When the proposal takes forever but your SO doesn't understand the impact on you

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

I know it tough but try to relax and enjoy this time. He has the ring and does not seem like you guys have had a lot of weekend time off. He has the ring and he is planning a proposal. Few months here and there won’t make a big difference in rest of your life. 

Post # 3
Member
5644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

My SO and I are very much on the same page about getting engaged and married.”

 

Why start with this statement when it isn’t true?

4+ months seems like a long time to be considering you picked the ring and ordered it together. Maybe it’s time to have an actual conversation rather than letting him deflect and change the topic. 

 

View original reply
anonanon149 :  

Post # 4
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

The thing is unless you’re happy to be sat at home n he just pop the question you need to just shut up and wait.

Men are increasingly put under pressure to come up with elaborate perfect proposals to avoid disappointing you, that he has a plan and cannot execute it until every detail is perfect. If he delayed a proposal just due to a bit of rain, Then you either need to tell him it doesn’t have to be perfect and you just want to be engaged or if you want the big elaborate proposal story to gush to your friends about put up and shut up. 

 

Post # 5
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

You say the next three weekends are full and it’s because of YOU not him. I understand surgery is unavoidable and your mom and travels may not abled to be cancelled but you have to realize the next 3 weekends being unavailable is on you and you’ll have to clear some weekends to get it possibly done sooner. You’ll also need to have a more clear discussion. Tell him you do not want the date but he told you the month last time so why not tell you the month again? You also need to reassure him you dont need a perfect / elaborate proposal and that will likely take some pressure off. If you are expecting an elaborate / complicated proposal then you shouldn’t also expect it to just happen in a couple weeks. And If you’ve already told him you dont want a holiday proposal you may have shot yourself in the foot as he may think youd prefer he wait until after the New Year.

 

My SO has had the ring since late September so I understand how you feel. He has said the next couple of months so I’m leaving him alone but hes a perfectionist so I see him possibly putting it off wanting it to be perfect so I’m prepared to have a polite discussion with him if it doesnt happen in the expected time frame in order to reassure him. Our schedules have also been crammed the last couple of months so I haven’t expected it to be before mid November to begin with but we’ve made it a point not to agree to every lunch, travel, family event that gets thrown our way this holiday season. 

Post # 6
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

Also, yelling at your boyfriend because he hasnt proposed is counterproductive in getting him eager to spend the rest of his life with you…

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I will be honest and say I just don’t understand posts like this one, and is a fairly common topic.

you two agreed to get marrried. Picked out the ring and you KNOW he has it. Now he can’t actually give it to you and get formally engaged because he has to have the exact right moment and make it an elaborate surprise proposal? It isn’t a surprise any longer! 

Plus while engagements are fun and all, they aren’t multi-day affairs. Mine took like half hour tops, and we went on with our day all warm and fuzzy. He can’t squeeze ANY time in anywhere to give it to you? 

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2020 - City, State

I understand where you are coming from with the dissapointment and having to wait.  If you want the perfect proposal, you cant rush it. He probably has very good reasoning he’s dragging it out a little longer.

If you’re that set on it not being anywhere near the holidays, then you can tell him. But be prepared to have your proposal not be this big elaborate thing.

 

Sometimes you just have to let it go and enjoy it for what it is….

Post # 9
Member
13653 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Who said that a proposal has to be an elaborate event? You picked out a ring together with the intention of getting married, so technically that makes you engaged. 

If you are not into waiting for the ring or a “surprise” staged re-enactment then just tell him. 

This is a relatively new trend, and one I don’t particularly care for. Historically proposals took place with a ring as a surprise or without a ring and the newly engaged couple went out together to shop after the fact. Nobody ever went ring shopping, then into a state of limbo for months on end. 

So if you’re upset with the experience because you aren’t on board with the concept then he needs to know that. 

Post # 10
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
cuppercake :  I agree 100%. I think usually there’s a disconnect somewhere in there between the guy having the ring but frequently getting hounded by the girl to do it soon, but also to make it breathtakingly perfect. You can’t have all things – you can have the proposal when you want, exactly how you want, have it be a surprise, AND not have the feeling that you rushed into it, but you can’t have all of those things.

If you want to to take control back, propose to him. Simple solution.

Post # 11
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Then tell him you dont want him to propose and ask for the ring and wear it? 

Post # 12
Member
695 posts
Busy bee

I mean Bee this really sounds a bit silly. If he is trying to plan some elaborate proposal but just can’t get it to work, just tell him not to bother and get engaged some normal Wednesday night at home. There is nothing wrong with that, you will get it done and stop obsessing over it, and it won’t be built up (and possibly anticlimatic) in both your heads…

also, if you know it’s coming, have picked the ring and are just waiting, what’s the point in the big elaborate proposal if waiting is just getting you upset.. it’s harldy going to be that big a surprise now at this stage. Tell the poor guy to stand down and give yourselves less of a headache!

ETA: similarly, my SO and I designed and ordered ring together. When he finally had it delivered, he held onto it for a few days, but v randomly surprised me on a public holiday Monday morning when I was in my gym gear with no bra on about to go for a run. It was low key and lovely. If he had tried to organise something big I would’ve been onto him like a flash and no surprise..

Post # 13
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think most men are striving to make the proposal “breathtakingly perfect”. The fuss over proposals has led to these fake scenes of “surprise”, complete with cameramen in the bushes. It’s all artifice, it’s all for show, and as someone who’s more impressed with reality, I think it’s ridiculous.

Holding onto a ring for months while the stars gradually align themselves to perfection and your weekend is free of all commitments is preposterous. No proposal requirres that much effort.

As for “enjoying this time”, do you enjoy feeling hungry while you wait hours for a meal that you know is right on the table, but you can’t eat it until someone rings the bell? And when you ask when the bell will be rung you receive nebulous answers or answers that have proven to be false.

Time is something you can’t get back, and no one has as much time as they think they do. The phrase is carpe diem, not expecto diem.

Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee

View original reply
anonanon149 :  Sounds like you don’t want the big elaborate engagement he’s planning. Why don’t you tell him that? Seems like you’d be happy if he just proposed on a Sunday morning at home (which is also romantic) Seems like you all need to work on your communication… especially if this huge plan he has is taking too long for you .

Post # 15
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Bee, first off, hugs. It could be that he’s planning the proposal for one of the three weekends you mentioned. Guys can be really unexpected: they can squeeze in a surprise when it seems least likely, they can do something anticlimactic when you were expecting something big and organized, they can say they’re working on it and they’re really not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, I want to caution against expecting a proposal in the coming weekends as it will only lead to more arguments and ultimately lead to a possibly negative proposal for both of you when it does actually happen. I know it’s hard, I was certain my husband was going to pop the question in May of 2017 and ended up having to wait until that July. It was a tough period that May, but ultimately, he had his reasons (he was finishing paying off the ring after an expected income fell through), 2 months made hardly any difference in the long run (now we’re happily married!) and I much more enjoyed the time I spent loving my man rather than the weekend I spent arguing with him over a ring that I knew was coming eventually. Be patient bee, and if you can’t (much like myself 😂) be easy on your guy. This is an exciting time for you two, don’t let impatience get in the way of that! 

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