- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
… And you don’t even know why anymore! Bees, my normally smart and fairly well-adjusted brain is being emotionally stunted (yet again)
Back story (there are bits if pieces floating around the bee about our story but I will reiterate for simplicities sake.
My Fi (let’s call him Jo) and I met in 2007. I was (counts backwards on hand) 18 and he was 20 and we met through friends partying. Good love story eh? It gets better. We became good friends . We were both into each other from the get go but we were both coming from relatively damaged places and we were honest with each other from the get go.
But we really did like each other. He became my best friend and we spent a lot of time together but there were still other women. A couple of exes, and one girl he never really dated but had always been really close to. the exes slowly trickled off but the last one (let’s call her Jan) she stayed in contact with him, kept kin of leading him on and she remained ‘the one that got away’
Everyone is our circle of friends knows this girl. One of my very best female friends has known this girl forever. She’s FI’s sister’s friend, another one of my friend’s big sister. The connections are endless but by the time I met my Fiance, she had moved 1000km away so I never really knew her. I didn’t know about all the connections until much later. I had seen pictures, heard stories, and for a long time I felt like I would never compete.
So one day larer that year, Jo informs me that Jan is coming to town. I did not want to see her. I did not want to see their relationship. I wanted no part of it. But Jo lived in a boy house and I was always over and he thought it would be weird if I didn’t come and he figured I Should meet Jan. I remember going to work that day and NOT wanting it to be over… And so the day went way faster then any work day ever should. I knew I was going to hate what I saw.
When she got there I was absolutely blown away by how all around gorgeous she is. And then I got to watch them with each other. And sit on the sidelines. When you’re someone’s most impottant person until a drop dead gorgeous girl shows up, well it does something to you. Plus she was all over him. Even though she had a boyfriend back home. The whole situation was miserable. I doubted myself, I doubted him and I automatically villainized her. She ‘got a headache’ went and laid in his bed and he went with her. I could have died. I got up and went outside because I knew I was gonna cry and I didn’t want to in front of all those other boys.
One of them followe me and sat with me for like, an hour. We talked about love and how much it hurts and how much you have to work for it sometines. We just chatted and vented (he had just got out of a 7 year relationship that ended because she cheated with oneof his friends) When we went inside, he made a funny kt everyone about how we had a quickie and Jo was back sitting on the couch (Jan went for a nap) Jo gave me a sideways look and then didn’t really say much. I went home and cried. I had been contemplating the whole time whether all this on and off was worth the torture and this culmination of events had me pretty convinced that maybe it wasn’t.
Jan went home, I went back over and the first time Jo and I had a chance to talk, he was grilling ME. I was floored. I guess he thought maybe the other friend was serious about our quickie in te back yard. I literally laughed. Like, out loud, because it was obviously insane. If there was one thing I had proven so far, it was that I am not a town bike by any means. He’ll, me and Jo hadnt ven done the deed. I don’t hand that over sparingly.. So he assured me that if I ever slept with any if his friends, he wouldn’t be able to do this. I assured him that I would nit be sleeping with his friends but I was actually not sure I I could do this because of everything else that happened that night. Apparently he’s totally oblivious. We weren’t ‘dating’ and he wasn’t even really aware of what that did to me. How sensitive. But he promised me she was gone for good and I found it in my heart to forgive him. We started actually dating shortly after.
Okay, longest back story EVERR! My bad. Anyways, fast forward to today. We’ve been dating more than four years and now we’re engaged. We’re getting married!! It happened on the 11th and a couple weeks later, posted on Facebook. The 2nd person that commented was Jan. Just a nice Congrats. They were friends for a long time, it wasn’t that weird.
Apparently my brain didn’t like it. I woke up this morning from my second terrifying dream where she is a star guest at my wedding and Fiance is sneaking off and holding hands with her at every corner. And one point in the dream, I had established some boundaries and we were all sitting talking together and she reaches over and starts rubbing his foot while I’m right there. I woke up just right distressed. Jo had come in to wake me so I talked about it and he looked at me like I was a nut job (rightfully so) and we started talking about it and he assured me that he put a ring on y finger because he loves me and I talked about how that night she came, it was just brutal and she even had a boyfriend but obviously has no respect for her relationship, why would she cate about ours? And he said something about yeah, but he wasn’t in a relationship then and he does have respect for our relationship and I just started bawling because that night was so awful and I thought we had some kind of relationship and it made me think about how I feel like he picked me as a back up so I said that I wasn’t his first choice. He said that neither was she, but I was the right choice.
And then we talked about how much I hate her. For no real reason. She’s nt a terrible person. My brain just villainizes her for it’s own reasons. So I asked Fiance if it was totally insane to add her on Facebook so maybe my brain could start seeing her as a real person. He thought that was a good idea. So I did t. Eek.
I guess I just dont know how else to stop by brain. I wasn’t even thinking about these things and then te dreams and then I freak out and it’s absolutely ridiculous. I know it is, but for some reason my head is still stuck on it.
Am I crazy? What do you bees think? Is this a good move or is there some other way I should deal with this?? Agh I just need to get this all out of my head!!