Post # 1
Darling Husband has been feeling a little (for lack of a better term) stir-crazy lately. He’s not the type who is implusive (like me) and he weighs out all the options/outcomes before he does anything. So I know that these are real options for him. He’s been seriously considering doing the following:
- Taking a 3-6 month leave of absence from his job to travel. He’s got a great job, and has been with the company for 12.5 years – since he was a teenager. They would probably grant him the time off, with no issues.
- Taking a Brewmasters course and opening his own craft brewery
- Climbing Mount Everest or Mount McKinley
I nixed Mount Everest. Darling Husband is in great shape, runs 1/2 marathons, hikes often etc., however he is not an experienced climber. He would take all the necessary training to do the climb, but I started having major anxiety about him doing it and told him I really didn’t want him to do it. However for some reason, I’m okay with him doing McKinley…(I don’t know what my logic is with that?)
Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to ask is, if your husband/SO had a dream to do something a little (or a lot) crazy, which scares the crap out of you, would you be okay with him doing it because it’s something he really wants to do? How would you support him? I’m not that wife who ever tells him what he can and can’t do (nor is he that husband), but for some reason, Mount Everest is just a giant no-no in my mind and I can’t help but feel like a bitch for telling him no, when it is something he really wants to do…
Post # 2
Maybe he can start small…my mom brews beer at home and occasionally enters competitions with it, but she hasn’t gone so far as to quit her job and try to open a brewery.
I would support my Fiance as long as what he wanted to do wouldn’t put us at risk. He’s the primary breadwinner, him quitting his job to build and restore pinball machines would put us in the poor house. But I am fine with giving up a room in our place for him to fill up with pinball stuff and tinker in his spare time
Post # 3
a_day_at_the_fair: Your mom is BA! That’s so neat!! I should look into local competitions for him to enter too! Thanks for that idea.
I suppose I should have mentioned that too, we have enough savings to get us through about 3 years without his income, and we also have an income property, and I still work full-time so I’m not worried about finances, it’s more his safety I’m afraid of :/
Post # 4
Ryansgirl: I don;t know, because none of those “dreams” that your husband has would be something that I would “put up with” from Fiance. We are in the process of building a life together, so I don’t know if I would be okay with him going forward with a “dream” that would severely set us back financially and in terms of having a family. I wouldn’t be okay with that. Fiance has dreams all the time. Hell, so do I. I would kill to take a year off of work, move to a big city, and write–but it’s just not feasible without seriously uprooting our lives.
Can he start small with some of these things? Climbing Mt. Everest–I’m sorry, I would have nixed that, too. Take a hike. Climb a smaller mountain! Craft brewery: Again, why can’t he start small? Take some of the classes, enter local farmer’s market, build an online and community prescence before quitting your job to do it. And as for traveling, as long as it would be a given that he would be able to get his job back and you would be financially secure during this time, I guess I don’t see the problem…are you going with him? What would your job situation be like?
I don’t know, I’m all about supporting Fiance, but some of these just seem a little…I don’t know. I almost a little childish. Sorry, I really don’t mean that in a bitchy way, they just seem almost random, haha. Good luck!
Post # 5
I can see the reluctance to get on board with the Mt. Everest thing— there are so many hack guide companies these days who will take people up the mountain regardless of physical condition, so long as they can pay the fees, and that creates significant risks to other climbers. The death rates on Everest are really out of control in the last 3-4 seasons.
But I don’t think any of the other “dreams” are automatically no-go’s.
If he would like to take an extended leave of absence to travel, I don’t see anything wrong with that, so long as the two of you can survive without his salary and also build in some budget for you to come meet him several times along his journeys.
Open a craft brewery? People actually make good livings this way, if they have a decent budget and business plan. There are actually a little string of craft breweries outside of Seattle all opened by former Microsoft employees who saved their money up and decided not to be software engineers forever.
I would absolutely support my fi in any of these if that’s what he wanted to do (apart from Everest, but McKinley wouldn’t bother me, assuming he was into it and was in top shape), and I would expect him to support me if I wanted to go open a restaurant or a B&B, so long as we had the money saved up to do it and a decent business plan.
I would encourage him to take a few business administration classes if he is serious about the craft brewing, and try his hand brewing small batches, before ruling that out entirely. If he’s got his heart set on traveling, ask him to draw up a budget with you, which would include your normal household expenses and his travel money plus a cushion plus a travel budget for you, and he can start saving.
Post # 6
MrsMeowton: Thanks for your feedback! We are in a position where any of those dreams of his wouldn’t be putting a financial burden on us, whatsoever, so that part isn’t an issue. It’s more of a safety/life/death thing that scares me! Those are things he’s most passionate about, so I guess they’re not random/childish to him lol. He feels like he’s done the “safe” thing his entire life and he wants to do something a little crazy, I’m just not comfortable with the one he’s most excited about.
Horseradish: Great advice with the business classes. It seems like we’re on the same page! …thanks 😉
Post # 7
I think it would really depend. There is a balance between being supportive and being realistic. My Darling Husband would love to quit his job and work on a card game that him and a friend have been working on for a while full time. Unfortunatly, that is balanced with the fact that he took on a pretty heavy load of law school debt and we can’t afford to make that happen for him. His friend brews his own beer, but our local craft beer scene is currently saturated to the breaking point.
