When you visit friends for a weekend would you bring your toddlers?

posted 7 days ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1928 posts
Buzzing bee

llevinso :  Sounds like you and Darling Husband make a great team. That’s awesome. And yeah, few days in a row solo is difficult. Something more than an overnight would require serious consideration between me and Darling Husband (if not work necessity). As a side point, per OP latest update sounds like her friend is getting an unfair share working full time and taking on most of housework, childcare and night wakings and was looking forward to a break. Her Darling Husband sounds like an ass. 

Post # 62
Member
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

solnishko1186 :  Yes that is unfortunate that it sounds like her husband doesn’t help out much. I have friends in similar situations and I don’t know how they do it because I would honestly be lost without my husband’s help. Maybe while they’re visiting she could still get some “time off” and go out with OP for a spa day or something. 

Post # 63
Member
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

edobbs87 :  OP I just wanted to point out that many breweries are super family friendly nowadays! My husband and I are craft beer people and have carted our son along with us to several! Do you mind if I ask where you are located?

Post # 64
Member
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Your issue was that your invitation was way too vague. In your friend’s place I would not have made the assumption that you intended to invite the entire family. I’d have said something like, I’d love to, but it’s going be be awhile before I’m comfortable leaving the babies for a long weekend. Then, you could have either said  “too bad, but I understand” or “of course you are all invited.” 

Either way, I would have stayed in a hotel. The only people we stayed with overnight at that stage were parents and siblings. 

 

Post # 66
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

solnishko1186 :  There are plenty of sahm with multiple kids, parents of multiples, parents who’s spouses are deployed. She is not going for a month. I️ feel like a weekend away is completely reasonable for dad to handle on his own with 2 kids. 

Very true! And to be fair I was basing my assumption that it might be too much on my own attempts at babysitting them for long periods at that age 😂 (And just to clarify – I didn’t mean it would be too much for the dad specifically, I just meant either parent. My BIL’s didn’t leave my sisters at home with the kids for full weekends at that age either) 

Post # 67
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

edobbs87 :  I think its hard when you don’t have kids to understand why parents can’t seem to take some time away from the kids. As a person with no kids yet it is my nightmare to be that kind of parent. I want my future husband to be able to handle the kids for a weekend without me, seems fair if we are equal partners. I wouldn’t mind him going away for the weekend leaving me with the kids occasionally either. But that is just me, I want a family lifestyle where I get to go do things without the kids sometimes, where I can take off for a week long anniversary vacation with just me and my partner. 

Sadly the majority of people with kids don’t feel for whatever reason that they can separate themselves from their kids. Heck even some couples with no kids can’t deal with doing anything with friends without their partner even! I find it really dumb but there isn’t anything you can do about another couples choice on this. I wouldn’t be that kind of parent but looks like your friends are that way. You would think they would love to get away for the weekend and have a couples only mini vacay! 

Next time if you invite them, phrase it as a couples only getaway. Or schedule activities for that getaway that obviously can’t include kids like going to a vineyard? Then if they ask if the kids can come say something like, we were thinking of it as a couples only weekend, does that work for you? If they have to bring their kids now you know they are just those types of parents and that everytime you invite them the kids are included. 

Post # 68
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

sf618 :  Yikes that is a bit mean. There is a middle ground here. Friends like her aren’t the worst. You can say parents like them are the worst. It is a two way street. Parents love to rub in single or childless people’s faces how much their life now has so much meaning and fulfillment now that they have kids. Which obviously is a dig to single people or people with no kids. Single people or childless couples rub in the fact that they can go do whatever they want with freedom because they have no kids, that they are fulfilled from a great career and great vacations with no kids. Both sides can be sensitive to this. Having a kid doesn’t give you a lock on happiness and fullfillment. 

It takes negotiation and sensitivity on both sides. It is perfectly valid for a couple to want to spend one on one time with another couple, blow off some steam, enjoy uninterrupted adult conversations with some drinks. Reconnect as friends. Nothing about that should be offensive to the couple with kids. My best friend had a kid and I missed the days when her and I could just talk for hours without interruptions. It was hard to maintain a connection with someone who is always half talking to you and half talking to a child. 

