- 6 months ago
I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 3 months. After I recently expressed some concerns about us not progressing in terms of seeing each other more often, etc, and admitting to him that I really like him and I’m not always able to tell if we’re on the same page about how we feel, he took a day to text me back and apologized for taking a while but wanted to think about what I said.
he basically said that he’s not looking to just hook up but that he also doesn’t fall into relationships easily. He thinks people jump into relationships too quickly these days. He prefers to take his time and remain friends for as long as necessary to really to make sure he likes the person because dating for him is a precursor for marriage. He said he does like me and wants to keep seeing me but isn’t in a position to committ to a relationship at this point.
thats all fine and dandy and sounds pretty and all – with marriage being the end goal, as that is my goal too when dating someone seriously. I don’t get into a relationship unless I think it could lead to marriage. However, we are SLEEPING together. We are a little more than “friends”.
I replied by thanking him for his honesty and telling him I also don’t get into relationships very often and only do if I think it could lead to marriage. I said I’m fine with continuing to see him and getting to know him if we actually make a point to do so, as in actively going on dates and asking questions to deepen our connection. I also told him that I don’t feel comfortable continuing to sleep together without some kind of commitment at this point, but if he’s okay with that, we can continue to see where it goes. Not to mention, his reaction to that will say a lot about how much he really cares to get to know me.
I’m definitely a little hurt because it seemed like we were headed into a relationship, just to find out he could plan to take months to decide if he wants that. I don’t believe in rushing, no, but I also believe that I deserve someone who is crazy enough about me and adores me enough to know that he wants to lock me down after a few months. And Just to be clear, I am not “withholding” sex as a means to “make” him committ or hurt him or anything like that. I sure as heck don’t need to make any man commit, I deserve for a man to want to do that on his own. I don’t consider myself to be “withholding” anything, but rather refraining from sex to respect myself, because I can’t tolerate feeling like I’m disrespecting myself by sleeping with someone for possibly months to come who may, or may NOT progress to a relationship. I would hope and believe that my true intentions could be sensed when they’re coming from a genuine place.
he is 40, too. (I’m 28). No offense to those who are older!! I am just beginning to wonder if he is still single for a reason, as in he’s waiting on some unrealistic relationship, as you do sometimes come across seemingly great men in their late 30s/40’s and wonder why the heck they’re not married yet. Maybe not, I’m just feeling a little extra cautious is all.
Ive decided that I do like him, so I will continue to see him but on more casual terms then I had originally intended. Im stepping back a little. I’m not going to sleep with him without a commitment and I’m also going to open myself up to seeing other men as well. And I’m not going to sleep with ANYONE without commitment now, seeing as how I learned this the hard way.
I thought I was safe seeing just him, I’d dated lots of guys and he came along! But now I know that grandma is right when she says don’t put all your eggs in one basket 🙄 I SHOULD have kept seeing other men like I’d been doing until a commitment was in place, no matter how much I liked him. I’m sticking to that from now on, and giving that advice to everyone!! 😜 I know myself and what the hell I want and if he thinks I’m going to wait around for him without seeing other men he is dead wrong. I try to always think about what advice id give someone in my position or what a therapist would say, and I’m pretty sure I’d tell someone, and a therapist would tell me, to keep seeing him if you want but see other men too, and if you feel uncomfortable having sex under the terms present then stop until you have a commitment.
So really I’m bummed and a little hurt, but am respecting myself, and I also know that things could turn more serious with time but I also know that I can’t count on it and that’s why I need to keep my options open.
But I AM curious what other women think: do you think he’s dragging things out because he wants to keep his options open?
Do you think it’s a good thing that he wants to take so much time?
how much time do YOU think it takes for a man to decide if he wants to be in a relationship with you?
Do you think Would you stop seeing him altogether if he didn’t want a relationship after a few months? (Which btw HE is the one who said he wasn’t going to committ to a relationship at this point in time, I never asked him “what we were” or why he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. i just hinted at not knowing how he feels or if he’s on the same page as me. I never pressured him into a relationship, I just wanted to gage where we were at because I had a feeling in my gut that things were off because we weren’t progressing.)
Would you do like me and see other men and him without sex? Are you married or in a happy relationship with a man who didn’t make things serious for months on end? Have you been in my situation?
I figure I can always stop seeing him altogether if I want, but I’d start off keeping him in my loop, but just keeping my options open to others as well.