Post # 1
So we just found out couple weeks ago that I’m pregnant! Darling Husband and I are both very excited (1st baby, been married for a little shy of 2 years) 🙂
I told my family right away but we’re waiting on breaking the news to my in-laws. The truth is, I have a bad relationship with them and stopped talking to them for over a year now (from all the drama from the engagement period to trying to control the wedding to not respecting the boundaries to making disrespectful/hurtful comments after we got married really drove me to the edge, and after much counseling, I’ve decided to distance myself from them for my own emotional well-being and thankfully Darling Husband is understanding of all this).
I honest don’t feel comfortable letting them know about my pregnancy until after the first trimester as miscarriages are common during that time. My husband wants to tell them at 8 weeks (I’m at 6 weeks now). I told him that I’m not comfortable letting his parents know until I reach 12 weeks but he keeps saying, “you told your parents, they’re my parents too.” I understand his point but I honest don’t think they’d be supportive if I ever have a miscarriage, but rather be judgmental and make underhanded mean comments like they have many times before.
I told my husband that most people break the news to others after 12 weeks and he asked me to ask my friends how they did it with their in-laws. The thing is, I haven’t even told any of my friends yet! So I’m writing here to get your opinion.
I know there are many people who tell their in-laws right away b/c they have a great relationship with them, and I would have done the same if I were in the same boat… Unfortunately, I’m not.
Is there anyone who’s in my situation? How did you deal with breaking the news to your in-laws?
Post # 3
It sounds to me like you’re keeping this pregnancy from them to hold power over them. I can understand you still being angry at them, but you’re not being fair to your husband. He deserves to tell his parents at the same time you tell yours.
Edit: I’m sorry, I had a pretty strong initial reaction because a friend of mine did this to her in-laws. I shouldn’t make judgements about your situation. I hope you guys come to a happy agreement. Best of luck.
Post # 4
after first trimester for everyone is my vote – i hate being told about pregnancies before 12 weeks
Post # 5
@ohmystars28: Wow, that was a fast response. I haven’t thought it that way (“holding power over them” by keeping my pregnancy until I reach the mature phase), I am honestly worried that if something ever goes wrong they’d make a huge deal out of it instead of giving support. I’m not angry at them anymore, but I am scared to face them again as they’ve been very hurtful to me. I know I have to be fair to my husband. Thanks for your comment.
@eloping: Thank you! Yes, I’m waiting until after 12 weeks to break the news to everyone (except I already told my family who are overseas)…
Post # 6
I agree with your husband, if you told one set of parents you should tell both. Remember, it’s not just your baby, it’s your husband’s baby too!
Post # 7
I disagree with ohmystars. I’m not remotely in your situation but if all you get from them is a bunch of nasty remarks, I’d be hesitant too. I would tell my parents before his, unless circumstances really dictated otherwise (like his mom is your OB/ GYN or something…) because it’s your body.
Why does your husband want to tell them at 8 weeks? I mean, why not 7 or 9 or some other arbitrary number? If he truly understands why you’ve distanced yourselves from them, he should understand why you would want to keep them out of the loop in case something terrible happened, when you would need to be surrounded by loving, supportive people the most. He is understandably frustrated but in this situation, I think you outweigh him.
But that’s just my 2 cents. I’m still in a grey area about even wanting kids, and SO doesn’t want them, but regardless of the specifics- until six weeks from now, there is a greater potential for a bad thing to happen and you don’t want hostile people to be involved if it happens. End of story. That should be respected.
I wish you the best of luck that nothing bad does happen and in 30something weeks, you and your husband have a happy, healthy baby 🙂
Post # 8
We aren’t and won’t be pregnant for a while. And I have a decent relationship with my ILs, but I most likely will tell my parents first (pretty much right away) and wait to tell his for a little while (most likely first trimester too) because ILs have a tendency to be judgemental and kind of harsh about any choices we make and think we need to justify every choice we make to them, and I don’t want to justify a baby to them, whenever it happens. I agree with you, God forbid, if anything should go wrong, I wouldn’t want to be un-telling someone who has previously been less than supportive!
