- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Ugh. I hate when you get to the point when you feel like it’s in the best interest to let someone you care about go out of your life…but I think I’m at that point.
Years before meeting Fiance I had a friends with benefits relationship with a guy we’ll call John. For the longest time I wanted more with John, but that never worked itself out and the ‘benefits’ stopped. There was no bitterness and he and I stayed friends for years. We both went in and out of serious relationships with other people but would hang out as friends and with mutual friends.
His dad went through cancer and I did my best to be there for him because it was a very hard time for his family. Emotionally John was on a rollercoaster trying to help his family pull through financially and watching his father’s health go up and down.
I moved away but would still hang out with John when I did come home to visit family…Fiance and I are both aware that we have ex’s as friends and it’s never an issue because clearly all parties have moved on… or so I thought.
Christmas of 2009 I came home for the holidays without Fiance. John and I met to grab drinks and catch up and I got quite a shock. John, out of the blue, expressed his undying love for me, begged me to be with him, said he would move to my new state to be with me, told me he’d already played and replayed how he would propose to me in his mind. He said that he had loved me all along but he had been to afriad to act on it. I left that conversation completely shocked. I wasn’t engaged yet but already sooooo in love with Fiance.
For months after that I didn’t speak with John, mostly because I didn’t know what to say. Obviously I didn’t share his feelings… and I felt it was somewhat disrespectful of him to say all of those things knowing I was with someone else…. then the worst happened and his father lost his battle with cancer. 🙁 I attributed John’s revelation months before to all of the grief he was going through and I reached out to him, again as a friend, to try and be there for him. But the reaction was the same, he took me reaching out as a sign that I maybe felt the same…. which I didn’t.
Fiance was very irritated at that point and didn’t want me to turn into the shoulder for John to cry on. Completely understandable as I would have a hard time with him comforting some girl who kept expressing how in love with him she was… but I still kept him and his family in my prayers and have tried to stay in touch from a distance.
John has been having health problems of his own lately and today I saw on Facebook that he is having heart surgery tomorrow. I text him quickly to let him know that I hope things go well and I would pray for him. He text back “Thank you so much babe. God Bless you and just know I have always loved you.” Ahhh. 🙁
I really don’t understand the hang up with me. It’s been YEARS. I wish he had gotten over his feelings so that we could go back to being friends again. I do care about him a great deal and wish him the best for the future. But as sad as it makes me, I feel like it’s probably time to delete him from my life 🙁 My #1 priority now is my Fiance, our marriage and the family we’re about to start. As much as I want to be there for John, I feelt like it may be disrespectful to Fiance given John’s insitence on stating his feelings everytime we talk.
Arg…anyway. I’m not sure if anyone has any words of advice or comfort. I think I feel a little better, just putting my feelings down on paper (or screen).