(Closed) When the kids must take care of their parents

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Among siblings, whose responsibility is it to care for elderly parents?

    It's everybody's responsibility,equally, regardless of if you have kids or not

    If you're the sibling with no kids, you should be the primary caregiver

    Other - see below for a more lengthy reason

  • Post # 3
    Member
    1624 posts
    Bumble bee

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    gingerminty:  My husband and I both work in healthcare, so even though we aren’t the children with the most money or space, assuming care of ailing or elderly parents has kind of defaulted to us. Both sets of parents are healthy and independent so far (knock on wood).

    Post # 4
    Member
    784 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

     

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    gingerminty:  I feel that it is everyone’s responsibility because they are everyone’s parents. However, I do feel that if you have less “responsibilities” in your life then you should maybe do more than your share.

    For example, before my granny passed in 2011, someone had to stay with her 24/7 for about the last 4 years of her life. My mom and her sister were the main caregivers (sons not so much, which is a different situation to me as well). My mom works a full time job while my aunt has hardly ever worked and definitely not in over 15 years. My aunt was always passing stuff off to my mom that added to my mom’s already heavy load, things that my aunt definitely could have taken care of.

    I also think, at least in my family, there are some that feel that they have to take on all the responsibility. My mom has a problem telling anyone no, therefor everyone is always asking her to do everything. I have been told I am the same way. And, even in their young age, I can already tell which of my children will be the same way.

    ETA: I don’t feel that it is my place to take care of my in-laws. However, I do feel my Fiance should contribute, even if it is monetarily to hire someone for their care.

    I also feel my brother should handle more of the responsibilities for my dad while I should for my mom. However, I am sure all the duties will be left up to me.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7887 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    If you have the time and resources to care for your ailing parents, it would be nice to help take care of your parents. Sometimes geography is an issue, though, so those living closest to them may have to do the more direct care.

    Post # 8
    Member
    784 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

     

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    gingerminty:  I understand 100%! My uncles did all they could but my aunt just …. I don’t know. And the thing that killed me was, because she moved out here from GA to be with her EVERYONE always said “Poor her, having to do so much and not ever getting any time”. I was always like WTF? Do you not realize that she is still in GA more than she is in SC?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1710 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’d say it should fall equally on all siblings, regardless if they have their own children or not.

    Post # 10
    Member
    319 posts
    Helper bee

    Ideally, the family should split the care, but you can’t generally force people to step up. If you say the sibling who is more established can’t possibly care for them, then how will the person who is less established ever advance their career if they’re taking off work all the time? If you say the person without kids should be primary caretaker, when does that person get to start their own family? I think that reasoning is terrible.

    In my family the even split did not happen and I watched my mom do the primary caretaking and it was tremendously hard on her. She got to be closer to them than anyone else toward the end, but she also lost the opportunity to advance her career, was exhausted, and was less involved with her own kids and husband because she had so much to do. I would definitely want to help my folks or my in laws, but the idea of doing it alone is terrifying.

    Post # 11
    Member
    14492 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Within my family it’s already been decided that if the time comes that either parent needs someone to care for them, it will be me. My older sister is a worthless lazy untrustworthy POS, my younger brother is career military and may never live in the state, and both my parents trust my medical decision making aligns with their wants and morals. I don’t mind, it’s just something that I’ve always been aware of. My brother has duties set aside for him after my parents pass and we’ve both had discussions with each parent to clearly define whose jobs are what and who has rights when. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    9076 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    It’s everyone’s responsibility. I don’t think it belongs to any one person and children really don’t factor into it. They’re your family. You should take care of them just as you would your children.

    Post # 13
    Member
    334 posts
    Helper bee

    It should be everyones responsibility but sometimes (logically) it isn’t. 

    Our parents are rather independent at the moment, but when it comes time to get care for them and perhaps placing them in a home etc I will most likely be taking most responsibility.

    Out of my 4 siblings, I am the most financially secure. I wouldn’t place that burden on my siblings. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I don’t think it’s often a matter of everyone should do everything equally.  People usually are able to help in different ways from each other.  Ideally, everyone does what works well for them and that covers all the needs, unfortunately it rarely works out that way.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think it should be a family responsibility. A parent didn’t just raise the one sibling alone. They raised the siblings too.

    I dread the day for me to make decisions about my parents. I lost my only sibling (younger brother) in 2000. So everything that will have to be decided is on me. My parents have done so much for me in the past that I would have no problem doing all I could for them. It just comes down to making those choices without my brother by my side and it hurts.

    I would probably seek advice from my cousins. They had to make some hard choices after their dad (my dad’s brother) had a stroke and ended up in an assisted living place. But they can’t make the decisions for me.

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