Post # 1
My hubby, God bless him, is a wonderful man and I worship the ground he walks on. He, however, doesn’t have a romantic bone is his body. He was raised in a household that was uncomfortable with any outward displays of affection. His mother is very practical, and prefers to do things herself instead of having someone else plan or do them for her. His step-dad is a very serious, quiet type that doesn’t talk about anything other than sports. They seem very happy together, but I have never seen them be affectionate or romantic in any way. It just isn’t their style.
My husband has obviously grown up this way, and it differs greatly from the home I was raised in. My parents are very openly affectionate. They hold hands, hug, kiss, and buy each other little thoughtful gifts quite often to show that they’ve been thinking of each other.
Therefore, I can’t really blame my hubby for being clueless when it comes to the romance department. He quite honestly just doesn’t understand the need for it, and thinks a lot of it is “cheesy”, “unmanly”, or “embarassing”. I’ve spend countless hours explaining to him that I feel like I need more romantic attention. I love surprizes, and told him once that I would be so touched if he would plan a date night for us, and not tell me. He would just say he was taking me out and it was a surprize. That conversation occured 2 years ago. Never happened. I told him I’d love it if he’d leave a little love note here and there every once in a while, and he looked completely bewildered as to why anyone would want that. He tells me he loves me all the time, but sometimes the differences in our love languages is so blatantly obvious that it leaves me feeling a little sad and disappointed.
It doesn’t help that my best friend is married to a man who goes above-and-beyond to woo her. He showers her with love and affection and is constantly posting pictures of her on social media saying how beautiful she is, and what a lucky man he is to have her. I know my husband isn’t into the whole social media thing, and I’m not asking for him to do anything like that, but a little more attention day-to-day would be nice.
I realize I can’t change him, and I do love him regardless. Should I just suck it up and accept that he will always be clueless in the regard? Or is there another way I could possibly get through to him about how important it is to me to still feel like we’re dating, even though we’re married. Have any of you bees out there dealt with something similar?
Post # 2
Grafton86: My husband is clueless too. He brought me flowers on my birthday and I almost fell out of my chair. His idea of trying to put the moves on me is to ask if I want to get in bed. He didn’t even give me a card on Valentine’s day. He’s already said “so we don’t have to celebrate our dating anniversary anymore, right?” Before he proposed he said, “well now I’m going to propose to you” and then asked
Lol. That said, like yours, he’s a great husband. He works hard, loves me, loves his family, treats me well. He’s just so not romantic. I’ve come to accept though I will admit there’s still that little sliver of hope that hopes one day…..
Post # 3
weatherbug: Your proposal story gave me a chuckle. It sounds like we are married to very similar men. Very good men, and excellent husbands, just not super romantic. I guess there are worse problems, but I just can’t help but think most women out there like a little romantic attention every once in a while. If my husband came home with flowers, I’d probably faint! lol
Post # 4
Grafton86: I don’t think you can ask someone to change their personality for you. Unfortunately if you wanted a romantic guy then you should of married a romantic guy.
His way of being a good partner differs from your way. Both ways are valid but you do both have to accept the differences.
Post # 5
Grafton86: I’d take the initiative. Start instigating the romance. You plan the surprise date night. Buy some pretty lingerie and candles for a surprise. Leave him a little love note where he’ll find it by accident, like his wallet. Woo him, but don’t go way overboard with it, or put any pressure on him to immediately reciprocate or be anything other than himself. See how he responds. Maybe if you get him comfortable with overt romantic gestures in general, he’ll eventually start to reciprocate after awhile?
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2016 - Akron, OH
Grafton86: It’s not even that hard to ask for what you want out of the marriage, don’t think it’s too late. It’s not like you’re trying to change his personality — you just want to be wined and dined am I right? Nothing wrong with that. My guy isn’t always the most romantic either, but he does it for me because he knows it makes me happy. No harm in asking if he could bring you flowers once a month. Let him know what your romantic expectations are and let him know what you’re willing to give in return, I’m sure he’ll come around to the idea (:
Post # 7
I’m very practical by nature, so I was pleasantly surprised that Fiance is more touchy feely romantic. It sounds like your guy is just not familiar with that romantic stuff and maybe finds it awkward, so you could lead by example. Maybe he’ll be way into it.
As for your friend with the partner who plasters social media with his love for her, it seems sweet, but I sometimes wonder if those types of people who make it so public are actually compensating for something else. You’re lucky to have a good guy even if he’s not the most romantic!
Post # 8
Bridey77: took the words out of my mouth!
Just because he hasn’t seen romance at home doesn’t mean he is incapable of being romantic. He just needs to know what to do. Perhaps you can lead him into it by saying “xyz would be a huge turn on. I think That if something like that were to happen, there would be a very handsome reward.” I mean, if he were to do something romantic, it would almost be like a new man, and that would have to heat things up a bit in bed 😉
Men are simple. Show him what works for you, and let him know it will improve your lives. Start slow and don’t expect too much, but make sure you follow through on your end too. Guys remember those things, and what gets them those things.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Post # 9
I think it’s really unfair for you to call him “clueless.” He knows what romance is, and it isn’t him. He’s no more clueless about romance than you are about stoicism.
I think you should ask him what are his ways of showing love. Chances are, he’s got his own little lovely ways and you’re just not recognizing them for what they are. Also you can consider planning together some romantic activities like a weekend getaway or a candlelight dinner.
Post # 10
Grafton86: Same deal here lady. I understand your pain. maybe we should mail each other love notes? He’s not a touchy-feely kind of guy unless he’s wanting to have sex. His proposal was while we were in bed about to go to sleep in the dark. So I had to actually get up and turn on the light to see the ring on my finger. The words he used to propose were, “So will you marry me and stuff…?” He’s a sweet man, is good to me, and we’re best friends. It’s just the way it is I guess! 🙂
Post # 11
My SO is just like your hubby however his sister has divulged his father was the opposite. Now I feel like he saw his father as weak since his mother rarely shows affection and maybe that made his father seem like he chased after his mom? But I digress.
SO has never and will probably never buy me flowers since “they die and are a waste of money” just like greeting cards that “just go in the garbage”.
He knows that when I tell him such and such a day is date night he has to take care of it. Sometimes it means going to a wing place and watching the game and occasionally it means something a little fancy or fun like bowling/a movie. It’s been 3 years and he still whines about date night like a 5 year old being told to put away his video game lol
SO isn’t affectionate so I will ask for 2 mins of cuddle time or to hold hands… if I feel I want or need a little loving I just ask. SOs idea of making a move is usually hey wanna do it?
I’m getting used to it and pick up on his ways of showing love like when he does the dishes randomly or pats my leg. It’s not what I’m used to in a man but it works for us.
Post # 12
Grafton86: this is my situation almost exactly! It’s fine and all, I honestly accept it. he’ll try and it turns into such a failure it becomes comical. Like our 1 yr dating anniversary. He came home with a little thing of flowers saying “i got you a surprise” as he walked in the door. I said “you shouldnt have!!” and was so excited he remembered. until he said “I didnt. They were the centerpiece at the luncheon.”
But what kills me is that I accept how he is… And then he pulled off such a sweet surprising proposal. Like he’s been saving 2+ years of romance for that moment. No telling when I see that side again.
Post # 13
weatherbug: haha totally my Fiance. His line is “bed time?” Or a variation of that. He also said now that we’re engaged we don’t have to celebrate our anniversary this year…… Thanks, honey
Post # 14
Grafton86: Sounds like there are a lot of unromantic men out there, mine included! Funny thing is I think he thinks he’s romantic. Lol! Nope. I miss it, too, but he’s a good guy so oh well. :-/