When the Break Up is Your Fault (How to Show You've Changed for 2nd Chance)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

oh sweet bee (hug)…. I am so sorry to hear all you’ve been through and you are very impressive with your insight into the situation. I certainly can’t tell you what to do, say, etc…. but if I was him I it might be very nice to hear something along the lines of, ‘ thank you for your letter; you didn’t have to reach out and be this kind to me, especially after how I treated you when we were dating. I am so sorry to have hurt you and you didn’t deserve that.”

Someone apologized to me once many years after a break up and it meant alot to get an apology for the past hurts. it didn’t mean that we were going to get back together, but he felt remorse about how he treated me, and and he let me know. That was very reassuring.

I hope you will update us and let us know what happens. I wouldn’t have any expectations at all about getting back with him….but you seem so honest and genuine and I am sure that this will shine through when you see him this weekend. Another hug for you!

Post # 18
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

You have a beautiful way of writing and really expressing things.  While I am typically in the camp of exes should stay exes, this seems like a very unique situation.  I would suggest sending him a letter, or even showing him this post.  Yes, it’s emotionally heavy, but you have so much history together he deserves to know how you feel.  Who knows whether it will work out or not, but you have already shown how much you have grown and changed which is extremely admirable. 

Post # 19
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

surftown89 :  I’ve read many a relationship post on the bee, and not all of the responses are always this positive; sometimes the responses are one of ‘tough love’ and the replies kick the OP in the butt and make them see things that hadn’t until this point 🙂

I think what is so different in your situation (in my opinion, anyway) is that you really do have some insight and you are taking responsibility for your part of the breakup. Not every poster is so insightful, genuine and remorseful…. and not to mention honest. This is the kind of hero that we are rooting for!:)

I can tell you that when I rec’d an apology from the person that had hurt me in the past, that really was meaningful. We didn’t get back together, but it did help me remember more of the past ‘nice’ times we shared… and it helped the bitterness fade because he admitted that he shouldn’t have treated me the way that he did. I think your meeting will be good for the both of you. Chin up, bee. You’re  good one; you really are! I hope you will update us after the weekend. (hug)

Post # 20
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

surftown89 : Okay, I’m dying over here  …. how did everything go? You gotta update us! Sending lots of good vibes your way…

Post # 23
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

surftown89 :  Oh boy, I was hoping for a happier update, but at least you have your clarity about this.  I agree with some of the things that you said about his “new” life seeming a bit sketchy.  From my experience with people with alcohol issues, it almost seems that many of his behaviors and statements reflect him drinking again and being in a place of discontent with his life (which may explain his flashy behavior and lashing out at you).

The thing is though, you are clearly a different and changed person.  You are right, what you did in your early 20s doesn’t define you and he has no right to make you feel any less than you are.  You should feel proud of yourself for all of your growth.  I’m sure great things are in your future.

Post # 24
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

surftown89 :  you’re right about the thyroid affecting moods. I have hashimotos, an aggressive form of thyroid disease for those who don’t know. Before i was diagnosed I felt like death and my moods were so bad. I take synthroid 100mcg. I think helps some but my hair is thinning. We’re going to have it removed as it always chokes me. 

I wish you luck with your ex. And I’m sorry about your dad.

Post # 25
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

surftown89 :  I think exs have this radar that goes off when you stop thinking about them. They get this ping that lets them know they need to come back, be nice and just remind you of their existence. Yes you spent all week thinking about him but if you hadn’t closed this chapter you might have found yourself coming back to it in the future. Now you can move on. You’ve recognised where you went wrong previously and you’ve changed those behaviours. You can move on and learn from past mistakes. You’ve also been able to see that it wasn’t just you, there was an incompatibility with him too.

Post # 26
Member
5455 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

surftown89 :  

You know what bee, to me, this sounds like a happy update. You were curious and now you have your answer. You can close the door on your past without any unanswered questions.

Maybe he fell back into the alcohol, part of me wonders if he was lying about all of those fancy trips to make you feel bad

But it really doesn’t matter. He clearly has some issues and some unresolved anger over everything that happened while you have processed everything, accepted your own faults and moved on

I feel like you can walk away with this door firmly shut without any second thoughts.

Post # 27
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

surftown89 :  I know this was a bittersweet moment for you, but I think this was a very happy update! You now know yourself better and you have closure on the situation that will allow you to lead a happy and healthy life.  And I hope your ex gets the help he needs, just like you have taken the steps necessary to better yourself. You’re on the right track. So happy for you, xoxo!!

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