Post # 1
So lately I have had a strong urge to start trying for a baby. DH and I were married in August. I am 24 he is 29. We currently live in a two bedroom townhouse and both have stable jobs (RN and railroad conductor) making over $100k a year. I think we should start trying now. DH thinks I am just “bored” now that the wedding is over and I’ve completed my bachelor’s degree and I should take this time to focus on myself and our new marriage instead of jumping right into trying for a baby. I have worked out the finances to pay off my student loans and car within three years which would then give us an extra $1000 a month and at that point I would love to get a bigger home. He does remind me that with a baby this three year debt free (minus mortgage) plan would go right out the window. I know everything he’s saying is true I just can’t shake the urge to try to start expanding our family! Any advice bees? When did you decide was the “right” tone?
Post # 2
Sorry to say, but the “right” time is when you BOTH agree it’s time…I know it sucks to wait when you feel you’re ready, but it’s really important you’re both on the same page.
Post # 3
Sit down with some wine and have the timeline discussion and lay all the goals on the table (debt, buying a bigger place, etc)
We did this and ended up agreeing (over two years ago) on when we wanted to do a lot of things, including TTC. I’m 34 and we got married in August. I think I might have wanted to try right away, but he wanted to wait until we start the process of moving to another state, so we agreed on Feb 2015. It was much easier for me to wait once I knew when we were going to start, and I think he likes knowing because it gives him a lot of time to get used to the idea.
Waiting hasn’t been so hard now that I know for sure when we’re going to pull the goalie – and we decided this back in Feb of 2013 so it has been a lonnnggg wait.
Post # 4
Some advice I was given before I got married was to enjoy the first year of marriage, just the two of you.
So I say give it a year and then revisit. Then, as PP says, if your DH is onboard, go for it.
(The prudent part of me says, pay off your debts so stick to your 3 year plan)
Post # 5
sara_tiara: I agree.
Plus, I kind of agree with your husband. Chilling out as a married couple for a while, and getting yourself debt free is an excellent idea. Not many people have that luxury, and getting rid of debt as fast as possible is the way my FI and I operate, so I might be a little biased.
Not only that, but I can tell you from experience, moving while pregnant is NO FUN. Moving with a toddler is NO FUN. (I moved while pg, then moved 2 years later. It was AWFUL)
AAlso, because this is important to mention, if your husband wants to wait a bit, that should be reason enough. It sounds like the two of you have so much going for you, and you’ll be excellent, responsible parents. Waiting is not going to change that.
To pass the time, I would suggest date nights, maybe small vacations here or there, and just enjoying your husband in general 🙂
Post # 6
sara_tiara: CaroBee: SarahLulu: MrsBagel: Thank you all for your suggestions. I guess it does kinda suck waiting because we haven’t set a time frame his response was just “not right now” so I think this weekend when he’s finally off for a whole weekend we are going to go out for a nice dinner and male a solid plan regarding finances, goals, and when to start TTC and then maybe waiting won’t be so bad. normally I am such a “common sense” woman and while common sense tells me I should wait until we pay off the bills and move I just can’t get over that feeling of I want a baby now. but in life we don’t always get what we want and I think out of respect for my husband wishes I need to let that urge go for a few years.
Post # 7
I hate to say it but one great advantage of being a Catholic and not using contraception is that the decision is made for you when you get married !
Post # 8
S-Bride: I’m Catholic too but still believe in contraceptive use. so I think that’s more of a personal choice for you and your husband to not use contraceptives and not really a general “because I’m Catholic” statement.
Post # 9
S-Bride: yeah, that’s a weird thing to say. Some people (Catholic or not) don’t like to leave it up to chance. Some (most) responsible people actually like to plan and prepare.
Post # 10
I definitely suggest enjoying the first year of marriage. Especially since you are only 24.
Post # 11
future.mrs.koban: Being ready for a baby isn’t all about being financially ready. Obviously something is holding your husband back, and since it is partly his decision too, you should give it some time. If he hasn’t given you a reason besides “not right now” you are definitely entitled to ask him for more calrification, but if he just isn’t ready because he doesn’t want to responsibility yet or because he does want to wait for a house, then try to find something to occupy your time and give the discussion another visit later on. Maybe even discuss a time when it would be appropriate to bring it up again.
Post # 12
If you JUST got married, and JUST finished school, I’d definitely give it a year or so. Take time to get used to your new, married, post-school life.
If its feasible, see if there are ways to make the debt reduction faster? My DH and I had a monthly debt payment in our budget which would’ve paid it off in 5 years, but we also took roughly half of any gift money (including wedding gifts) and dumped it into the debt, and I also took a second part-time job for awhile so my whole extra paycheck could go to it. We got it down in a year that way. It was rough and not fun, but we decided to push for it since even paying it down in 5 years instead of the recommended 10, we were going to pay an extra 7k in interest (damn student loans!)
Post # 13
future.mrs.koban: One bee said something brilliant in a previous post somewhere that I absolutely loved, “It takes two people to have a baby but it takes only one person to not have a baby.”If your husband isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. Pushing him won’t make him any more ready; it will just create tension.
Also, I think your husband is right — there is no reason to rush. You have time to save up, travel, pay off debt, etc and you are so young! You should take advantage of all that and wait a couple years! Trust me though, I understand how freaking hard waiting is. I have wanted a baby basically since we got married two years ago (I was 24) and we are just now expecting our first. S/he will be born exactly on our 3 year anniversary. I think it was great to “get used” to being married, iron out the kinks in our relationship, travel, save up a ton of money and get more settled in our careers.
I also suggest that you sit down and discuss common goals and that you set a hard timeline that you both agree to! Compromise. Once I knew when we could TTC, I felt better. Side note, after waiting 2 years out of originally planned 4 year wait to TTC, my husband got the itch and we did end up TTCing so there’s always that 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 14
I don’t dispute that many Catholic couples use contraception, but even they would I’m sure admit that the Church teaches against it (although it does allow couples to use Natural Family Planning if they have a reason to avoid pregnancy). So of course it is a matter of choice, but if you follow Church teaching the choice is made for you.
Post # 15
future.mrs.koban: I understand how you’re feeling. 100%. Wanting a baby-for real wanting a baby, not just loving the idea of being parents one day-hit me about two months after our wedding last December. It was tough because DH originally thought we’d wait two years after marriage before trying. When we talked, and I suggest calmly and removing emotions, and I clearly explained how I felt, we compromised on a year (starting July 2015 after being married just over 1 1/2 years). However, due to some new plans, we may be starting January or February 2015 at just over a year married. I will be glad at that time that we waited because life changes quickly, but I understand how hard and how emotionally tied we can get to the idea. DH wants a baby so bad, but unlike me, the thought doesn’t pop in his head every day like it does me. If he’s not ready, then I would have your talk and then agree to bring up the topic again in X amount of time to see where you’re at. Good luck!