
    11 %
    Let someone else break the news to her : (4 votes)
    22 %
    Other- please specify : (12 votes)
    67 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1443 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    Orientalla:  Do either of your mutual friends who are bridesmaids talk to her, so maybe they could casually mention who is in your bridal party or something?

    I’m terrible with confrontation lol.

    Post # 3
    Member
    514 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Do you really need to “formally announce” your bridal party before the wedding?

    There’s no need to tell someone that they aren’t included .. just ask the girls you want to ask and leave it at that. If you are really worried about it, ask her if she will do a reading, or be an usher for you – she’ll figure out that she’s not a bridesmaid soon enough.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5152 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    Orientalla:  You do not need to tell her. Trust me, it will cause more issues in the long run. 

    I also don’t get the point of “formally announcing” your bridal party at the engagement party. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    9529 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Based on what you’ve said alone, it sounds like she shouldn’t have a reason to expect to be in the bridal party given how far you’ve drifted apart, and so I wouldn’t tell her anything.

    But if there’s more to the story here and she’s made comments implying that she thinks she’ll be asked or that she assumes she’ll be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then maybe it’d be worth explaining to her that it was a numbers thing as you mention in your last paragraph and not anything more than that.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2266 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    Orientalla:  Honestly, I’m not sure that there is a good way to tell someone that they are not a bridesmaid. I don’t think such an announcement is necessary. By not asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’m sure she will know. 

    I’m not sure what you mean by wanting her to be involved but not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, either.

    Maybe you could ask her to maybe be a reader? By asking her to be a reader, you could essentially be asking her to have an honored postion while at the same time avoiding the not-being-a-BM conversation all together. This might be best, as I’m not sure that it is polite to point out to someone that they are not involved in your Wedding Party.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2266 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    Orientalla:  Also, I just re-read the last part of your post. Your sides do not need to be even (BMs and GMs, I mean.) Your BMs and your FI’s GMs should be your nearest and dearest. If you’re trying to have even sides for the sake of even sides, that’s just silly. Your closest friends and family are your closest friends and family. Period. Case closed. It does not matter if your Fiance has less or more persons that he is near and dear to, and the same goes for you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9160 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    So introduce your bridesmaids and groomsmen to each other like you would introduce one friend to another. No need to offically announce the bridal party in front of everyone at the engagement party. Your guests really won’t be interested, they are there to celebrate your engagement and won’t be interested at that stage who your bridal party is.

    In fact as a guest I have never wondered who the bridal party is or isn’t.

    As for confronting your friend who isn’t a bridesmaid, and it is confronting, you are basically saying you aren’t good enough to be a bridesmaid and now I am going to tell you why. Don’t do it unless she directly asks if she is one.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1111 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I wouldn’t even bring it up …she will gather it on her own … Also wouldn’t do a formal announcement just introduce people as people to each other 

    Post # 11
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Omg, I do not get people thinking that it is ok to tell someone that she is not a bridesmaid. It is ignorant! Why would you EVER go out of your way to say this?

    Post # 12
    Member
    709 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Yeah. It’s in bad taste to tell someone that. I mean, I have a friend who I was close with and I got the hint rather quickly that I wasn’t as close as I thought when I was the only one in the group not asked. It would rub salt in the wound if she would confront me about it. Just don’t bring it up. I’m a little more salty, because she invited Fiance and I (he will be my H by then for a month) to the wedding and then asked me if Fiance would be willing to help out during the wedding…IF we were coming. Ummm no. We will attend as guests and neither of us will be helping out…. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    13608 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Don’t do this. As mentioned,  it is always rude to tell people that they are not going to be invited to do something.  Please don’t make an “announcement” at your engagement party, either. Just  introduce them at the party. 

    Not that you need to include her, but in general  it’s offensive  that matching pairs  would come before a true friendship. You would not have to have a Bridesmaid or Best Man walk alone in any case. You can have a single groomsman escort two BMs, either at the same time, or separately. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think you’re worrying about a non-issue here and saying something will actually make it into an issue needlessly.

    I was in ‘Tammy’s position a few years ago. My SO was asked to be in the wedding party of a couple he’d been friends with for about 10 years….I only knew them for a year or so. And the groom said to me a little awkwardly and apologetically ‘umm, just so you know, we weren’t asking you to be a bridesmaid’ while we were out with a group one night (but not in front of the entire group) and I was caught off guard and said “I wasn’t expecting you to” And he could tell I was surprised he’d say this and he said “I just wanted to tell you so things wouldn’t be awkward” and I straight up told him “The only thing awkward is you telling me I’m not in the bridal party when I never expected to be- it’s like being in the stands at a baseball game and the coach waves you over and says ‘hey, sorry but you can’t be on the team’ – you were minding your own business in the stands enjoying watching the game, not expecting to play, but now you feel weirdly singled out when it was never an issue in the first place”  He admitted he hadn’t thought of it that way …’my bad, sorry’ & we let it go at that….   It wasn’t a major deal, more a moment of unnecessary awkwardness, just giving you an example from my own experience.

    The topic ‘When should I tell her?’ is closed to new replies.

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