Post # 1
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
Has anyone navigated a sticky situation with blending friends groups? Backstory is that my ‘sister from another mister’, my very dearest and closest friend for 12 years and counting, has finally found someone that she wants to share her life with after dating a few… interesting… individuals over the past few years. To keep it simple, I’ll be referring to my best friend as Bestie, my fiance as Fiance (so creative), and my best friend’s boyfriend as C.
C is a couple of years younger than Bestie is (we’re both late 20’s, Fiance is in his early 30’s) and they dated long-distance for the first year of their relationship so we did not meet until a few months ago when C and Bestie moved in together in the next city over. Fiance is a naturally quiet and introverted person in most social group settings, and C is basically his polar opposite. I could describe C as a teenager mixed with a puppy – the few times we’ve all been out together, C has proceeded to dominate most of the group conversation by continual loud proclamations of his infinite wealth of young adult wisdom, drink himself into a stupor, wolf down very large portions of food so quickly he’s almost immediately in the restroom for extended periods of time, and then either pass out or just keep getting louder and more “on”. Bestie has gotten embarrassed a couple of times by this behaviour as it happened when we were out at a nicer place for a low-key night, and another time when Fiance and I brought over dinner to share with them and another couple to celebrate their moving in together (thankfully it was a smaller gathering as most of the food ended up gorged by C and then in the toilet within fifteen minutes). All this being said, at his age I wasn’t exactly a shining example of someone I’d choose to hang out with now, having calmed down considerably. Bestie contributes much of this to C’s being shy and homesick in a new country (although he’d lived here for almost two years prior to them meeting) and to wanting to build up a group of friends similar to the ones he left at home. I love Bestie dearly and want her to be happy with whomever she chooses, and we would both love to be able to successfully hang out as a foursome, where both Fiance and C enjoy themselves and can have conversations without us. (Fiance and Bestie get along very well for the record, with or without me there). I truly wish there was a simple way to communicate that Fiance and I would be much more enthusiastic about getting together for double dates if it doesn’t turn into one person in full party mode at inappropriate times/locations and the other three sitting awkwardly during the aftermath of a feeding frenzy.
Fiance has always said he can’t imagine Bestie not being included in our wedding party and the various exciting parts of planning all that goes into weddings – he loves her and wants to include her partner – but I think he is apprehensive about C being “that guy” again…
If anyone has any similar situations they’ve encountered and wants to share, I’d love to hear them.
Post # 2
Member
5997 posts
Bee Keeper
Why doesnt anyone say anything to him in the moment?
“Whoa man, slow down, the rest of us want to eat too!”
That seems like a really odd reason to cut him out, but not everyone has to be “besties” with everyone.
Post # 3
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
Your fiance doesnt need to be friends with C, as long as he can be around him in group settings from time to time. C sounds ridiculous and I wouldn’t want to spend time around him either. I would also call him out on his behaviour. Unfortunately, you may have to tolerate him being around during wedding festivities for the sake of your friend.
Post # 4
Member
9445 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
We rarely like some of my friends partners. It ends up working out because the relationships always fail so the problem solves itself.
Post # 5
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
Well, you have three options here.
1) You have a heart to heart with Bestie, and Bestie communicates to C that his behavior in social situations is embarrassing. He either fixes it or he doesn’t. Fixing it might need to include therapy, as eating so much so fast that he pukes seems to be an issue.
2) You and Fiance communicate to C that he needs to stop drinking or slow down eating while you’re in the moment. If it comes down to being “those people” or not having Bestie involved in your life and wedding? I’d be “those people”. Speak up.
3) You stop spending time with Bestie and C with your Fiancé included (or at all). I can see why C’s behavior is obnoxious. I wouldn’t want to spend time around him at all.
I’m super outspoken, so especially if I noticed Bestie being embarrassed, I would flat out grab that guy’s fork from him and tell him he needs to stop eating until he pukes, because it’s disgusting and an issue. I’d dump his drink in the bushes and tell him he’s acting like a drunk asshole. If it saved my relationship with my Bestie, it would be worth it to shame the shit out of him until he learned.
If Bestie had a problem with me being mean to C, I’d tell Bestie that I will only be doing one on one activities with her so I could avoid C all together. Then wait for the relationship to run it’s course.
Post # 6
Member
2460 posts
Buzzing bee
annabanana89 : It sounds like your bestie is well aware that C is a total disaster when you guys hang out, has she not spoken to him about this?
My husband has overdone it once or twice (as have I throughout the years), and I told him he needs to get his shit together and not get sloppy drunk again. He listened, he understood, and we both make a point to get nice buzz but not take it TOO far to the point that we’re making people uncomfortable or embarassing ourselves.
Have an honest talk with your bestie, let her know it’s goign to be hard to keep hanging out when C is constantly over doing it.
