(Closed) when to ask BMs and what to expect

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

It may be a little long, but if you want your bridesmaids to do anything more than show up, dressed appropriately, at the wedding, I think it’s important to spell out these expectations (or desires) up front.  So I like your idea.  And I like that you’re keeping it lighthearted.

Post # 5
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I like that you’re setting up your expectations – but I’d try to cut it down. Or maybe deliver your requests orally, I feel like in written form it may come off a little less funny and a little more obssessive.

Post # 6
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yeah I’d definitely cut it down (so it looks less obsessive – which it’s not but to someone who’s never planned a wedding it will) but I think it’s good so that they know what they’re getting into ahead of time. And I think you should tell them all the nitty gritty details – like cost of the dresses and about hair and makeup and the rehearsal

I think maybe word it something like this:

“Will you be my bridesmaid?

Do you promise to listen to me bore you with discussions of paperweight for invites, the difference between three shades of teal and the virtues of chivari chairs?

Do you promise to nod your head and offer an opinion even if you don’t really have one?

Will you help (MOH) as she plans some fabulous events, offering your time or your talent or resources?

Will you purchase a dress that you will probably never wear again (even thought I will assure you otherwise)?

And lastly will you be by my side on the most important day of my life? Because without your support I wouldn’t have made it to where I am today and your friendship means so much to me that I couldn’t imagine getting married without you there. “


Post # 7
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

what camrie said.

Post # 8
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I def agree with the others, and like how camrie tweaked it.

I don’t know if you’re a type A, or just trying to cross your Ts, for the sake of your Bms, but if I was being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and got a laundry list of that stuff, I’d be a little scared.

1.  Saying the wedding is in some town, and then giving them the option of staying in a hotel or commuting isn’t necessary.    These are things they would figure out on their own.  (So while I don’t think you intend for it to come across this way, it sounds either controlling, for you to tell them their options, or condescending, that you don’t think they would otherwise figure it out.)

2.  You said planning a shower and bach, involving time and talent.  No money?  You are really laying out your expectations, so if money isn’t on there, they might be thinking they are really off the hook for paying.  If that isn’t your intention, you might want to rethink the wording on that.  I might be in the minority, but I would never expect a shower and bach out of my BMs.  (And to digresss for a moment, I gladly plan showers when I’m a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but to have the bride ask for it, rubs me the wrong way.  It’s the other Bridesmaid or Best Man duties I feel they should be aware of, like dress cost etc.)

3.  (This is just my opinion, so you might disagree.  That’s fine.  The important thing is that your BM’s know what you expect.)  But I kind of wonder about some of the things you listed, being a little too much.    I think some of it is to be funny, but might come across like you expect them to run around like chickens with their heads cut off.  Fetching snacks? Handing programs? They might be too busy to hand out programs.  Also to say that finding dresses will involve a lot of work on their part sounds kind of scary.  I’d be wondering if you’ll be hard to please.

Sorry.  I don’t mean to sound like a jerk.  And I don’t actually think you are a bridezilla.  My guess is most of it is to be funny.  But I think the best way would be to just tell them verbally, like sahsabahs suggested.


Post # 10
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@sweetbird108: I think you could give them the extra stuff verbally and then say “Think about it and let me know because it IS a time commitment and I don’t want you to get overwhelmed”

I don’t think you have to specifically state what they might need to do “helping find a snack, etc” but just make sure they know that you are asking them because you need their help and you want to make sure if they commit to it they’ll have a good attitude about it.

Post # 11
14443 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@camrie, that was really cute!  love that… esp about the part of buying the dress you’ll never wear again, cause its SO true, everyone says that its something re-wearable, and u never do wear it again…..

Post # 12
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I never thought about telling my bridesmaids what they will be doing before/while asking them. To me, I just want them to know what I want them to be part of my special day, not make it seem like I’m hiring them as help. If you get to nitty-gritty off the bat, it might seem a little off-putting. I would still lay out the details early on in the game to give bridesmaids plenty of time to back out if need be, but I think it take a bit of excitement out of the asking if you’re like “And you’ve gotta do this, this, this and this too!”

I got some really cute invites off Etsy. You can check my Gallery in my bio section if you want to see a pic of them. They were fun and my BMs loved them.

I also think 1 year out is good. I waited until 1 year out to ask mine, even though I’d been engaged for a couple months already.

Post # 13
529 posts
Busy bee

I went to the dollar store and got some things like a shot glass with a note “make sure I get home safe!” and a little bride’s dress “help me get ready!” that I gave to my Bridesmaid or Best Man when I asked them. It was inexpensive and made them laugh while providing conversation starters.

Post # 14
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@pinkshoes:  Actually, I think I have a perfect record of having my BMs wear dresses they would wear again.  However, that’s because I only had a Maid/Matron of Honor at each of my weddings, so I let them wear anything they wanted to (no need for matching).

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