Post # 69
Member
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

edobbs87 :  Asheville?!?! Take them to Sierra Nevada! We went there last summer while I was pregnant and my friends brought their 2 year old. It was great! They have an awesome restaurant, beautiful grounds, an ice cream truck…there were so many kids there. 

Post # 71
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha : 

{Guy gets invited to his friend’s house for a few days. Or a golfing weekend. Or camping, fishing etc}

“Can I bring the wife and kids?” 

I don’t think we’d be having this conversation if a dad went away for a few days. 

 

hahah omg that is so true!!! When you put it that way it is so obvious there is a double standard here. A guy would totally assume kids aren’t invited and would want the break. A woman would try to bring the whole family. Hilarious and sad but true!!  

Post # 72
Member
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ladyjane123 :  “You would think they would love to get away for the weekend and have a couples only mini vacay! “

Maybe they would rather save up the babysitting favors for a solo couples vacation trip of their own choosing. And not every couple can leave their children overnight with family. We were fortunate that we could but even so I don’t think I would prioritize a long weekend like that over a get away with my husband. 

Post # 73
Member
9574 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you just said “hey X, would you like to come visit me this weekend?” (which it sounds like you did) Then I would probably assume that either my family (husband and kids) are invited or I would clarify (which it sounds like she did by asking you).  Honestly I would clarify if I was your friend by asking what type of weekend you had in mind.  But it’s way easier on everyone if you are clear in the beginning. If you want a couples only weekend or girls only weekend own up and tell her you don’t know if you can fit them all and you were hoping for a kids free weekend and you’re sorry you didn’t make it clear.  In the future, if you want your friend to visit alone you should clarify up front by asking if she wants to have a kid-free girls weekend or couples weekend if it involved that and adult activities. Sounds just like a lesson learned for the future. I’m sure you’ll have fun!

I did leave my almost 1 year old (and my 3.5 year old) with my parents for a 6 night vacation but it required a LOT of frozen milk (and I had an oversupply early on so I had a lot).  You can’t necessarily just pump that week before and leave 100oz for your husband.  I pumped hundreds of ounces over weeks/months early on.  I wouldn’t have left my 1 year old regularly for more than a night because I have to pump when I am away. Many women don’t have frozen milk so they really can’t be separated while breastfeeding until the kid is more of a toddler than still a baby (like my second is now 18mo and though he still breastfeeds before bed and overnight he doesn’t require it and can go without for an night.  A 12-13mo old is still in a grey area IMO).  Do the dad’s parents regularly watch the kids alone?  Just because family lives nearby doesn’t mean the parents would trust them to watch their kids overnight.  So, there may be many reasons parents choose or don’t choose to leave their kids overnight.  Dad should be able to watch the kids for a weekend, so if it were me it would really depend on if I would feel comfortable leaving the 1 year old re: breastfeeding. I never provided formula to my children so breastfeeding can definitely limit things.

Post # 74
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

You made a mistake when you didn’t frame it as a “kid free” visit from the start. Next time you would like to visit as adults only, a simple “how about a break from the mom life and come out to visit me for a weekend solo?” would be completely acceptable. There’s no guarantee she will want to be away from her kids to visit you, but don’t take it personal. Different parents have different preferences when it comes to this topic. 

After I had a baby, I considered every invitation by default to include my son. Now he’s a bit older, when I am invited to do things, if it isn’t abundantly clear, I ask if kids are included or not. I’ll make a decision whether to accept or decline and that will be that. 

I would have absolutely declined a kid-free weekend when my son was that age, and I’d probably still decline now that he’s almost six. I don’t WANT or NEED a break from parenting, so if I had an extra few days to get away, it would be WITH him and his dad. Life’s busy and we spend enough time away from each other every week with work and school that I don’t NEED more time away. 

Having friends with kids before you have kids changes the dynamic of the friendship. I was the last girl from my group to have kids. The bond us girls all shared was still there, but the frequency that we saw each other went way down, and that’s ok. It’s life. 

Post # 75
Member
1928 posts
Buzzing bee

daisy123 :  I️ completely understand re wanting to spend limited opportunities for vacations with kids and family. However in the last update OP indicated that her friend was looking forward to that break kids free as she does most of all childcare (including night wake ups) alone and her husband doesn’t help. So it sounds like she wanted and needed a break but her husband is pretty useless in childcare department. 

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