When to tell the in-laws about my pregnancy?

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds to me like you’re keeping this pregnancy from them to hold power over them. I can understand you still being angry at them, but you’re not being fair to your husband. He deserves to tell his parents at the same time you tell yours. 

Edit: I’m sorry, I had a pretty strong initial reaction because a friend of mine did this to her in-laws. I shouldn’t make judgements about your situation. I hope you guys come to a happy agreement. Best of luck. 

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

after first trimester for everyone is my vote – i hate being told about pregnancies before 12 weeks

congrats!

Post # 6
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with your husband, if you told one set of parents you should tell both. Remember, it’s not just your baby, it’s your husband’s baby too!

Post # 7
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

I disagree with ohmystars.  I’m not remotely in your situation but if all you get from them is a bunch of nasty remarks, I’d be hesitant too.  I would tell my parents before his, unless circumstances really dictated otherwise (like his mom is your OB/ GYN or something…) because it’s your body.

Why does your husband want to tell them at 8 weeks?  I mean, why not 7 or 9 or some other arbitrary number?  If he truly understands why you’ve distanced yourselves from them, he should understand why you would want to keep them out of the loop in case something terrible happened, when you would need to be surrounded by loving, supportive people the most.  He is understandably frustrated but in this situation, I think you outweigh him.

But that’s just my 2 cents.  I’m still in a grey area about even wanting kids, and SO doesn’t want them, but regardless of the specifics- until six weeks from now, there is a greater potential for a bad thing to happen and you don’t want hostile people to be involved if it happens.  End of story.  That should be respected.

I wish you the best of luck that nothing bad does happen and in 30something weeks, you and your husband have a happy, healthy baby  πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

We aren’t and won’t be pregnant for a while. And I have a decent relationship with my ILs, but I most likely will tell my parents first (pretty much right away) and wait to tell his for a little while (most likely first trimester too) because ILs have a tendency to be judgemental and kind of harsh about any choices we make and think we need to justify every choice we make to them, and I don’t want to justify a baby to them, whenever it happens. I agree with you, God forbid, if anything should go wrong, I wouldn’t want to be un-telling someone who has previously been less than supportive!

Post # 9
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I did not have good relationship with my in laws at first, so I understand where you’re coming from.  Honestly, it would bother me if my husband insisted on telling them when I did not want them to know.  If they were saying hurtful things to me, I would expect my husband to be angry and not talk to them either. So I say stand your ground and if you don’t want them to know then they better not find out from your husband. Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy! πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would absolutely not tell them until your comfortable, and I would refer you here for the future craziness that is likely to ensue. If they were bad enough for you to cut contact with them, they absolutely haven’t earned the right to know early. Being involved with your pregnancy and subsequent baby is a Privelage NOT a right and going off just what you’ve mentioned here, it doesn’t sound like they deserve that privelage. While it’s your husband’s baby too, right now it’s Your body and thus your decision.

Post # 13
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

my Mother-In-Law said how “God is not happy” with our decisions on splitting the holidays, etc…

Wow, that must be so convenient, having a direct line to God! I bet she always knows what the weather is going to be.

Seriously. I understand your husband wanting to tell his folks, of course – he must be torn between excitement and frustration at not being able to share it with them like you could with your family. But if this is how your Mother-In-Law treats you, it is just not fair putting you in the position of having to bear her vitriol if, god forbid, anything went wrong.

Post # 14
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mrssweets – when will you have your first ultrasound? Maybe a compromise would be to tell them after that? My doctor said that the miscarriage risk goes way down after an ultrasound at 8+ weeks shows a heartbeat. I think the risk at that point is pretty close to the risk after 12 weeks.

I told my parents after my bloodwork came back okay. I am close with my in laws and wanted to tell them too, but my Darling Husband wants to wait until at least our 9w ultrasound. We basically decided that we each got to make the call about our own parents. However, I can understand your situation is different.

Post # 16
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

My SIL just miscarried two days ago, so I will say: Do not tell anyone who will not be supportive of you. She’s pretty devastated about how her father reacted to the news.

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