When you visit friends for a weekend would you bring your toddlers?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Backyard

I’m with solnishko1186 :  on this one, I find it really weird that people seem to think it would be totally unreasonable to leave a dad to take care of his own children for a few days. Why would a father be any less capable of caring for his children than a mother would? I suppose I can understand if the mother is still breastfeeding and won’t or can’t pump and/or the child doesn’t take a cup or bottle/etc.

For perspective, I am a parent and I did leave my breastfed 8 month old with my husband for 2-3 days to go away for a girl’s weekend. I would not have been comfortable leaving her with other people at that point, but I don’t consider leaving her with her father as being the same as leaving her with “someone else”.

That said, if it was specifically supposed to be the couple invited, it seems totally reasonable to me for the parents to inquire as to whether the children are welcome as well rather than just make assumptions one way or the other. Equally reasonable would be either a yes or no answer to that question.

Post # 48
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

edobbs87 :  

Why did you say yes if you want none of them there? This is why I don’t have friends without kids anymore…there’s a disconnect and you just don’t get it. If you didn’t want her family with her you should have said you were hoping it would be just her. Also not everyone wants to just pawn their kids off…maybe his parents were busy, maybe they aren’t that great about watching them, and 3.5 days is a lot to ask anyone to watch 2 babies. Your discomfort is going to be obvious so just disinvite her and save her from feeling stressed over her kids that you don’t like. Friends like you are legit the worst. “Friends”.

Post # 49
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We host friends all the time. Whenever we invite a couple that has children, we do so with the understanding that the children could possibly come along as well, whether we initially intended that or not (although if I’m being completely honest, I deep down prefer that they don’t). Our home is not child proof by any means and I’m not too experienced with hosting children (do I need to make separate food for them? does this mean we can never go to a concert or other adults-only activity? do they require specially-curated entertainment? etc). I find that I can usually rely on my friends to make the right choice in terms of whether they bring their kids or not. I have a couple of friends with extremely young or poorly behaved children. And they do not get overnight invitations because I don’t want to risk that they’ll end up bringing their kids. 

A quick aside: My mom used to host a certain friend of hers when I was a teenager. This parent always brought her demon-spawn son and she always viewed the visit as a vacation for herself, and therefore a break from parenting. So the kid would run, scream, raid the fridge and generally act out all weekend long and the friend didn’t attempt to control him because she had an ability to tune him out that we didn’t have. Any time he wanted or needed something, instead of tending to him she’d say “Ask Mrs. Overjoyed, this is her house” so she basically passed the parenting on to us. This lady and her child are seared into my brain at this point, and I do everything in power to avoid experiencing anything like that again. 

Post # 50
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

For a weekend?  Unless there was a reason NOT to bring them, probably.  I’d plan to stay at a hotel unless my friend insisted otherwise.  I’d want to make damn sure I wasn’t imposing, especially since you don’t have kids of your own. 

As a rule, Darling Husband and I don’t leave each other with our son for more than a night out here and there, and we’ve just got the one.  It’s not something we really discussed or decided upon, more that we both understand it’s a lot of work when you’re on your own!  On that subject, kudos to single parents!

Post # 52
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sf618 :  Yikes. Harsh much? OP obviously is allowing her friend to bring her family because she knows its the right thing to do, even though she’s anxious about it and it will inconvenience her household. That’s a good friend. Even when a friend means well and DOES want to host you and your kids, it doesn’t mean they’ll be good at it. Because as you put it, they “don’t get it.” Last year, I had what I thought was a family-friendly brunch because I wanted my friends to come enjoy without worrying about a sitter. I told my friends “oh sure, bring the little ones!” Those little cutiepies got into EVERYTHING. Bobbed for ice cubes in the champagne bucket, one splatted her entire hand in the guacamole, one found a pair of my sunglasses in a dresser drawer and nearly broke them. I wasn’t angry, but was feeling a little frustrated that I was losing control of my event. When one of the moms saw me throwing out the guacamole, she told me “that’s your fault, you should have put it somewhere a child couldn’t reach,” even though I didn’t even complain at all. Yeah, I was a little bummed to have to throw away the whole bowl of food and perhaps it showed on my face a bit. But as a parent, I’d think I’d have felt a little sorry for the hostess, not blamed her for being disappointed. One kid snuck up behind me in the kitchen and almost got a tray of hot bruschetta dropped on him. I told the mom what happened and asked her to keep an eye on her child and she told me I should have closed the kitchen door behind me because “you know kids are curious.”  I mean, ok. I did the best I could, but I couldn’t anticipate everything as I don’t have kids and don’t know the ins and outs of hosting them. Someone being a little uncomfortable about the new experience of hosting children doesn’t make them a bad friend, let alone “the worst.” 

