Post # 1
I’ve been a bee for 3 years but wanted to post in private about this issue. Is anyone married to someone who is has a mental disease?
I love my DH but i think our marriage is over due to this issue. I signed up to this marriage for the long haul but this is his second time he has gone manic and he wont get help. Both times i’ve had to flee due due to his behaviour. He hasnt touched me or anything like that but when he goes into his mania he thinks you are the bad guy and tries to be vendictive. If anyone gives him too much attention he thinks he is in love with them regarless of if they are men or women, horrible mood swings, goes spending,verbally abusive, etc.. He mentioned a dr once thought he was schizoid. I moved out but now that his mania is gone probably for another 6-12 months, he wants to make it work. At first he said he was willing to get officially diagnosed and that he has had about 4-5 mania episodes in his life.
Does anyone have a DH with a mental disease and made it work? I want to get him help but not sure how to do it. He realized this has caused our marriage to end and wants help, but when i ask about making an appointment he gives me excuses that he is afraid it will change him (the medications) or that he could lose his job.
Post # 3
@anonbeedc: He has bigger odds of losing his job if he doesn’t get help than if he does.
I don’t have any personal experience with being in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, but I do have an advanced degree in psychology.
If he wants the marriage to work, make it clear he has to get help or you’re gone.
He might be able to learn to control his mania via psychotherapy instead of meds.
Post # 4
@anonbeedc: I don’t think your relationship can be healthy unless he is willing to get professional help. It is not your responsibilit to diagnos him, and only he can get treatment to help get better. I would only get back together with him if he was willing to stick to professional treatment plans, and work together as a couple with a councilor to come up with strategies to maintain a healthy relationship and deal with future breakdowns.
Post # 5
@anonbeedc: If your husband is indeed Bipolar, then he needs treatment IMMEDIATELY. The thing is, with the right medications, he can get better! Its like a diabetic taking insulin to regulate their blood sugar. Its not going to “change” him, its going to make him feel and act like HIMSELF. And his mental health treatment is COMPLETELY confidential. There is no way his job will get access to his medical records(the exceptions are if he has a job where he handles fire arms or goes into the military).
Its really scary to admit that you have a mental health problem, and I understand why he wants to stay in denial, but honestly, this is MEDICAL PROBLEM, and not reflection on his character. Ask you husband this: If he was having problems with his heart, would he get medical treatment? If his thyroid wasn’t functioning, would he take medication for it? This is the same thing.
Good luck OP, and keep us posted!
Post # 6
I agree with PP that said that unless he is willing to get help, your relationship will not be healthy. There are different levels and types of mental illnesses, but one where he has manic episodes that he can’t control is definitely not one that you can sweep under the rug and wait until it all blows over. Despite it not being a physical danger to you now, it has already proven to be an emotional danger, and will lead to a physical danger later on.
If he truly wants to make it work, you both need to do your research of any mental health clinics in your area. Let him speak with a psychiatrist to get him diagnosed and medicated. Medication does amazing things, and while it may not get rid of his episodes, it will severely help in him controlling them.
Post # 7
Yes – my husband has OCD and depression alongside. He fixates on keeping the carpets in our house pristine. At one point he would hoover them twice a day and had a massive go at me about ‘walking the wrong way on them’
Our marriage was really tested by this. In the end I snapped and basically said get help or I walk! There was nothing else I could do. I had read this article where a guy had said that being with a partner with OCD was like having a full time job at home. It struck such a cord with me!
Of course I had pleaded with him to get help before that crunch point came – but in the end I think he had to hear how bad life with him was to see the need to change.
He is now in therapy, and although we are not out the woods yet, I can see some positive changes.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
My advice (which I didn’t have to take myself, thankfully) would be to lay down an ultimatum. He sees a doctor for this issue within some period of time (4 weeks?), continues seeing the doctor, and follows his/her advice to the T – or you’re gone. Yes it may change him, yes there’s a chance he could lose his job – but he is very clearly unwell. Also, the longer this kind of stuff goes untreated, the worse and more frequent the episodes get.
