(Closed) When your boyfriend keeps old girlfriends’ photos…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

ask yourself this question….do you keep anything from the past relatioship in your walllet?  If you did -why? if not- why not? this will answer your question.  Go with your gut girl.

 

Post # 3
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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bellebee7280:  

I ‘ve brought it up, but it was dismissed as not really my business as I don’t live in the house, and that he shouldnt have to let go of his life before me. … how do i convey that it upsets me?

 

Hmm this doesn’t sit right with me.

Didn’t you already convey that it upsets you, when you brought it up?  To what extent did you bring it up with him?

The bottom line is that sometimes people have photos lying around and they never look at them.

Other times people have photos lying around because they want to look at them and hang on to the past.

 

It really depends on which camp your BF falls into.

I have a few pics of old BFs lying around in boxes somewhere and I never look at them because it’s history.

If DH asked me to get rid of them I would get rid of them without hesitation because he is more important to me than paper evidence of dead relationships. I have my memories and that’s enough.

 

Post # 5
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It would make me uncomfortable as well so your not alone there, sounds a bit weird seeing as you have been together for over a year you would think he would have gotten over it by now. 

I remember when I first started dating my partner he found a photo of me with my ex behind some books on a book shelf and was not happy 😀 but I just had completly forgotten it was there and told him that and removed the photo. So maybe he has just been lazy and not bothered to get rid of the photos? But after so long its hard to believe thats the case.

I would confront him about it, the issue shouldnt really be turned into you were snooping and if it is I would take that as being defensive and there being a problem. Just say youve seen things laying around every now and then and it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesnt understand that then you have a bit of a problem because I’m sure he wouldnt like to see photos and notes of you and another love interest randomly, it would make anyone uncomfortabl.

Post # 6
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Meh everyone has a past, I have all kinds of things have kept through out my dating life.  (I married in my late 30’s) It so isn’t a huge deal and I think if you make it a big deal then it shows your immaturity.  It is just little things to remind me of the good times with those boyfriends it means nothing to me other than yep they are in my past.  Just let it go

Post # 7
Member
3869 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If he doesn’t care that it bothers you, I’d rethink the relationship. Decide what is and is not okay for you and go from there. You can’t control what he does, only what you do.

Post # 9
Member
9109 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bellebee7280:  I’ve been with my husband over 20 years but I still have photos, notes, and mementos from my very first boyfriend up through a guy I was seeing when I started dating my husband. Just like I have photos, notes, and mementos of girlfriends from elementary school up until present. I’m a packrat and I keep things that made me feel special or remind me of a fun time in my life. It doesn’t mean I want to go back to that time or that I’m still in love with someone (or ever was). My husband knows I have all this crap and the only time he ever complains is when he has to lug the boxes around during a move. He’s not threatened by any of it. I’m with him because I love him. If they’re not nude photos or otherwise inappropriate stuff, and if he doesn’t have a shrine set up for them, I don’t see the harm.

Post # 10
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like after a year and a half you should be in a place where you can talk to him and tell him that this bothers you.

But I have to wonder, how much did you snoop? I mean, you went through his wallet? if the stuff is out in the open then I think you can bring it up. if not, then I guess you’re stuck unless you can admit you snooped.

Post # 12
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

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bellebee7280:  Yeah I think it upsets you because you’re younger and have less dating experience than he does but also because you seem to have other misgivings about the relationship (in regards to the long-distance girl). 

This is the kind of thing that totally would have bothered me in my teen years but not now. My Fiance is 31 and I’m 28 and we each have small boxes of “Ex stuff” that we wanted to keep. I know he has pics of his ex when they were on crazy roadtrips, I have old love letters and some pictures, one ex painted a portrait of me which is lovely and I don’t have it displayed but I do have it nicely wrapped and packed away in our apartment, etc. It’s just part of the past and who we used to be. We both feel like our relationship is SOOO much more grown up, established, and serious than anything before it that it’s not threatening at all to have a few trinkets of our silly past relationships. I think the only thing that would bother me that you mentioned are nude pictures.

I think he should keep the other stuff but he should be able to compromise and, say, put it in a box in the attic or something so you don’t randomly run into pics of him with other women. 

Post # 14
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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bellebee7280:  

I’m sifting through your post some more and I caught the part about the love notes.

The photos wouldn’t bother me as much. “I love you” notes would DEFINITELY bother me.

And, he has a card in his wallet with her address on it that says “I love you?”

?!?!   

If this is just junk lying around that he never got around to throwing out,  I wouldn’t place too much importance on it. But I would let him know I didn’t want it lying around and let him connect the dots and hope that he would throw it out.

DH and I did not live together before getting married. After the wedding I was in his/our house (where he had lived as a single for a number of years) and one day stumbled on an old yellowed list of phone numbers including the name and number of his ex-girlfriend. I cringed but I didn’t say anything to him and as far as I know, that list is probably still floating around somewhere in the house.

I do understand your feelings about finding “I love you” notes. If he’s involved with you to the point that you’re in the house 40% of the time, those need to go in the trash!

Go easy on him though. If he’s a packrat by nature, then him having the notes is not a reflection on you or on the ex, but rather on his tendency to let things pile up. 

 

Oh and my advice would be to NOT worry about seeming insecure or controlling. I think there is way too much emphasis on being the “cool” girlfriend who smothers her feelings and thinks everything is great, lol.  Do speak up if something is bothering you. Just do it nicely.

Post # 15
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

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bellebee7280:  haha okay. Well, you can use that and say something like “it makes me really uncomfortable when I come across things from your past relationships. like the card in your wallet, or the photo on the floor of your room.” and then you could ask him if there’s any way he could put all these in a box or something.

I just feel like you should be able to talk to him and I feel like this is pretty reasonable. I can’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable.

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