Ok! I’m back.
It took me a few days to process Saturday but here goes…
It was instantly just like old times, it felt like a first date. There was lots of laughter and we told many stories over what we have each been up to over the past 6 months. But after the initial excitment wore off after seeing him, I couldn’t help but notice he seemed…vacant? Empty? I listened to the things he’s been up to…traveling on many boys trip weekends all over the US, bought the Porsche he always wanted, going to all these new hot spots restaurants in LA, and it was interesting to see how he kept wanting to make sure I knew he’s been living this fabulous and flashy life. And this is so random but he just didn’t look good- his teeth got really yellow and his beard was grown out and in desperate need of a trim and his skin just didn’t look shiny and bright- it looked dull like he was ill or something.
Something was off…in the past I probably would have been putting down his choices or making him feel silly for all these frivilous things that are so important to him but instead I just tried to leave all my judgement at the door. But since this is a board and he’s not here, I don’t understand where he’s getting all this extra money from, I’m so baffled and I could never connect all the dots but something just doesn’t add up. Either he’s going into debt or he’s doing something sketchy for all this extra cash which is concerning.
About halfway through I was telling an animated story, I don’t even remember about what exactly, my family or something that happened at work and his eyes welled up with tears! Like, huge tear drops and his eyes got all red and I didn’t point it out because he’s the type that shuts down when someone is sensitive but it was this really telling moment that despite really trying to show me how great everything is, that there is something that still resonates from seeing me. I will tell you this Bees, he does not have one friend or person in his life that he can say, “Things aren’t going that well.” His friends are rowdy and dismissive and would probably call him some derogratory put down name if he showed even one iota of sensitivity.
After lunch when we were in the parking lot before we both left, I just used that opportunity to be pretty calm and collected but I just told him, you really mattered to me and I just want to say thank you for being there for me throughout the years. And Bees, he started CRYING like tears streaming down his face crying and I didn’t want to make him cry! I think he was just touched but that’s where it got weird, he got all emotional and then completely shut down and just started telling me that people don’t change and this was a mistake and I hadn’t even said much to him except, “Thank you.” I didn’t get into all the heavy stuff that you bees advised me not to. He then started telling me he wishes I would just hate him and it would be easier. He started becoming very shut off and even said some mean things about how he should never have reached out and it was a mistake to see me.
I think he wanted me to get all mean again and blow up like I would have in the past but I have learned how to turn a cheek so to say. It takes two to tango in an argument and I think he wanted me to regress to my old ways so he could say, “SEE, YOU’RE EXACTLY THE SAME.” It was like the nicer and more loving and sweet I was, the more upset he got! He then got a bit nasty and basically just said this was all a mistake but he made it that way, not me. I was much more calm and collected than he was so I just don’t understand.
When I got home, I sobbed for two days and then I just felt relieved. I don’t want to be with soemone that reminds me of all the things that I did in my early 20’s and never releases me from sh*t I did 4 years ago! I was a kid, in my early 20’s, and now I’m not going to let that define me but he won’t release me from it. He was raised Muslim and I’ve become a born again Christian after the pain of this break up and I know now that faith is incredibly important for two people. The faith that fuels me is on renewal and reconciliation and everything becoming new again, he doesn’t believe in anything and I see now that we are not meant to be together.
He was also a recovering alcoholic and my friend invited me to AA to understand a bit more about the disease and so many of the things that are prevalent in his personality relates back to the disease. I’m going to attend some Al Anon courses to better understand the end of the relationship and how different we operate. Thank you Bees. I love this board. I truly feel like this chapter in my life is CLOSED and I was left wondering why he even sent that long, kind e-mail. But alas, he told me when we left it was a mistake and he never should have written those things. I just don’t get what his intention was other than to make sure I was still thinking of him and boy did I…all of last week it consumed me. This week, I am looking forward. Love and light to you all! Thank you Bees.