Leaving him because of a mental illness may seem to go against your vows, but at the same time, he has committed to being the best partner to you that he can be. If he refuses to see someone to help him with this very serious issue, he’s dropping the ball on both of you.
If he does agree, be there to help him along the way. It’s a scary thing all around, and he’s not in a state of mind where you can rely on him like you would a healthy person – so support him by going to his appointments with him, remind him to take his medication, etc.
And mostly importantly, show him continually through words and actions that you love him and you will get through this together as a team.
Of course, I would say this advice is negated if he’s being violent or abusive at all.
Good luck xoxo
Post # 9
Sounds to be Bi-Polar or Schizophrenic to me… due to the “paranoia” of Doctors / Medication changing him to be something he isn’t
I just did a post of Addictions for another Bee… and I am going to say similar things here.
This is a case of where the person has to be willing to help themselves… if they aren’t, there is little / NOTHING you can do.
They will only get worse over time.
You guys as a couple need to see a Doctor / Psychiatrist together so that your man knows this and understands the consequences of the decision he is making by going without treatment.
He is putting himself, the relationship he has with you… and YOU at risk.
That is unacceptable
If he cannot see that and make a commitment to treatment (and meds) then YOUR SAFETY is an issue
I’d be making the CHOICE to leave… be that the Marriage, or the Home.
Post # 10
I just have to chime in here on the loosing the job part; his job can not fire him due to mental illness. It’s covered just like if he had cancer, or any other disease. Your tag says you are in the states, so I assume you would be covered by FMLA. He might need to turn in paper work once he starts getting treated, but he will be covered.
Post # 11
@Misswhowedding: Doesn’t that change if he become a threat to people at his job or is unable to attend his job for a long time? And they could probably fire him for an unrelated reason. I’ve seen that done. Everyone knew the real reason but they were fired for “cutbacks”.
Post # 12
@anonbeedc: My FI mom was bipolar when she was alive. She was in and out of treatment facilities. They would get her meds right and then they wouldn’t work anymore for some reason. She tried to remove the devil from her kids multiple times. She tried to kill herself more than once. He rode in a cop car to the hospital too many times. He says that he loves his mom, but the worst thing she ever did was have kids because the meds would stop working and she would be manic and the dad wouldn’t know because he worked more than full time to provide for them. This was tough on the family and she was willing to get help. FI says the manic episodes got worse over time. (She died from cancer so I’ve never met her). I do know that she was the nicest lady when she wasn’t having manic episodes. She cared about her kids so much and tried to convince her husband to have them adopted because she didn’t feel like a fit mother. She asked for professional help. She took her meds. She did all the right things. He won’t talk about it much and it was very tramatizing. Not trying to scare you, but just thought you should know his story I guess. I read him this and he says that you need to get him help. If he isn’t being treated by a professional than you shouldn’t be with him for your safety.
Post # 13
@blueEyes90: Oh, I’m not saying they can’t find a different reason to fire him.
If he has a manic episode, and just goes off the wall and stops attending his work and doesn’t seek treatment, that is completely different. I have seen people with untreated mental illness lose their job exactly this way. FMLA requires paperwork.
If he can’t attend his job, he can get on a medical leave of absance under FMLA which would prevent them from firing him for the absance. It’s the same as someone with cancer unable to attend their job while they are getting treatment. Thats a lot of days off, but your employer can’t let you go just because of that.
A job can find all sorts of ways to let you go, especially in most states where employes are “at will employees.” Still, if he goes into work on Tuesday and asks off an afternoon to go see a psychatrist and on Wednesday morning he is fired, that is a great way to start a law suite that most companies won’t want to deal with.
Post # 14
@blueEyes90: Oh i’ve heard many people do take meds and are not fine. One of our dear friends was getting treated and one day out of the blue decided kill himself.
Post # 15
@Misswhowedding: In this area most jobs need a clearances and mental conditions could question your ability to do work. So far i havent seen any indications of it effecting his job though i assume people just dont notice it and may think he is just being essentric, stressed or something.
Post # 16
@Bridey77: I tried to reason using that same excuse. He understood but days later went into the oh i may lose my job or ill be different.