Post # 1
Lately, since our sons first birthday (August 3rd) Darling Husband has been hinting that he wants to try for another soon. We also have my 8 year old from a previous relationship. I have told him that I just don’t think I can go through it all again, and he understands but also feels very strongly that he wants more kids.
I have MS, which you probably know as I’ve mentioned it quite a few times. On top of those symptoms, I get hyperemesis when pregnant to the point of throwing up all day everyday for about 3 months. During this time I am very weak and literally cannot get out of bed. I can’t even take care of myself much less being able to take care of my 1 year old. So let’s say I got through those months by the grace of a divine entity and a shit ton of antiemetics….. Having a newborn at home again along with my then toddler. My baby is very high needs and is always fussy and requires constant attention. I still haven’t gotten to sleep a full night since the day he was born. He wakes up 5-6 times a night still and we’ve tried everything so I am always tired. I can barely function as it is most days and after over a year of getting shitty sleep it really wears you down and messes with your head. I literally cannot imagine adding another baby to the mix.
We have absolutely zero help from family or friends, so that is not an option. I have never gotten a babysitter or a day off since he’s been born. Honestly when my husband asked to have another I looked at him like he had three heads. So I feel like this would be hard for a healthy person but with my MS I am seriously struggling as it is. Yet if we had help or I was totally healthy or I got a full nights sleep once a week I probably WOULD want another….but I feel like I am totally maxed out I just have no energy.
I am not sure what to do or how to compromise with my husband in this situation. It’s not that I truly don’t want to have another baby. I am just not sure my body can handle it, and if I couldn’t we would have no help to fall back on. I don’t want to regret not having more years later though or have my husband resent me for it.
For or those that will probably ask the obvious question of why is my husband not helping more- he works full time, has reserves a weekend a month, but mostly it’s because our house is under construction and he’s doing the construction when he’s not at work. So he’s basically working all the time. And he would help me at night and has tried (our son sleeps in our room because his room is under construction lol) while I sleep on the couch in the living room but our son will literally just scream all night because he wants me. It was hours. I should also mention that Darling Husband was gone (a month ago) for 3 months (military) so our son saw only me while he was gone. So yeah….that’s about where we are. The sleeping situation will get better once his room is done I hope and Darling Husband will be around to help more but the rest I don’t really see changing much.
Post # 2
So I haven’t been through this personally, but would adoption be an option? It sounds like a great deal of your hesitation to have another child stems from the pregnancy and newborn stage, not as much the idea of having another child. If that’s the case, maybe a compromise would be to adopt an older child (4-6yr old)?
If you just don’t want more kids period, then I’m not sure there IS a compromise. At the end of the day it’s your body and your choice.
I can imagine it’s a tough spot to be in though. Sorry you’re having to go through it Bee!
Post # 3
I think there are a lot of areas where couples can and should compromise, this isn’t one of them. Both parties should be 110% on board before bringing a child into the mix. I’d just have a very serious conversation, no hinting, that you’ve already birthed two children. You’re extremely tired, your health is at risk and for the sake of the household, you cannot add a third.
Post # 4
amb1030 : Thats a really tough situation.
Is there a way for you to get a mothers helper around the house? You could ask like a young teenager to help you wrangle/play with the baby so you can relax/ have some time to yourself…It must be incredibly diffifcult for you 🙁
I would just tell you Darling Husband that another child right now is not happening and you need some outside help as you have no family around. If you are willing to revisit the idea in a year or two when your son is older and less dependant on you that could be a compromise.
But if physically it is not safe/ you have no desire to go though another pregnancy, you shouldnt have too especially since you have MS. I dont think you should have to be pregnant if you do not want to be, would adoption or surrogacy be an option? If not, it is my opinion that you get the final say in this matter. But thats just me. Maybe have a counselor help you guys talk it through ?
Post # 5
Definately do not have another child right now. I’d say the first step would be to have a serious, honest conversation with your husband about the physical aspect of going through another pregnancy. Discuss getting a babysitter occasionally so that you can have some time off. I’m assuming you’ve tried everything in terms of getting your son to sleep through the night? Sleep is so essential for both mom and baby.
Post # 6
amb1030 : do you need to decide now? It sounds like a lot of the uncertainty is due to situational stuff (house under construction, very young child not sleeping etc) that may ease off in a year or two when the house is finished and your youngest is older? Could you ask your husband to let you have a year or so before you review the decision again? Just stop the conversation, stop the pressure and see what you both feel next August.
Post # 7
I would just be honest with him, as you were in this post, as to why you’re against having another child now. He needs to be realistic. I get that he wants another baby but he has to know how difficult, both physically and emotionally, this has been on you. In your situation I think I’d look at him like he has 3 heads too! I mean, your house is still under construction and he basically never has time to spend with the child you already have. What makes him think now is a good time for another baby?! I’d take the baby question completely off the table for now and agree to revisit it in maybe a year’s time.
If you’re worried about another baby at any time (like in the future when the house stuff has calmed down and you’re finally getting some sleep), what are your thoughts on adoption? Either way, this is something the two of you need to sit down and really talk about. You need to be on the same page. I agree with a PP that you shouldn’t really “compromise” on having another baby. Both parents should be totally on board.
Post # 8
I think the answer is clearly no right now. Maybe agree to reasses in another year or two? Of course you don’t want a baby when you get no sleep and have no help but you may get baby fever in 18 months and there’s no rule your kids have to be close in age.
Post # 9
I think the answer is ”not right now, lets re-visit this topic in another year?” Unless you’re 40 you still have time?
Post # 10
You have extremely valid reasons for not wanting to go through another pregnancy! Plus your youngest is only 1, even for someone without MS that may well be too soon to think about another kid. I don’t know how old you are but couldn’t you wait a few years and see how you feel? You should tell your husband exactly how you feel – surely he would then see that asking you to have another baby right now is not reasonable. I know you don’t want you husband to resent you but equally you don’t want to go through with it and then resent him.
Post # 11
It’s time to get a sleep consultant in (if you haven’t) and figure out why he isn’t sleeping well. Most likely there is a solution, as I’m sure you know, one year olds shouldn’t wake up more than 1-2 times per night and it’s concerning that he might not be getting enough good quality sleep. Reminds me a bit of my niece who was ‘high maintenance’ until the parents learned she had unusual allergies.
Theres absolutely no way I’d have another child in your situation. Just reassess the situation in a year or so!
Post # 12
If one person says no, the answer is no. Especially if its their body on the line.
Post # 13
Of course he wants another kid. He’s getting all the benefit without having to put in any work. Too bad for him – something is giong to have to majorly change in order to make this a reality.
Post # 14
amb1030 : I know someone who has had a second child because her partner wanted to. They honestly have a very high maintenance first child and she was hesitant to add a second. They did and they are really going through a tough time and I am certain a lot of ‘blame’ is being put out there in high stress situations. You don’t want to do that and blame and resent partners or children.
I would tell hubby it is a ‘not now’ but most likely later situation. You have a house to finish and baby to get into a sleeping pattern first. Ask him to revisit in a year.
I would also hire a sleep specialist too. Good luck and i hope the bubba sleeps through tonight for you. xx
Post # 15
amb1030 : I would say both parties, like a pp said above need to be on board before even starting on having a child. If either party is hestitant it can lead to resentment down the line.