When will this pain stop?!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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berg101 :  I believe there are multiple ‘ones’ and yes if there were already lots of issues than i don’t think she is your ‘forever’ one. Have you heard the quote ‘sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together?’. Maybe she was meant to be there for that period in your life and down the line things will become clearer about why you had to go through this hard time. Also I think its worth speaking to your therapist about that being a thought that is giving you comfort. You don’t want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think you should see the pain of missing the relationship like a wave that will come and go (rather than something you can’t tolerate and try to avoid at all costs). Also, if you feel like it gets worse when you are alone or in bed then I find listening to a podcast/radio useful as it distracts me from thoughts (like white noise). If you a romantic then i feel like you wil definitely meet someone again….however first the memories of this relationship need to fade, and the only thing that will do that is time.

Post # 18
Member
11143 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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berg101 :  

Half of your battle is won.  You are recognizing that the person you fell in love with is not the real woman, she’s a fantasy.  And you have awareness of your own attachment issues.  This is all very, very good.

You’re not mourning the loss of your ex.  You’re mourning the loss of the life you thought you were going to have.

There is no such thing as The One.  There are tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of people on the planet with whom you could be compatible.  Often, when we feel like we have found The One our our “soulmate”, we’re reacting to a bunch of unconscious, unfinished crap from our early lives.

And, yes, I have a happy ending story, too.  Actually, many of them.  I’m old enough to have gone through more than a few gawd awful breakups.  After I left my abusive ex husband, I literally didn’t think I could survive.  I cried all day, every day.  I did get into therapy and on antidepressants.  I managed to drag myself to yoga and to the dog sport we trained in.

It was only a few months later that I met a gentleman online.  And I do mean gentleman.  When we met, there was nowhere near the sparks and intensity I had with the ex (and look how that turned out).  He courted me.  He would drive an hour each way, just for the pleasure of my company over dinner.  Things evolved slowly, but steadily, with zero drama.  Eventually, I married the guy.  The zero drama factor was big.

One of the benefits of being old is that you develop a frame of reference.  You go through a few breakups and learn that the world actually won’t end, you will get through it, and you will find love again.

Post # 20
Member
11143 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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berg101 :  

It’s a cliche, I know, but time really does work magic.

Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time.  You are on a very good track.  It’s clear you won’t let yourself get derailed.

Post # 22
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I’ve spent my whole life thinking ‘when I find the one, that will be the time when I’m truly happy in my life’

Keep working on changing that mindset, because that’s going to be really important to finding a life partner in the future.  Pinning your happiness on another person is always fraught with problems because the weight of that on their shoulders can be overwhelming, whether it’s a conscious or unconscious thing.  It seems like you’re working really hard on being self-sufficient and content with yourself, which is awesome, so keep doing that!

And keep going to the gym 🙂 exercise really can make a huge difference to your mindset.

Post # 24
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Something that might help with your thought patterns is meditation, or mindfulness.  There’s a really great free app called Insight Timer which is basically guided meditations.  I know it sounds a bit hocus-pocus but I’ve found it to be very helpful to assist my brain in learning how to just “be” without having to have that constant thought or inner monologue going on the whole time.  It may not help you, but it just might – worth a shot anyway, particularly as it’s free!

Post # 27
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

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berg101 :  I haven’t personally had dreams like that but I know several people who have.  I think it’s pretty normal.  This is going to sound a bit stupid, but I bought one friend who was struggling with horrendous dreams about an ex a dream catcher.  I’m sure it was all placebo effect, but it helped quite a lot.  I also find that if I wake up after a bad dream, if I wake up almost properly (enough that I get up, use the bathroom, get a drink of water) it prevents me slipping back into the same dream when I go back to sleep.  If I wake up just enough to be conscious that I was dreaming, I tend to slide back into it when I go back to sleep and that’s horrible.

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