(Closed) When your best friend is dating a jerk… :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That is tough. 
From experience, it is usually up to the person to see it for themselves.

Maybe you can bring it up in convo with her like “Man my cousin is dating such a douche bag. The other night he made her wait 2 hours for him… he did this and that to her and she is just so dang pretty” 

You know so she kind of gets the hint 

Post # 4
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I just went through this myself.  It’s tough, there’s no doubt about it!  I got so tired of hearing about this guy that I finally told her that we could talk about anything EXCEPT him.  I’d reached my limit, and if she wasn’t goint to do anything about it then I didn’t want to be involved in the conversation.  Sure she was mad and it sucked for a little while, but she finally came around on her own.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have a friend like this, but even she admits that he treats her like crap, but the sex is good and he’s kinda crazy, and she hates being alone, so she puts up with it. Seriously??? I don’t hold my tongue anymore, and I already told her that she can’t bring him around me anymore, or I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. I’ll be damned if I’m going to hold back about this piece of shit, and hubs feels the same way. So, we hang out with her, without him. And anytime his name comes up, we remind her of all the ridiculous ways he is a piece of shit. I really don’t care if its right or wrong, because eventually, she’ll do something about it. She never has anything nice to say about him, so I tell her to either not bring him up, or she’s going to hear shit from me. And we are definitely not the only people who say these things to her

Post # 6
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m going through the same thing right now. They’ve been together on and off for about 3-4 years now. He’s EXTEMELY immature, and ALWAYS butting in during our girl time. We went to the beach a few weeks ago and he came screeching through the parking lot while we were getting in the car getting ready to leave. They started arguing (she was screaming at him) in the parking lot and I was so embarassed but really glad she told him off. So he went screeching out of the parking lot and I drove her back to his place (she stays there often) and explained to her how embarassed I was and how embarassed she should be as well and how ashamed he should be.

They’re still together :-/ but the last time we hunf out, we didn’t hear a peep from him. We were both pretty surpruised 😀 She doesn’t doesn’t understand that she deserves so much more and I don’t know how else I can get it through to her.

It’s hard to sit back and watch but it’s pretty much the only thing you can do. Go ahead and be honest, but continue to be there for her. Soon enough *hopefully* she and my friend will learn that these losers are not what they deserve.

Post # 7
Member
6512 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Frankly, I don’t think you can’t do anything about it.  I was in a relationship with a loser for 4.5 years (end of high school and all of college) and my best friend made no bones about not liking him, especially as I matured and he didn’t, at all.  She even told me, point blank, that if we got married she wouldn’t come to the wedding.  Not be in, but come!  Let me tell you, when I finally started realizing that he was BS, knowing that made all the difference in how I approached it.  This girl is my best best friend, and I couldn’t imagine getting married without her there.  It was also incredibly helpful to know I had someone to talk to about how unhappy I was.  At that point, I was worried that breaking up after so long would be a “failure,” and she helped me realized that the true failure would be to stay with a stagnant, wack man-child.  After a couple of months of talking to her more regularly, I broke up with him, and it was one of the best choices I’ve ever made.  Now I’m engaged to the love of my life, and that same best friend is my Maid/Matron of Honor, because she sees how happy we are and approves of him as a man that is truly worthy of me. 

So I say be honest with her.  Don’t harp on it, of course, but if her unhappiness or his d-bagginess comes up, tell her she’s worth more, and why. 

Post # 8
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I know that it goes against the grain of what most people think these days but I have been your friend.

Something that made a huge difference was my sister. I had lots of friends that were “supportive” and would listen to me… awwww sorry sweetie… etc, but she made the biggest difference.

One day when she and I were talking, and of course I was complaining she very plainly told me that She didn’t want to hear it anymore… that I either needed to leave b/c he was not good to me or that I needed to stay and be happy with my choice and stop complaining.

It still took awhile for me to finally leave, given I had my son with him already, but I can honestly say that out of all the friends I had at the time she loved me the most and helped me come to the realization of leaving him.

Having a platform to be honest is part of what being a good friend is… I expect my friends to tell me things I’m not always going to like b/c they love me and want good/better things for me… it’s not always easy and at that time my sis and I didn’t talk as much, BUT I’m so thankfully that she took that step and challenged me when everyone else was just playing up my “victim” status.

Just be honest w/ your friend… you can talk about your concerns and still be respectful about her bf (no “jerk” “a*hole” etc calling)

Goodluck and hope your friend gets out of that relationship sooner rather than later 😉

Post # 9
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’ve been there so I know exactly what it feels like.  My best friend was engaged to the guy and everyone in her family hated him.  It’s a very difficult position to be in as a friend.  I would just listen and give advice where needed but she had to see it on her own.  What I found in this case is that the more people hated him the more she clung to him and felt the need to defend him.  So they were actually pushing her towards him instead of away.  She finally came around but it took years.  All you can do is listen and be a friend.  Best wishes.

Post # 10
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I feel for you! I’m currently in the same boat.. a boat that I wish would have sank about 2.5 years ago! One of my best friends is with an older man who started out on my good side. treating her like she should be treated and then it all went to shit. He gets drunk and talks down to her, to the point where she is so insecure now she feels like nbody will want her if she gets out of the relationship. I try to tell her how beautiful she really is but she won’t have it. She watches his kid on the weekends he has her while he’s out partying, gets random texts from ‘guy’ names in his phone late at night with winky faces.. There’s so many things.

I’ve listened and gave advice a trillion+ times but until she’s ready to get out of the relationship herself it’s really useless. I’m there for her as a friend but trying to make her see the truth when she shes only what she wants to she is near impossible.

Good luck with your friend :/ All you can do from my experience is be there for her as her shoulder and hope she gets rid of the jerk!

Post # 11
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think a lot of people don’t go know how to go about ending something thats bad and also can’t adjust to single life. 

If she has ever expressed an ounce of not wanting to go on with it (other than complaining), jump in and start helping her with ways to hit the road! if she needs a place to stay cause she lives with him, offer her a couch or a room at your place or a family member. Make plans with her and keep her busy.

Since he is 30 and in house, I guess the only person who can tell him wrong is mommy! otherwise I would tell him myself what I think about him and the relationship.

Post # 12
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have a friend like this… Now they are married… It makes me sad that she settled to be treated like that, but it was her choice. We didnt talk for about a year because whenever we had a girls night he was there,and I just couldnt take wtching her be treated like that. We are friends and I love her to death, but she is never going to see if she doesnt want to.. Its hard especially when you know how awesome she is and you want her to be treated like she should be, but at the end of the day she may get defensive. She needs to realize herself that he isnt the guy for her!!

Post # 15
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@TinyTina:Oh nooooo. I wouldn’t even respond. If she gets huffy or asks why you didn’t congratulate, I would be honest.

Post # 16
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

Shoot, I hate to hear that so many people have had to deal with this!  My DH’s best friend is about to marry the girl that treats him horribly (in just about a month actually), and it is really hard to deal with that.  My poor Husband is very upset that his best friend is marrying somebody that doesn’t respect him, or support him (he is a very talented musician but she does not like him to play his music!)…but what can you do?  Ultimately people make these decisions on their own…

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