There are times where in a relationship where you can be the cheerleader, and other times where you need to play devils advocate. I have a saying based on my job that what the customer wants isn’t always what is best for the customer. Sometimes they need to be told No, what you want is not feasable/realistic. That includes telling my Darling Husband that every once in a while. I say it in the kindest possible way “You and friend can work on the card game at night and if you get it published we can revisit how much that makes us and if we can afford for you to quit your job,” and “We can look at you finding a new job that you may be happier at.”
Post # 8
Ryansgirl: Be prepared for him to become a beer snob and think nothing else is as good as his though lol.
I can understand the safety thing. Climbing mountains isn’t something you can just jump into, and they say the number one reason for climbing deaths is inexperience. Thankfully for me all of my FIs dreams are pretty safe in terms of risk of physical harm lol
Post # 9
Ryansgirl: if it were my Fiance and I in this situation, I would support him. I’d ask that he skip the crazy dangerous stuff, regardless of finances. The reason for this, is I’d be too afraid of a serious injury that could possibly prevent him from working ever again, building up medical bills, and if course, I wouldn’t want my partner hurt.
The only thing that would bug me in all of this, is I’d want to be doing all those things too, alongside him. Traveling and adventure is wonderful, but when you’re married, you should include your partner. (You didn’t clarify if you’d be joining in any if his “dreams”, or if you want to). I’d be sad to be left home while he goes and has fun, spending all of our savings, while I continue to work.
But, we’re all different.
Post # 10
Mine likes to MMA fight on the side. This scares the bajeezes out of me (even though it’s kind of hot and he’s never lost) so I sat him down and had a heart to heart. He’s been doing all the training and instead of MMA matches, entering “sparring” matches for martial arts competitions. Still lots of potential damage, but a bit less… Brutal. <br /><br />
I’d say be supportive, but ask for smaller starts. It’s not wrong to worry about your SO and not wrong at all to want him to be a little more circumspect about his choices (even if he is a big planner). I’d say find some middle ground that works for you both and go for it. There’s lots of Mts that aren’t Everest dangerous but still challenging and accomplishments to do! Also brewing from home doesn’t have to start off 100% full time. And traveling is super amazing! Do it together, but perhaps in smaller chunks than 6 months straight so you have time to do all the stuff you need to do too. I think all his goals are very do-able. Just maybe on a smaller scale to begin with. Who knows? Maybe he’ll become such a competent climber, or make the most bagining brews ever, that you wont have the worries anymore down the road 🙂
Post # 11
Ryansgirl: My SO and I are the same way about weighing options. SO always wanted to own his own business and the opportunity arose when I was 9 months pregnant and needing to leave my job because having three kids and a 3 hr daily commute wasn’t working. I told him he needs to at least try to live out his dream. He’ll regret it if he doesn’t. So we both quit our jobs and now SO has a successful business and I’m extremely lucky to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. Support your SO’s dreams and have faith in him that he knows what he’s doing and will be sucessful. Everything will work out how it is supposed to.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the thoughts ladies!! I think I’ll wait to see what he decides, and go from there, but it’s nice to hear all the different perspectives, and those who agree that Mt Everest is completely insane!
Post # 13
I say why not! Let him go for it, it’d be a massive achievement and something he’d remember forever. You don’t want to be the one to hold him back, he may end up resenting you for it later on.
My hubby’s dream is to be a rock star and he works his ass off doing what he loves and the reality is his music comes before any other job he has as its not what his passionate about (He also goes through a LOT of jobs for this reason) For ages it really bothered me. He is an extremely talented singer, song-writer and guitarist. For years I’d get annoyed when band practice went all day (and night) and he’d miss things due to touring or playing a show. I worried what would happen if I fell pregnant and he was never home?We’ve been together 7.5 years now and I’ve learnt to really admire his passion and persistence in doing what he loves. He taught me to dream too and that you really can achieve anything you have your heart set on. I will always support him 110% (and I know he’ll support me always too) even when at times I still get frustrated I’ll still support him and I’d never hold him back. He also made it workable and decided in our 5 year plan, he’d travel and tour and I’d visit him and have a holiday out of it too, and in 4-5 years we’ll then settle down and try for a baby, but until then we’ll explore the world and chase our dreams. After all you only live once! 😉 <3 xx
Post # 14
I am down to let my husband fulfill whatever dreams he has, as long as we’re able to keep up our lifestyle financially. We’re are looking into travelling for 3-6 months ourselves and we are saving for that. I would be absolutely fine with him climbing Mt. Everest if that was his dream and he prepared for it properly. Obviously I’d be nervous, but I would never tell him not to. His friend just climbed it in 2013 and it really is a cool thing to have done.
Post # 15
Ryansgirl: If my husband was acting like yours I would do whatever I could to support him. I’d hate to see my Darling Husband seem unhappy or dissatisfied with the life we built together. If possible I would much rather travel together than he go off by himself. And I agree about everest, that is legitimately dangerous. But if it would start a fight for you to say “No”, try suggesting he do that Everest after the travelling and craft brewing. By then, he may have it out of his system and no longer even wish to do it.