Post # 16
I voted for waiting a year but that’s because when I hear the word “timeline” I think of engagement, and I think it’s too soon and a bit presumptuous to have that conversation after 3 months of long-distance. That said, I do think you should be talking about where you see things going, and it can be an organic/informal conversation you have multiple times – like a check-in. If things continue to go well, you’ll want to be in the same place eventually, and you should be able to talk about the direction you see your relationship headed in. If he’s bringing up marriage and kids, that’s a clear opening to start talking about these things!
For me, it was different because we weren’t long-distance, but we did have a number of these sort of “milestone” conversations – from being exclusive with each other, to whether we were on the same page about kids, to the first time we said we loved each other, to deciding to move in together (after about a year and a half of dating), to deciding to get married. All of these happened through conversations and we didn’t really set timelines for any of it, except that our leases dictated when we could move in together.
Post # 17
My boyfriend and I did long distance for 3 years. I found out very quickly that the question wasnt “when will we be getting married?” but instead “when will we be living in the same place?”. That was a huge conversation as he didnt want to leave his hometown and my career prevented me from moving there. I finally had to set an ultimatum that made him realize he didnt want to lose me and moving was worth it. Now that we’ve been living together we’re finally getting serious about engagement. While doing long distance we did talk about marriage but knew there was a much larger conversation that needed to be had before talking about it seriously. I would urge you to have that conversation first and find the light at the end of the tunnel (as I used to call it) before making plans for marriage.
If you’re willing to move for him thats amazing and be sure to make that clear as you jump into an engagement timeline conversation so there’s no confusion.
Post # 18
Thanks a lot, everyone! I’d much rather know the time around when we can close the gap then to get a definite answer on engagement or marriage right now. I’m about 90% confident about talking about this with him in October.
At first I was a little worried about throwing too much at him in just a few days. He’ll be meeting my father on this visit as well. But I suppose it’s better to have this discussion sooner rather than later so we can be working toward a goal instead or riding blindly.
I’ll ask him where he see us in the near future and when he think it’d be comfortable for us to close the gap, leaving engagment and marriage conversations for later.
Post # 19
knotyet : Maybe I’m misreading what you’re saying, but you think we should talk about how long we want to date before we marry somone, but not to bring up marriage yet…? Just sounds like two sides of the same coin to me so I’m a little lost… I do see what you’re saying about making more concrete plans at around 6 months though.
throughthelookingglass87 : Interesting that you say to mention it from afar… I always prefer to have serious conversations in person, but I can see how this makes sense. I’m not afraid to have serious conversations with him, I’m just genuinely stumped on how to approach this without “jumping to gun”, but I suppose it’s not to early to mention it because of the distance.
Post # 20
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
oranges007 : I think it would be smart to bring up timelines or a general timeline in October. I agree with PP that when you’re LD things need to have more of a flow for them to work.
I think it would be fair to just have a casual conversation about “hey you said you wanted kids in 3 years so that means we’d probably get married 2 years from now. Most people are engaged for a year so can you see us getting engaged in a year or so?” You aren’t giving him an ultimatum or anything, you’re just stating what he said and making sure you’re on the same page.
I will add that a lot of men have trouble looking and planning into the future. Some men don’t realize most people are engaged for at least 12 months. They see an engagement = married. A lot of men don’t realize you will prob try for a baby for a while and then you’re pregnant for 9 months. Sometimes they just need someone to talk it all out. (My sister’s now fiancé thought people proposed and then got married in 2 or 3 months so he was waiting. My sister straight up told him she wanted to get married and be engaged for 2 years and he was so confused. He proposed right after that lol).
Post # 21
This is literally just my opinion, of course, but I think:
October: Bring up when you would be closing the gap, you both should think about who goes where and how jobs work out and where you’ll live. Mention planning a timeline to be in one place together.
Winter: Finalize a doable timeline that is at the most at the one year mark to move in together. Mutually agree on how things will work and this would be a good time to bring up being engaged when you move in or shortly after.
Between Winter and One Year: Remind about proposal plans and agreed upon timeline and discuss finances, kids, etc.
One Year Mark: Be moved in together (maybe engaged or get engaged somewhere between 1 and 1.5 year mark). Discuss life plans to ensure marriage will be successful.
Be engaged for a year or so and see how you live together, plan your wedding, get married!
If it were me that is what I would do.
Post # 22
I think that’s a good outline of how I’d like to pace our conversations! I think we can have a short chat about closing the distace before he comes and expand on it once he’s here.
Thanks again guys! 🙂
Post # 23
oranges007 : There’s a difference between general timeline and marriage discussions, and more concrete discussions when you know you want to marry the person you’re with. The amount of time you’d like to date someone before getting married is more generalized. You’re saying, that ideally, after dating x amount of years, you should know if that’s the person you’re going to marry. Talking marriage TO your partner, is much more specific. That should be brought up further in when you know that’s the person for you.
For example, when my husband and I had been dating around 3 months or so, he said that he wanted to be married one day, wanted kids, and that he’d like to be engaged within a relationship after a year. These were all general timelines and discussions. We had a good idea about each other, but at 3 months we weren’t ready to say, we’re going to get married to each other within x amount of time. These are good baseline discussions to know what your partner expects, and if it lines up with what you want. If during that discussion, one of us said we wanted to get engaged about a year into a relationship and wanted 3 children, and the other person said they’d like to date 5 years before getting engaged, then wait another 2 before marriage, and would be happy with 1 or less kids, you’ve got a lot to talk about and you’re still early on in the relationship to be able to end it with less invested and find someone more compatible. At 5-6 months, our discussions changed to marriage talks and were less hypothetical, because we not only knew we both wanted to get married, but now we were more certain we wanted to marry each other. At that point, it became, I’d like to get engaged to you at around a year, have a relatively short engagement, and here’s my thoughts on rings.
Does that make sense?
Post # 24
So we talked about closing the gap last night and I expressed it’s a conversation I’d like to have with him when he visits. He expressed he’s serious about us and likes the idea of having a goal to work toward, although it’s something he hadn’t been thinking formally yet. I asked him how he felt about closing the gap, and he said he’s a bit anxious as it’d mean changing things for both of us, but that he’s excited to have me in his future.
I expressed that I’m 90% certain about moving to him since I’ve made major moves in my life, have been wanting to swtich companies for awhile, and never set down solid roots when I returned to my home city for those reasons. I’m also certified in two fields, so the job search won’t be more stressful than what I’ve experienced when looking previously.
Of course I was nervous bringing it up so “early”, but I’m so glad I did, and he likes the idea of discussing it. 🙂 To me, this reaffirms holding your own in a relationship and letting it all out.
knotyet : I get where you’re coming from and we’ve had hypothetical conversations like that. I think I’d feel more comfortable talking engagement when we finalize a timeline come winter.