- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
This is more a “I need to rant out loud and calm down” post, but if you happen to have suggestions let me know.
Background: My fiance has two brothers, and two sisters. We included them all in the wedding party; the two brothers are the Best Men, One sister is a bridesmaid, the other is a Jr Bridesmaid (not relavent to this story). Brother 1 and wife (and 2 kids) are anti-vaccinations, Brother 2 and wife (and newborn) are over-the-top pro-vaccinations. Previously, Brother 2’s wife told us in a nasty text that Brother 2 did not need to learn how to walk a straight line, so instead of attending the rehearsal/dinner he would be spending the night with his family (her+baby that will be 2 months old at wedding date), so we already don’t like her.
Prior to the new baby being born this week (so, about two or three months ago), Brother 2’s wife sent out a post on FB, essentially stating “no TDAP vaccination, no baby”. Understandable, you want your kid protected until you can protect him with his own vaccinations…but they went overboard. If you did not have your shot at least two weeks prior to the birth, you were not allowed to even be near the baby. Even if you got your TD shot within the last ten years, that’s not good enough, her doctor said five years, so go get another one, but “make sure it’s the TDAP Booster because you all are going to have whooping cough and give it to my baby if you don’t.”
Her side of the family all jumped at the vaccinations, while his side delayed on it. Sister bridesmaid is 5 months into a very high-risk pregnancy and was told she can’t get it, and their mom works in a clinic with a lot of people who have immuno deficiency so she needed to get clearance to get it. For us, at over $60 a pop, $120 is a lot to drop on a booster shot when we are trying to get the final money together for our wedding. And of course, Brother 1 is anti-vaccines, so their family was not going near it.
Brother 1 and Brother 2 got into it, through texts, facebook, you name it. To sum it up: “You’re dividing our family, you’re essentially blacklisting us” “Nobody batted an eye when you made bad decisions for your kids, and us trying to protect our new baby is the problem?” “We have been around other babies and never gotten them sick, we’re fine, we’ve gone to immunologists JUST FOR YOU and been told we’re good, do you want our doctors note?” “Well this is a consequence you should have seen coming by not vaccinating in the first place” “So your niece and nephew can never see their cousin?” “Well, only until he’s fully vaccinated”…Brother 2+wife haven’t agreed on whether they are referring to the 1 year, 2 year, 18 year mark…and Brother 1 is understandably hurt.
I’m siding more with Brother 1, but I have seen both right and wrong in both sides. I know the snippits I included above make it sound like Brother 1 is innocent in this, but I blame them both for this escalation because they BOTH chose not to sit down to define what’s happening in person. I do believe that everyone should be vaccinated and Brother 1 is wrong in that regard (I’m sorry if you are reading this and take offense to that, but it is how I feel because I know people that cannot protect themselves and they are at a higher risk because of anti-vaccination increasing). However, it shouldn’t be forced on them, and you can’t alienate them indefinitely because of their choices unless you are one of those people at a higher risk (ie: newborn status). I think Brother 2+wife need to take a chill pill and tone back on their paranoia; just because they can’t touch your baby doesn’t mean they can’t be in the same house, or the same backyard. There’s wipes, there’s precautions you can take, and precautions they can take, and you can make it work.
They both refuse to sit down and talk this out. I messaged them both separately trying to plea that this not affect my fiance, that they settle things properly and make sure my fiance gets a bachelor party and wedding he deserves, because he was there and happy for both of them at their weddings and parties. They both assure me that nothing will happen, and “he will be so busy/preoccupied that he won’t even know we’re not talking”.
They’re not taking into consideration that it’s forcing my fiance to split his time at the bachelor party between them instead of just being able to enjoy himself. That when it’s time to get ready the morning of the wedding, it’s them and only two others. Or the fact that they both have to walk their mother down the aisle together and smile for it, and stand next to each other during the ceremony. That we have to take family photos and actually look like a family.
I can see how it’s wearing on my fiance as it is, and I don’t want it going any further. I just don’t know how to nip this in the butt. I want to force them to sit down and talk it out, no wives around, but it’s difficult to even get them to talk in general. We had a gender reveal for sister Bridesmaid today, and Brother 2 said he wasn’t going because Brother 1 would be there. I would hate to know what’s in store for the holidays, who won’t show up for Christmas Dinner with their mom because the other one is there.
Where can we even go from here? I know it’s not our place on the vaccination situation, what they do for their kids is their business whether we agree with it or not. But it’s a house divided in the family right now and I’m just so over it, I don’t need THIS to be what I’m stressing about less than 2 months before my wedding. I know it’s going to be a stressor on both me and my fiance, not knowing how everything will turn out on the big day. Do we attempt to get a “family meeting” together? Am I allowed to tell them to grow up and stop being rude? I told my fiance to sit down, just the three of them, and tell them how this is hurting him, but he doesn’t want to be “the bad guy”. Do we just give up on one of the brothers? Should I punch Brother 2’s wife in the face like I’ve been wanting to do for a while now? Accept where this has gone, and just do the best we can?
I’m sure we’ll figure it out, and I’m sure it’ll take all of the 2 months left to do it, but ugh! Let me get back to worrying about sticking magnet tape to the back of my favors