(Closed) When your parents won't be at your wedding…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My mom and Fiance don’t get along at all. You know how sometimes ppl just don’t mesh well? That’s them. so i know my moms not happy. She went through a phase of saying she wasn’t coming either. Basically was using any excuse ( I have a whole thread on it). Now she’s coming, but I have to say, it’s actually making me uncomfortable. We only invited our parents, so I can only imagine the tension during the reception and other wedding events (having a dw in Jamaica so we all will be together for a few days). A part of me wishes out parents weren’t coming. I have a great relationship with mymom, but I don’t feel like dealing with the drama. The day is supposed to be about US and diffusing drama is not part of my dream wedding. What I’m trying to say is maybe it’s for the best if family members that don’t support you stay away. That way, you can focus on your Fiance standing at the end of the aisle waiting for you, and not worrying about what mom/dad will do or say during he day to ruin you moment!

Post # 17
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My parents (and brother) didn’t attend my wedding because of their religious beliefs. It hurt, but it’s also part of growing up and accepting where you stand in other people’s lives, even your own parents. I was fortunate and had an uncle that still attended and walked me down the aisle and two beautiful sisters were my BMs.

Leading up to the day was worse than the actual day, that’s the only reassurance I can give anyone who faces this situation. If/when you get that RSVP back saying “Will not attend”, it’s a knife in the heart, but it heals. And the good thing is, on your actual wedding day, your heart will be so full of love for your Fiance, friends and family that are surrounding you, you genuinely won’t be sitting around thinking about those who aren’t there.

Post # 18
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Thank you for the replies girls.. Sarah Jo, lebonbon, yogahh and Tatjanafaith… It is good to chat to other people who have similar issues.  I am trying to toughen up and take the view that this is a very special occasion in my life that I will never get back or experience again so need to embrace it with happiness but at the same time is tinged with sadness. Close friends with happy family units just don’t understand. Its true that it is only about myself and husband to be and no one else should matter. I worry about bringing him down too and I know it hurts him when I have felt so low and cried about it..

My mum has constantly pushed me away with her drama and choses to stay loyal to a man (my father) who has never put her first, never worked properly throughout his life to support his family and yet always defends him no matter what. This is just the half of it. I just can’t believe he wouldn’t come to my wedding purely to make that sacrifice for my mum as he will know what its doing to her. But he doesn’t care. A very selfish man. He has shown up at all other family weddings which is why it hurts more. 

I have seriously considered cancelling the reception post-thailand but feel this would only affect me more in the long run and not only this, spoils the ongoing celebration that is ‘our marriage’.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  Emjay79.
Post # 19
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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LeBonbon:  Thank you that advice really helps… I like to think that ‘it will be alright on the night’ so to speak and that the thinking surrounding the situation is actually a lot worse!

Post # 20
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Emjay79:  Awww girl, ((big hug)). No easy answers when it comes to pleasing other people. 🙁

Post # 21
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have been though this. My parents were not at my wedding in August as I haven’t spoken to them in over a year. Honestly? On the day they weren’t missed. My mum is a really unpleasant woman and causes me a lot of stress and my dad just does whatever she tells him to do. I didn’t want them to be there and couldn’t imagine the hypocrisy (on both sides) of my dad walking me down the aisle or my mum helping me get ready, there is no way in the world any of us would have been comfortable with that now.

Your situation sounds different because it does sound like you want them there. What I can offer by way of insight is that I have been married before and my parents were there, our relationship was no better but for appearances sake we all went along with the traditional wedding roles. My mum came dress shopping, my dad walked me down the ailse and made a speech. Everyone was on their best behaviour but it was horrible. It felt so false and just all felt like a pretense when we all knew our relationship was pretty much non-existant. I cringed at my dad’s speech because it felt so fake and the whole thing was a big charade. I really really regretted not telling them to stay away.

This time I decided that the only people I wanted at my wedding were people who are genuinely and authentically part of mine and my husbands life and would only want good things for us. It felt like a massive relief not to have my parents there and I had the best day of my life with no regrets. On a practical basis, I got married on a beach so there was no aisle and I just walked myself down to the ceremony and I got ready with my friends and SIL’s who were my honorary bridemaids (I had no official ones), it was all lovely. Also, not one of our guests mentioned it and nor did any of our vendors (I suspect a lot of the vendors thought they were dead), it really wasn’t an issue.

Good luck to you, it’s not ideal but you can have the perfect day on your terms without your parents there.

Post # 22
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oops, didn’t realise this was such an old thread but I hope the advice helps somebody else!

Post # 23
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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glasgowgirl:  I actually revived it last week as came across it on Google.. Was dying to talk to someone..  My fiance needs ear defenders so thought I would try mithering someone else  and give him a break from the drama.. :-* Poor chap  ;-)…  Thanks so much for the insight and the advice it’s so helpful 🙂 It helps you put things into perspective. 

 

Post # 24
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

I had a sort of similar situation, I got married last month. feel free to have a look at my threads, think it’s called ‘have uninvited my parents to wedding next week’ the best advice the bees gave me is that i need to forgive myself, and that it’s ok to remove toxic people from your life. 

Post # 25
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

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glasgowgirl:  whoops just did the same, should really look at dates

Post # 26
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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Miss.E.91:  Thank you will do.. 

Post # 27
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

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modernriot:  hey I’ll be facing a similar situation And I was wondering if you could give me any sound advice on this. My family cant seem to get along with my fiance…they told me to pay my education fees at first (because they sponsored my education) and at that time I was forced to break up because I was in the midst of my studies. But I’ll be done soon And Im not over my man..how do I even get my family’s approval since they are so adamant that Im making the wrong choice in my life..

Post # 28
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I’m pretty sure my parents and brother wouldn’t attend my wedding either. It hurts soooooo much because I have had an amazing relationship with my family, until I started dating my fiance.

Read full story here:http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-dont-know-what-to-do-23/

We’ve been together for 2 years and my parents still refuse to meet him. We got engaged about 1 month ago and we want to get married soon because his mom has cancer. We were thinking sometime between may and August.

My parents don’t know that we’re engaged

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  soy_leaf8.
Post # 29
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Beach

I can definitely relate.

My mom passes away this January after a long battle with COPD and other chronic physical and mental health issues. My father and step mother attempted to help out after a 3-year estrangement, but turns out that even a wedding can’t fix 3 years of damage. They have since stepped out of the picture and I’m on my own again. Like you, they don’t know my fiance at all and they have met only a handful of times. 

The way I am trying to handle it is this: this is my day and regardless of other peoples’ issues, I can’t let it get in the way of my happiness. Sure, I could have put off my wedding until later, but it doesn’t mean that my relationship with these people would be any better 5 years from now. They are going to get an invitation, and that’s all. If they decline, so be it. As far as I’m concerned, my father doesn’t deserve the honor to give me away or dance with me. He had that chance, and messed up severely. To me, if I forced these things and did it anyway, it wouldn’t be genuine, and that’s not what I want. I’m not going to put on a face just for show.  

Post # 30
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My mom has been in and out of my life for the past 15 years which is approximately half my life.  She is not a nice person and thrives on drama and hurting people to elicit an emotional reaction.  Almost all of the major events in my life have happened without her and I see no reason why my engagement, wedding planning, and wedding itself should be any different.  I want a fun day with amazing memories and I know exactly what would happen if my mom attended.  

Luckily my dad, brother and sisters, and my fiance’s family are the bomb.  My extended family has gone above and beyond to offer their help even though they are in a different state.  I guess I don’t really have any advice and this does sound kinda hippieish but if you have other people who are happy for you then just surround yourself with love.  Life is too short to stress out over negativity.  

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