When the proposal takes forever but your SO doesn't understand the impact on you

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
11124 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State


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anonanon149 :  

He couldn’t propose because of the rain?  That’s quite the loophole you’re giving him, Bee.

Here are the facts we do know:

You and your bf discussed engagement and marriage right from the beginning.

Bf always seemed enthusiastic about both.

You requested a ball park idea of when he was planning to propose, to which he replied “mid-October”.

Retroactively, bf told you that he couldn’t propose on the October day he had planned, for reasons he “couldn’t divulge”.  You extrapolated that your proposal was rained out.

All of October has come and gone with no proposal.

When your resentment level got high enough, you spoke to bf about it.  This should be your first, not last resort.

Bf’s response? Didn’t want to hear it. 

BF consults Big Book of Lame Ass Excuses and comes up with this tried and true nugget:  he can’t talk about it without “spoiling” it. 


First, your bf knows exactly how you feel.  He is playing dumb to duck responsibility. If he acknowledges your pain and resentment, he might be required to do something about it.

Talking about engagement and marriage “from the beginning” isn’t necessarily a good sign.  You were still in your honeymoon phase, during which it’s nearly impossible to imagine things going sideways.

Lots of guys are Picture Painters.  They paint pretty pictures for you about the imaginary future, including marriage and family.  They’ll even let you pick out names for the kids. They are not to be taken seriously. These guys are just daydreaming out lout in the full throes of honeymoonism.

You are with someone who flat refuses to discuss your shared future. If that doesn’t change, all hope is gone.

All you can do now is talk to him, Bee. Let him know this is serious. And be ready to take care of yourself by walking away if he can’t give you what you need.


Post # 17
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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sassy411 :  this 1000%

Post # 18
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I’ve said this before, but I think it’s rare that a planned proposal actually takes the amount of time and effort supposedly spent preparing. 

Do you care about the specifics of the proposal and the “surprise” at this point? If so then fine, but that leaves him with the power to do everything at his own pace, and I think your frustration will continue to grow in the meantime since he has already missed one timeline and tried to throw you off with “I was going to propose but didn’t because of reasons.” 

If the proposal is not important to you, then tell him you are ready to be engaged and you don’t want to wait for a specific proposal anymore because it’s the actual engagement that’s important to you. You picked the ring, and you know he has it; IMO holding onto it for months for a “surprise” proposal is a charade. 

Post # 19
5120 posts
Bee Keeper

And OP, you might be on the “same page”, but you’re reading different books. The book he’s reading is called How to Obfuscate and Lie Your Way Out of a Proposal.

Post # 20
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I am working with my cousin’s boyfriend right now to set up the perfect proposal. We had to coordinate ten different people’s schedules AND plan how to get ten people to a surprise location – you know how long that took? One night. It took one night to figure out how to get all of that together, and the only reason we’re waiting as long as we are to do it is because the ring isn’t done being made yet. If he had the ring in his hand we could get it done this damn week, and her proposal is annoyingly complicated (for no reason, might I add. It doesn’t have to be as hard as he’s making it.) 

I don’t believe the bullshit ‘perfect proposal’ excuse. There are a lot of different ways to make it perfect – like, the fact that the man you love is asking you to be with him for the rest of his life. That seems pretty perfect to me no matter HOW it happens. Something else is going on here, and if you’re yelling about a perfect proposal he might feel like pumping the brakes a little bit. You need to have a kind conversation with him ASAP. 

Post # 21
38 posts
  • Wedding: February 2019 - City, State

Did you end up talking to him?

Post # 22
126 posts
Blushing bee

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anonanon149 :  I’m in a similar situation. He’s told me by our anniversary in early May and is working on getting a ring now, he’s designed it with the jewler and he talks about it ALL THE TIME so now i’m here waiting and impatient which I wasn’t before! I’m not sure what he wants to do but I know it’s going to be complex because he’s told me. He wants to do something “big and grand and I want to make it special and imcorporate our families and something homemade” which if great but I don’t want any of that. 

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