Post # 53
Member
2806 posts
Sugar bee

emissary :   “And it’s plain obvious who isn’t a parent on here. “.

I️ am not sure if you were inclusive of me as well, and don’t want to make assumptions- but to clarify,  I️ am a parent to 2 15 months old twin girls who are an adorable handful 😍. 

And just to clarify- I️ am very particular whom I️ trust to leave our kids with. Our families (on both sides) are out of state., so we don’t get much help and are on our own. My mom and mil came to visit few times and most me and Darling Husband went away for was an overnight trip to local town when grandparent watches them. But it doesn’t apply to DH- he is just as capable and equal parent as me, and he went on business trips leaving me with 2 infants by myself, and I️ had few occasions where I️ had to leave for few days and he handled his kids by himself. 

Post # 55
Member
2806 posts
Sugar bee

edobbs87 :  That’s so nice of you to accommodate her and plan kids friendly activities, food, etc. I️ am sure even though she is not traveling kids free- it’s still a break to her. Change of scenery, adult conversation with her friend, extra set of hands, and you will have a great time regardless. As far as her husband- just ughhhh. I️ don’t understand uninvolved fathers and how women tolerate that. He sounds like a winner. 

Post # 57
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Your discomfort is going to be obvious so just disinvite her and save her from feeling stressed over her kids that you don’t like. Friends like you are legit the worst. “Friends””

Nah. It’s “friends” like you who don’t get it and who are the worst. None of my friends with kids would assume the entire family was invited if I just said, “you should come and visit sometime.” That’s just bad manners. They might reply, “I’d love to, but I am breastfeeding and don’t really want to leave Cornelious at this point” and then we would make plans to include her kids or wait until she felt she could take a few days by herself (however, if the child was very young, I would include them in the invite to begin with).

And if I invite a couple over for dinner, I don’t expect them to bring their kids (unless, again, they are very young). I’ve never known anyone to insist that their 6-year old come to every social event with them unless it’s a family-type activitiy or they don’t have a babysitter. I think it’s very odd to assume that you come as a unit with your kids to all or even most social activities.

Post # 58
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m childless but love kids and want my own. However, we will not be childproofing until we have one in the picture ourselves. Toddlers get into everything and I’d feel crazy thinking of everything we had to lock up. I’d much rather visit friends with kids that age at their places – where I know the house is toddler-friendly. I wouldn’t say no, I’d just want a plan to keep the kiddos safe without upending my house.

Babies that can not yet crawl and kids 5+ I’d be happy to host. 

Post # 59
Member
6051 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

solnishko1186 :  As I said in my other post, I as the mother also wouldn’t want to watch the kids alone for 3-4 days. It’s hard and if my husband wanted to go out of town for a guys’ weekend or something we’d have to have a serious talk about it because I would not really be on board with the idea. So, for me, it’s not a mother is the caregiver vs. father is just a babysitter type of thing. But I agree with the general point that society needs to stop putting dads on pedestals for simply parenting like moms have been doing all along. Thankfully I have an awesome partner who is a fantastic father to our son and helps me so much each and every day. 

Post # 60
Member
6429 posts
Bee Keeper

Overjoyed :  I’m a mom and a grandma- and also ran a licensed home daycare for a decade when my own kids were young- so I’m really experienced with kids. And for hosting kids/ families etc. And from what you describe, you did absolutely nothing wrong- your guest seems to belong to that unfortunate mindset of parents who bring their kids to an event and then don’t keep an eye on them and who don’t teach them social skills/ manners. “One found a pair of sunglasses in my dresser drawer and nearly broke them” Wth?!? What on earth were they doing in your dresser drawers!?!? Either the child was too young to be unsupervised or old enough to know you don’t go through other people’s things, either way this isn’t okay. Not a fan of parents who abdicate responsibility for their offspring at the door. 

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