Post # 9
I did not have good relationship with my in laws at first, so I understand where you’re coming from. Honestly, it would bother me if my husband insisted on telling them when I did not want them to know. If they were saying hurtful things to me, I would expect my husband to be angry and not talk to them either. So I say stand your ground and if you don’t want them to know then they better not find out from your husband. Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy! 🙂
Post # 10
@abbyful: Thanks for your comment. Yes, that’s very close to what he said, too, lol and I do understand him. I’m completely torn — I want to be fair to my husband but I’m also scared/worried of their hostility in case something goes wrong. Ahhhh…. this is so hard
@Koi Fishie: Thank youuu! Yes, that is exactly how I feel and why I’m hesitant! My Mother-In-Law is very crafty with her underhanded comments that are very hurtful and I’m so scared she’d say nasty things like she always have in the past, which is why I stopped talking to her. I honestly doubt she’d be even happy about this pregnancy either — she has made a weird comment in the past that made my husband and I both wonder if she’s suggesting that he should get a divorce? Not sure why my husband said 8 weeks intead of some other number. I think he was just thinking in 4-week terms and wanted to tell them before 12 weeks. Thanks for the best wishes!
@ohmystars28: Just saw your edit. That’s okay and thanks for additional comment. I was blushing at first but kinda figured that your strong reaction (w/o knowng the details) had to do with something else. Thanks again.
Post # 11
@chasesgirl: Thank you for your inputs! Yup, my in-laws are very judgmental about our decisions. They were quite angry about how we decided to split holidays between them and my family (i.e. Thanksgiving with the in-laws and Christmas with my family and vice versa the following year so it’s fair for everyone) and wanted us to come visit them for both holidays (as if my family doesn’t matter) and when we told them that this is how we decided to do holidays, my Mother-In-Law said how “God is not happy” with our decisions on splitting the holidays, etc… so this kind of remarks really makes me think that if something ever goes wrong, she might say something in the lines of, “God is not happy with her, which is why she had a miscarriage.” And that will absolutely tear my heart into pieces.
@debwrb: Thank you! I am a little bothered that he isn’t being 100% understanding and I see his point too, which is why I’m torn. I think he is open to the idea of waiting until after the first trimester, which is probably why he asked me to ask around and see how others dealt with it. Hopefully he’ll come around and understand stand my concerns more… Thanks again.
Post # 12
I would absolutely not tell them until your comfortable, and I would refer you here for the future craziness that is likely to ensue. If they were bad enough for you to cut contact with them, they absolutely haven’t earned the right to know early. Being involved with your pregnancy and subsequent baby is a Privelage NOT a right and going off just what you’ve mentioned here, it doesn’t sound like they deserve that privelage. While it’s your husband’s baby too, right now it’s Your body and thus your decision.
Post # 13
my Mother-In-Law said how “God is not happy” with our decisions on splitting the holidays, etc…
Wow, that must be so convenient, having a direct line to God! I bet she always knows what the weather is going to be.
Seriously. I understand your husband wanting to tell his folks, of course – he must be torn between excitement and frustration at not being able to share it with them like you could with your family. But if this is how your Mother-In-Law treats you, it is just not fair putting you in the position of having to bear her vitriol if, god forbid, anything went wrong.
Post # 14
@mrssweets – when will you have your first ultrasound? Maybe a compromise would be to tell them after that? My doctor said that the miscarriage risk goes way down after an ultrasound at 8+ weeks shows a heartbeat. I think the risk at that point is pretty close to the risk after 12 weeks.
I told my parents after my bloodwork came back okay. I am close with my in laws and wanted to tell them too, but my Darling Husband wants to wait until at least our 9w ultrasound. We basically decided that we each got to make the call about our own parents. However, I can understand your situation is different.
Post # 15
@saraja87: Wow, thank you! That’s a great resource and I can see myself frequenting that group, lol. “Being involved with your pregnancy and subsequent baby is a Privelage NOT a right” –> wow, that’s a great line… you’re so right and I do wish to be surrounded by loving, supportive people during my pregnancy. I’m afraid my in-laws woud just add more stress. Thank you so much!!
@mightywombat: Thank you. You know, as much as I am hurt by them and want to stay away from them, it does make me sad especially at times like this that even sharing such a wonderful news can be hard and complicated. And the fact that I can’t trust them that they’d be loving and supportive throughout my pregnancy, let alone if something ever goes wrong, is just really sad. Thanks again for your comment.
@78h2o: Well, I already had an appointment with my OB/GYN that was set up way before I learned about my pregnancy so I saw her a few days after my home pregnancy test (timing worked out perfectly). I had the blood test (results not in yet) and she did perform an ultrasound (though she said that you can’t really see anything at 5 weeks b/c it’s so small). I’m seeing her again in about two weeks for my real (?) first ultrasound to hear the baby’s hear beat…come to think of it, I think that’s probably why Darling Husband said he wants to tell his parents after 8 weeks. It must so be nice to have a great relationship with the in-laws and I envy you :). Best of luck to your pregnancy!
Post # 16
My SIL just miscarried two days ago, so I will say: Do not tell anyone who will not be supportive of you. She’s pretty devastated about how her father reacted to the news.