Post # 1
I’m very lucky in that my parents and step-parents all get along reasonably well. That said, we are 2 years away from our wedding and my step-mom is already driving my mom crazy. She keeps talking to people about ‘her daughter’s wedding’ and acting like she is the mother of the bride. She’s a nice person, but she married my dad when I was in college and I never lived with them, so she’s more like an aunt than a mother to me. We don’t want to hurt her feelings and we want to include her in some things, but I don’t want my mom to have to share her mother-of-the-bride spotlight. Since the wedding is so far away, it’s mostly just been little comments and such so far, but we know there will be bigger issues when we get to things like seating for the ceremony and names in the program.
Would it be better to talk about everything now, before any problems arise, or would it be better to wait for an actual issue to manifest? It’s possible that things will just work themselves out and we won’t have any problems, but I don’t want to ignore things too long and have her be shocked or offended closer to the wedding.
Post # 3
I added a poll to entice people to reply.
Post # 4
Maybe talk to your dad about it and he can gently open the subject with her. It seems like she’s just excited for you and wants to be a part of it. Make sure she knows your positive feelings, and maybe ask your dad to mention that you probably want your real mom to play a bigger part in the wedding.
I don’t think you should wait until there’s a problem, but having an “intervention” before anything has really happened seems extreme as well. Subtle hints might work, as long as they aren’t passive aggressive.
Maybe you can come up with something that can be special for her to look forward to. A reading? A fitting? Jewelry selection? something that you think would help her feel included without stepping on your mom’s toes.
Until something negative happens, keep everything positive and keep everyone’s good wishes and love for you in your mind so that you (or your mom) don’t overreact.
Post # 5
I agree with kala_way . I think you should talk to your dad. He will be able to talk to her better than you. He may be able to gently bring the topic up.
Post # 6
I agree with kala way. Maybe your dad can talk with your step mom if/when the time comes.
Post # 7
Thank you guys for the suggestions. I know that talking to my dad sounds like, and possibly is, the best course of action, but it could also go horribly wrong. My dad and my step-mom have been fighting a lot lately, and I don’t want to get involved or add any fuel to that fire. Also, my dad has a habit of being extremely blunt, and my step-mom is pretty sensitive. I’m worried that he’ll just come home from talking to me and say something like “They don’t want you to be involved, quit bothering them” or something along those lines.
Post # 8
Talk to your step mom. Directly. The more people you get in the middle, the more hurtful and convoluted the discussion. Be honest, and explain why you feel the way you do and how you want your mom to feel. If she can’t understand that, it’s her own issue. Include her where you can, maybe decide on something special she can do for you that your mom can’t, or won’t do, or is willing to relinquish to step mom. Could she say a blessing before dinner? A reading in the ceremony? Co-host a shower or bachelorette? Take her shopping just her and you to buy er outfit? (FYI, do this BEFORE you and your mom do it, that way your mom can be sure to have the best outfit) There are SO many things to be done, find something special she can do so she still feels valued.
Post # 9
Well, I guess I shouldn’t have waited…
My FI’s parents live out-of-state and haven’t come to visit, so my parents haven’t met them yet. My Fiance and I were planning a trip to go visit them w/ my mom around the holidays. My step-mom found out and threw a fit because we didn’t invite her. Apparently, she was crying to my dad about how she’s done so much for me ever since I was little (note: she met my dad when I was in high school) and that she considers herself to be my mom, and she was very hurt.
I told my mom, and she was very offended. She pretty much raised us by herself and we’re very close, so she’s upset that my step-mom, who really hasn’t been around that long or that much, thinks she’s just as much of a mother as she is.
My step-mom is very outgoing (*cough cough overbearing*) and if she comes the whole trip will be all about her. Also, she’s very difficult to travel with because she complains about everything that is different from her regular daily routine.
I don’t want to hurt my step-mom’s feelings, but it looks like now talking about her parental status is inevitable.
Post # 10
Any advice on how to deal with this?
Post # 11
I would say – Talk to her and be as nice as you possibly can about it. You also need to make it very clear that your mother is ‘the mother of the bride’. Also talk to your mum and let her know whats happening so she doesnt get upset about your stepmum trying to be so involved.
Horrible situation. Good luck