(Closed) When your husband is too practical for romance

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
11520 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Grafton86:  Mine’s pretty clueless – he grew up in a siliar home life to yours.  I’ve made a point of making a big deal out of the things he DOES do that are romantic.  Positive reinforcement!

It took him 9 years to bring me flowers, and when he did – they were free (there was a flower show at his workplace and everyone was allowed to bring home what was left) but hey, I’ll take it.

He saved all the cards I gave him when we were first dating, I didn’t know he did it but I found them in a drawer when we were moving.  I thought it was sweet.

I’ve learned that the way my Darling Husband is romantic isn’t the way I might like him to be romantic, but I recognize the gestures that he makes that are his way of showing affection.

Post # 17
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You knew who he was when you married him. Romance aside he sounds like a really good guy, count yourself blessed.

Post # 18
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Grafton86:  Read The Five Love Languages — and ask him to read it, too. Sounds like he’s probably an Acts of Service guy. So’s my fiance, which means that, for example, I never have to cook dinner (a huge blessing as I hate to cook), but he would never come home with flowers just because. I recommend you read the book because A) you’ll learn to better recognize how he is displaying his romantic love — and you’ll probably realize it’s way more often than you’d thought — and B) you’ll have the language and examples to communicate to him how you need him to step up his game.

Don’t be surprised if he needs you to do the same. Often we display love the way we want to receive it, so it might be an awkward transition for you both to work on displaying your love in new ways but it’s very rewarding to work on your relationship and end up feeling more loved! Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Grafton86:  I second cbgmtx: on BOTH of you reading the Five Love Languages. It seems like you might have at least perused it, but sometimes it actually takes reading the book for someone to realize that expressing love in a way their partner receives it best IS practical. 

My husband and I have the same secondary language, but different primary languages. I need to remind myself at least once a week to pay attention to what he needs and find ways to fulfill those needs every day because his love language doesn’t come naturally to me. I also make sure to thank him and acknowledge verbally when he does things that fulfill my love language because I know he’s put a lot of effort into it.

Post # 20
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

weatherbug:  At least he ASKED you to marry him!  LOL.  My Darling Husband proposed to me by holding the ring in his hand and waiting for me to look over and notice it.  When I did, I started crying and he said nothing!  I felt so weird that I just said “YES”.  I gave him heck later for not actually asking, so he woke me up the following morning by asking me….  I guess that’s slightly romantic? 🙂

OP, I don’t know the solution but I generally have to tell Darling Husband if I want him to do something nice for me.  Like telling him how I’d LOVE to have a bouquet of flowers similar to my bouquet for my birthday, resulting in him asking “what flowers were in it again?” and making note of that on his cell phone.  It sucks to have to spell it out like that, but there are much worse things!

Post # 21
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Grafton86:  

My husband also grew up in a very cold family. His parents never once told him that they loved him and there were rarely any hugs or kisses. My husband has come a long way because he doesn’t have the best social skills. I once had to explain to him why it wasn’t a good idea to bring me to a flower shop and have me choose my own flowers. My proposal was also disappointing but I chose to focus on marrying the man I loved. 

Now my husband is very romantic because he sees how happy it makes me. I receive “I love you” texts every single day even though I never expected that. We cuddle often and hold hands when we go out. As a mixed couple, we get a lot of stares and we deal with it by kissing passionately. Might as well give the ignorant gawkers something to look at! 

Be mindful of the fact that what you see on the outside of a relationship may not be the reality of it. You don’t know if your friend’s husband is reliable or a good man other than being outwardly romantic. I find it suspect when people constantly brag on social media about how much they love their spouses. Once in a while or on special occasions makes sense but frequent mushiness makes me think that the couple is overcompensating. 

If you have tried to discuss this with your husband and nothing has changed, you can either accept him for who he is or be more urgent in your requests. Have you told your husband how sad the lack of romantic attention makes you feel? Marriage and dating are two entirely different relationship stages that come with certain expectations. It is normal for couples to trade the romance of new love for calmer intimacy and comfort but that doesn’t mean that there should be no excitement and passion.  

Post # 22
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I too think that you should do for him what you want done for you. Perhaps he doesn’t understand how great a love note makes you feel because he’s never had one? Or doesn’t get just how awesome a surprise date is?

Post # 23
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Haha, he sounds like my husband too 🙂

My husband is an Acts of Service guy… he cooks for me every night (yay..I hate cooking), helps me clean the windows and do whatever is needed around the house, goes above and beyond to sort out practical stuff that needs doing, does all the financial research into the best savings accounts etc..  But he rarely tells me he loves me, would never write me a ‘romantic note’ in a million years and buys me practical gifts like ”new headphones” etc. He’s never bought me flowers. He’s a wonderful man though.

I find what works for me is to ask him specifically for something specific that I need – ie ”Honey, will you please give me a back massage?” , ”Honey, I would love if you would buy me a nice box of chocolates for valentine’s day’, ”Honey, could we go out for a nice meal this weekend to xyz restaurant on Saturday night?” He did buy me a lovely box of heart-shaped chocolates last Valentine’s day and I loved that… but I do have to mention those kinds of things to him a couple of weeks in advance, otherwise he wouldn’t think of it. 

I also have a friend who’s husband is constantly putting up photos of her on social media and going on about what a lucky guy he is, and bringing her flowers… But I also know that he spends every weekend sitting in front of his computer while she does all the cooking and cleaning. So.. is that really what you want? 🙂 Nobody’s perfect, so focus on the ways that he does show you that he loves you, and if you need something then be very specific about it, don’t expect him to pick up on hints.

Post # 24
Member
931 posts
Busy bee

It’s funny bc my SO is very romantic and I’m not.  i know he would like more romance from me but honestly it’s hard when it’s not natural and I tend to do a crap job of it when i try. 

i think the best way to up the romance if for you to romance him, and take pleasure in it. Instead of expecting it back, enjoy the pleasure you bring him by thoughtful acts. 

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