When will this pain stop?!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Hi again 🙂 

My impression is that what you are feeling is exactly what you need to feel right now. It’s not bad, it’s not something you need to avoid, it’s not unnatural or wrong, and most importantly, it’s not unsolvable

Let your feelings be felt. That’s the only way to learn from them, and grow, and assimilate them into your truth about yourself. 

A quote: 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke

You got this!!!!! 

 

Post # 3
Member
2796 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I read somewhere that to get over a breakup, it takes a minimum of one month for every year of your relationship.  That’s at least a month, not maximum – and I suspect for a very codependent relationship, it might well be longer.  So realistically you’re not quite there yet, so what you’re feeling is pretty normal.  

I had a horrible breakup (which ended in him going back to his ex) and the hurt was beyond anything I’d ever experienced.  I did what you’re doing (plus I took up a new hobby and started playing roller derby, which turned out to be a brilliant move) and yes, the pain went away over time.  It turned to anger first, and i had to figure out how to let that go, but it sounds like your therapist is awesome so if that happens to you, you’ll find a way to deal with it.  I’ve now been married for three years and I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t know if your therapist has asked you this – but when you say you miss her, have you thought about whether you’re actually missing HER, missing the IDEA of her (which possibly didn’t match the reality) or are you missing having a partner? They’re three very different things.

Post # 5
Member
8913 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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berg101 :  Hey Ben. I am so sorry to hear you are still hurting, but it sounds like you are making wonderful steps towards the future. It’s great to hear you are working with a therapist and learning to become your own person. Years ago I was like you, would instantly move on to the next person. After a big bad breakup I was actually single for about 2 years, never thought I would find love again.

 

I spent that 2 years on me, learning new things, doing things I had always wanted to do, learned to enjoy my own company, and then one day I met my other half, we get married next year.

 

I know it is tough, and when you have shared such a chunk of your life with someone it is hard to move on. Best of luck to you, no tips really, just keep doing what you are doing. 

Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Hey Ben – First off I wanted to give you a big virtual hug. I went through a break up seven months ago (from four year relationship) so I can relate. I can also relate to missing the person they were in the first years of the relationship when you had so much hope together.

First off, I agree with you and your therapist….you need to focus on yourself now, and not self-medicate with another relationship.

As the poster above said, you are feeling everything you are meant to be feeling right now. Try not to numb those feelings with alcohol. Your feelings tell you is that you loved hard and that you value love and companionship. If you had a red button that could take away all the pain you are feeling now, but it also meant you would never love again, would you press it? Or would you go through this period, come out a stronger more independent person and fall in love again? Most people have been through at least one horrible break-up.

I took 6 months off dating to focus on myself after my relationship ended and ended up making some amazing life choices I wouldnt have made if i was still in the relationship (as i was too comfortable). I also started dating again a few weeks ago and it’s not as horrible as I thought it would be! In fact…I can’t believe i’m saying this but it’s actually fun. It made me realise there are other attractive men in the world who are smart, kind and treat me with respect! I think the fact you felt so drained after kissing/hooking up with new girls means you are not quite ready for dating..and that is okay 🙂 

Ask yourself: If you could guarantee that in one years time you would meet the love of your life, what would you want to look back and have done with this year?

Post # 8
Member
8913 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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berg101 :  We met through Tinder. Which I know sounds gross but for some context, we were both working 2 jobs each, so 6 days a week, all of our friends were already married and with babies so there was just no going out to pubs etc with friends and meeting people organically. I tried some more respectable sites but they were actually way worse than Tinder. At least with Tinder you only get to talk to mutual matches. Which for me, a woman, was best because I was getting sick of endless creepy mesages. 

 

I know it is not ideal and both fiance and I are a bit odd, but a first date is where you get to convey who you really are. I honestly feel like I met my perfect match and without Tinder that would have never happened. I had to go on a lot of terrible dates first mind you, but it was worth it in the long run. Maybe give it a shot down the road and if you hate it, delete it. But you will have tried it. 

Post # 9
Member
2796 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

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berg101 :  it was about 14 months between the breakup and meeting him.  I’d been actively dating for about seven or eight months before we met – a lot of first dates which didn’t go any further! I did give myself time to get over the breakup, and it was a good move.

Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get there, I promise! You sound very self aware and intelligent so just keep listening to the logical part of your brain (and your therapist) which is telling you to work on yourself and let yourself heal before jumping into a new relationship.

Post # 13
Member
8913 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
berg101 :  Ah fair enough,that all makes sense. I think your therapist is spot on though, being single will really help you heal. You don’t want to start a relationship with someone and they be head over heals in love with you in you are still emotinally caught up in your ex. So glad you allow us to help you with this. It’s good to talk and often men don’t have the same outlets as women. 

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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berg101 :  I totally understand. About this time last year I thought I had my life sorted and wouldn’t ever have to go on a first date again. I thought now i’d be engaged and living with my ex…I think that was the hardest part (the shock of the rug being pulled from under you when you 150% believe that is how your life is headed). Not silly at all. 

I understand it is lonely…It sounds like you miss the emotional intimacy of the relationship. It sucks when you’ve had something amazing and know how great relationships can be…and then go back to having no-one there. However it’s almost like you have to learn to be that comfort for yourself. Also I found just being around other people helped (passive socialising or actual socialising). Even small talk with people at yoga will re-energise you. Sorry your mum said that! Emotions are complex and you don’t just get better in a straight line of recovery…some days will be worse than others. This time of hardship will make you really appreciate when you do fall in love again (which you will!). 

 

 

 

 

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