(Closed) When the guy you’re seeing wants to take a long time to commit

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
689 posts
Busy bee

Two words: Lifelong. Bachelor.

I figured he was like mid-twenties as I was reading your post. My jaw dropped when I read that he is 40(!!!!!) and acting like this. He will never settle down. He threw the “I want marriage” line out there to keep you coming back for more.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and not tolerating this manchild’s shenanigans. I think you should keep dating others as you said and just drop this one. You won’t get anywhere but more frustrated with him.

I can’t tell you how many times I went through this song and dance with men who would casually date me for a couple months, saying they want marriage and kids, this and that. And after those few months I would have to ask where it was going and every single time the guy balked and said he wasn’t ready for a relationship for x, y and z reason. Oh but they’d be happy to continue screwing around with me! I never stuck around. 

Post # 3
4443 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Take him at his word and don’t speculate at what he could be thinking. It’s definitively time to open yourself to dating others. Good luck.

Post # 6
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I think you are making the right choice, taking sex off the table if he wants to be more like friends. 

Post # 8
299 posts
Helper bee

So were you sleeping with him because you thought you were almost/already in a relationship? Sleeping with someone isn’t a precursor to a guaranteed relationship.

I don’t think sleeping with someone makes or breaks if they want to be in a relationship with you. If he (or anyone else) wanted to be in a relationship with you, they would be regardless of if sex is in the picture or not. Sleep with someone because you want to and makes you feel good about yourself, don’t put pressure on it being a relationship only thing. Life is too short lol.

It sounds like he was having his cake and eating it too, especially at 40 years old, he knows what he’s doing.

From everything I’ve read and personally experienced, a man will make the time and place for you in his life if he wants you there. Guys know pretty quickly (like, a month or less) whether they are going to take it seriously or not. 3 months to be “unsure” is just an excuse.

I think a man at 40 years old who wants to “keep being friends” for as long as possible is super weird and that he is definitely not looking for a relationship now or maybe ever, with you or anyone else.

Post # 9
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

hrtsnstrs :  omg this guy sounds exactly like this guy Ryan I dated a few years ago. He literally fed me the same line about dating for marriage. Wonder if he is the same guy? hahah 

It all turned out to be a line of bullcrap with him. He was also older around 36 or 37? Had his own house that he had rennovated himself, was a bit of a workaholic and it was hard to tell how into it he was. We dated for about 4 months before I brought up what we were doing. He fed me the same lines and said he takes relationships very seriously and wait what were his words?… Something like, If he is in a relationship with someone that means he sees it heading towards marriage and he wouldn’t be in a relationship he didn’t see that with. He also had a best friend who was a girl and he spent more time wtih her than me but insisted there was no feelings or attraction with her. 

He is 40. He has experience, he should be getting more sure with time about people rather than less sure. Regardless of his words about not being ready for a relationship, the fact that he is giving you not as much face time as you need is big red flag on its own. Ryan did the same thing to me, never had time, wanted to come over after he got off work late at night (he was in the restaurant business) full of excuses but wanted all the relationship benefits when it suited him. 

I say you walk away at this point. Because the truth is, if he is wiling to let you walk away he isn’t that into you and from everything i have ever experienced or seen, men and people in general know within the first 2 months how they feel about someone. If feelings haven’t developed early on and keep growing? Well then they dont grow at all. Cut your losses and find someone who isn’t so vague and wishy washy. After I dated Ryan I made new rules for myself. Any of the following said by the guy i was seeing got him cut out asap.

– him talking about how busy his life is randomly

-any lines about how he doens’t want a relationship right now, or isn’t ready 

-not enough face time with the guy, as in he isn’t trying to see me often

-not replying to texts in the period of 1 day’s time 

-in combination with any of these, him saying he isn’t a big texter

Post # 10
6650 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

hrtsnstrs :  Did this whole conversation take place over text message? This is the sort of thing that, in the future, you should make sure to do in person (or at least verbally on the phone) because so much can get lost in translation via text. But what’s done is done. 

However, I will say that PPs are right. Don’t expect anything from this guy. I’d actually be surprised if he didn’t start to pull away completely now since you took sex off the table. 

I actually dated someone like this for about a month or so. I liked him and we seemed to have a great time together, but I could always kind of tell that his endgame was just sleeping with me. I told him in the beginning when we met that I only have sex with people I’m in a relationship with. He pretended to respect that but then kept not-so-subtly trying to convince me otherwise. Looking back, it was pathetic that I even dated this guy for a whole month! 

Funny thing is, my “rule” went out the window when I started dating my now-husband! I could tell something was different about him right away (we had been friends for 5 years prior though also) and basically I couldn’t wait to sleep with him! Ha! Just goes to show that all these “rules” we make sometimes can go completely out the window when we meet the right person. 

Post # 12
153 posts
Blushing bee

I’d cut your losses now.  This guy is not interested in a relationship.  You’re only 28…there are lots of guys out there who are looking for a relationship.  This guy sounds like the forever bachelor.

Post # 14
10273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

hrtsnstrs :  

Give him props for not continuing to bs you along with talk of pink unicorns that poop skittles and a make believe marriage. 

Yes, there is a reason why he’s 40 and never married—he never wanted to be married. Who knows what his reasons may be. It doesn’t matter, it’s not anything you can fix.

My advice would be to throw this one back completely. You claim you want to see him platonically and be friends. Be brutally honest with yourself. Is that truly ok for you? Or will you be hoping he’ll come to his senses and decide he wants to marry you? We’ll have to wait and see if he was just blowing smoke, or whether being buds is ok with him. It’s pretty hard to put toothpaste back in the tube.

Your plan to see others is exactly right. Until you are in a committed relationship, keep collecting eggs.

Post # 15
488 posts
Helper bee

Leave. Just be done with it. If after 3 months AND sleeping with you in that time he still doesn’t want to commit, he’s playing the field and is ‘keeping his options open’. Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.

I have been with older men myself. 2 of my 4 serious relationships were with a man that was 14 years older and 15 years older. Ha. They are in the point in their lives where they have their ducks in a row (well should be, a little generalization here but whatever) and should be able to know what they want relationship wise.

I’m sure you have a lot to offer and if this guy can’t see that or commit then he’s not worth it. Don’t waste more time on him.

I’d also be worries that by taking the sex away – which you should do and good for your for being strong about that – is that he will go find it elsewhere.

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