Post # 7
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
Well…welcome to the world of adult friendships and mixed social groups! Maybe it’s just me, but “besties” isn’t really a thing after your twenties anyway. You’ll be alright.
Post # 8
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
jellybellynelly : I’m probably overthinking but just don’t want it to come off as too harsh or bullying as my fiance and I are both pretty dedicated to fitness and eating well/keeping fit, whereas Bestie and C are not.
rak32098 : Thank you for this. Many of my close friends are best described as “gongshows” so I don’t really care too, too much for the most part… Except for asking my fiance to dedicate portions of his limited time off to hanging out around someone like C.
slomotion : That’s along the lines of what I’m thinking. She really seems to like him, so I hope he makes more effort to make her happy.
bouviebee : I appreciate your responses. I’ve been kind of trying to tiptoe around not coming off as too judgemental over his eating habits as our lifestyle priorities are pretty drastically different, and I don’t want to be the judgy pushy gym rat. I have no issue being outspoken when a stranger is speaking to my friends or family, but for the most part have never really had an issue like this come up. (also Too Much Information it’s not puking, it’s the other end). They’re attending our engagement party in March so Bestie and I are going to try to plan a night for the four of us to hang out in a similar environment as a test run to see if C has gotten better over the last couple of months since we’ve seen him, and if it happens again I will be saying something as I don’t want to be embarrassed in front of the rest of our friends and family.
Post # 9
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
futuremrs2020 : She’s mentioned aspects that bother her, but she also kind of rationalizes as everyone has their quirks and things that bother other people. I just don’t think she’s looking at it as objectively as she could. I know she’s previously talked to him about the specific bathroom issues but I’m not sure how direct of a conversation it was.
madamesuperstarmcawesomeville : I know it’s a cringey and immature word, just something I’ve used to keep context simple in this post. While it would be nice for my fiance and C to be able to consider each other friends – simply for C building up a supportive social network while continuing to settle in a new country – I’m not blindly optimistically expecting them to be as close as my best friend and I are after over a decade of friendship.
Post # 10
Member
3157 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
They don’t need to be friends or hang out with each other. Can’t your friend see you without C around? I mean I love Dh and all, but the vast majority of the time that I’m hanging out with my friends, he’s not invited.
In any case, I think as long as they tolerate each other, that’s really all you can ask of your fiance.
As for C, your friend knows who she’s dating and how he behaves. I don’t think there’s much you can open her eyes to in that department.
Post # 11
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
MiniMeow : My best friend and I go out for frequent girls nights on our own, we’re just both thinking it would be nice to be able to go on double dates and have everyone enjoy the time out as well. My fiance isn’t a dick and is civil to C when we all see each other, but he’s worried about him acting like a fool again at our engagement party/wedding and it reflecting badly on who he chooses to include in his social circle. I just wish C acted 24 instead of 2, is all.
Post # 12
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Why are you forcing them to be friends? Partner’s do not need to be friend’s with their SO’s “besties” partner. Let C build up his own friendship group.
And honestly you do sound judgemental especially around the food issue. Who made you this guy’s doctor? He could have anxiety for all you know or just prefer to live his life how he wants but go ahead and pass judgement because he isn’t living life just like you would.
I would back off now before you damage your friendship.
Post # 13
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
From what you’ve described he sounds kind of annoying but there’s nothing too egregious he’s done. I think you and your fiancé will just have to deal with him as best you can. The two of them don’t have to be best friends, and that’s ok, you don’t have to like everyone you interact with.
Post # 14
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME
annabanana89 : It seems weird to me for judging someone for eating and then needing to use the bathroom. The getting too drunk and boisterous is definitely a valid point to be concerned, but I would cut him some slack until you get to know him more. I know a lot of people who are shy, insecure, lonely, or looking to fit in can act in ways that they normally wouldn’t because they’re uncomfortable. Depending on where he’s from originally, 2 years isn’t that long to totally shift your culture, and he’s in a new town, new home, and fairly new country without close friends.
Just be patient, trust that your best friend likely surrounds herself with similar people and if she likes both of you, I’m sure there’s similarities there you just haven’t found yet.
Post # 15
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
j_jaye : No one’s forcing anyone to do anything, and I would never claim to be a doctor, but it’s fairly obvious that frequently stuffing down huge portions in the span of a few minutes and then immediately retreating to the bathroom for extended periods of time is unhealthy no matter how you look at it and I worry for him. I’m just saying it would be nice to all be able to enjoy time spent together as my best friend is a huge part of my life and I don’t want to exclude and alienate either of our partners.
wonderwedding : I know, I’m more or less just venting and looking to see if anyone is dealing with anything similar and has stories to share of how things worked out.
Member