(Closed) When to fire a bridesmaid

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s a little bit unfair that she expects you to take off multiple vacation days but she can’t take one extra day for you.  If the flight is already booked, there’s not much you can do, but you can explain to her that she’s asking you for the same sacrifice of time and you’re making it and that it hurts that she can’t take an extra day for the rehearsal.

If she can’t make it for extreme circumstances, that’s one thing, but 5 months out I should think she can plan an extra day in.  It’s hard because if she’s not there for the rehearsal, she won’t know what to do.  I think you just need to have an honest talk with her about your concerns, and if she feels like she absolutely can’t be there, hopefully she’ll choose to step down.  You can’t “fire” a bridesmaid because it’s not a job, it’s something you do out of love and friendship (hopefully).

Post # 4
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would just tell her that you’re not comfortable with being stressed out about the risk that she might not make it on time, and that you would love if she just attended as a guest.  Having a bridemaid MIA is the last thing I’d want to be thinking about on my wedding day.

Post # 5
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

For me, if I couldn’t fulfill the duties of a bridesmaid, I would be uncomfortable being there to simply be a warm body in the bridal party. I had bridesmaids from all over the country, but they all came to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and were there in the morning to get ready with everyone and be with me during a stressful, exciting day. It’s about so much more than just the 45 minute ceremony. It seems that she understands that as she expects you to “take a vacation” with her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, but she might be placing more importance on her day than yours. 

Post # 6
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@SapphireSun:  This

Also, just a pet peeve, but it drives me nuts when people post about “firing” a bridesmaid.  It’s not a job, she’s not paid, you are not her boss.  This is begging all brides out there with difficult bridemaid situation to phrase it differently!  “Stepping down” “Serve as a guest instead of a bridesmaid” “Relinguish her responsibilities as bridesmaid…”  Yes, some of those are wordy, but there are multiple possibilities!

Post # 7
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@TinaM:  are you paying her? bc if not you probably can’t fire her. I get that you are upset and she probably isn’t being a good friend. However if you want to preserve your friendship w her I suggest you break it to her gently and don’t use the term “fire” when you speak with her. 

Post # 10
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@TinaM:  If she hasn’t bought her tickets, then let her know immediately that you are not comfortable having her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man unless she attends rehearsal. That way the ball is 100% in her court. If she chooses to skip the rehearsal, she’s choosing not to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man

Post # 11
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@msfahrenheit:  exactly.  You should explain to her now what the minimum expectations are: that she shows up to the rehearsal, or at least can come in early enough that you won’t be worried an hour before your wedding that she’s delayed.  Then it’s her call as to whether she can deliver or not.

Post # 12
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@TinaM:  Instead of “informing” her you should have a conversation with her. Her only job as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is to buy the dress and show up (on time!) for the wedding. She doesn’t NEED to be at the rehearsal but she definitely should arrive with enough time to get ready/be at the ceremony on time. So explain that to her and if she can’t do that then you don’t need to “fire” her because she stepped down on her own.

Post # 13
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly the only time I think anyone should ask someone to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is if they are no longer interested in having that person in their life.  If they have done something so egregious that you no longer consider them a friend and hope to never see them again.

If you ask someone, there will be irreparable damage to the relationship.

Post # 14
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

That is really tough.  I would normally say you might just be a little stressed and are seeing it a little harshly but the expectation that you go to her destination wedding – and lose $ – when she can’t come one day before just sounds too lopsided of committment for me. 

Maybe you can call her and say how excited you are for her wedding and that there is nothing more important for you than being there for her and how its equally important that she is there for you since you two have such a strong friendship.  And then don’t say anything.  Wait for her to speak.  If she brings up again the fact that she doesn’t have vacation time, mention that you believed your role as her Bridesmaid or Best Man was so important that you took a leave of absence.  Ask if you misunderstood your role as her bridesmaid.  Maybe she is the kind of person who wants a ‘warm body’, but that’s not what you want/need.  If it’s about money, and you really want her there (and its not just a pride thing), then maybe you can ask a relative to hand over some points so that she isn’t worried about the cost of missing an extra day of work.  I totally agree with the other poster that unless you’re ready to throw this friendship out the window, you can’t ask her to step down.  If she’s done this sort of behavior before, and you knowingly risked having her in the wedding, then it might be time to evaluate her friendship.

At the end of it, it’s really about your friends and family.  This sounds more like there might be a lack of mutual understanding more than selfishness.  Good luck!  🙂

 

 

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