When you're Green with Envy…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Halo094 :  Aw, I can totally understand. 

But if you know anything about the forest you know that the trees who were forced to grow slowly and fought to survive (because they grew in conditions with less light, less resources and more hardship) have deep roots and strong limbs.

Those trees sprouting up fast and easy fully exposed in the light without protection get blown down in the first storm. They will always stuggle with any hardship.

I didn’t choose to be that tree in the shade either, but it has made me strong. 

Treasure all the lessons life has given you and find peace knowing how strong you have become.

(and get off of social media asap.)

Post # 17
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s normal, just try  not to become too consumed with it.

Someone always has it better, someone always has it worse. But regardless of how it appears there will be some flaws somewhere, and you never know what’s down the line. Who even knows if they’ll stay married? 😂 

Feel your feelings in the moment but then let it go, I’m sure it doesn’t help being in the midst of it as it’s happening but I’m sure the jealousy will subside with time. 

And who says you can’t have several honeymoons? I say make every holiday a honeymoon! 😉😊

Post # 18
Member
9213 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my least favorite wedding i went to was a 250-300 person wedding.  it must have cost a fortune.  the only good thing was the food at the cocktail hour.  the main course was terrible, the decor ugly (in my opinion).  normally i don’t remember the decor, but this stood out to me.  the dance floor was super crowded and you couldn’t walk around the room with all the tables so tight.  and the drink lines were long.

on the otherhand, one of my favorite weddings, in top 3, was a 40ish person wedding, low budget.  the people, the music, the food, everything was so much fun.

 

sometimes people appear to have it easy and others not.  we had to go through infertility treatment for 2 years to have my son.  it cost us $20k and a lot of heartache.  and no one threw us a baby shower.  everything my son has, we bought ourselves.  i was certainly jealous of people who got pregnant easily then had lavish showers where they got everything they want.

but i know not all those people are happy.  we are so thankful for our extraordinary son and have an absolutely wonderful marriage.  to me that is more important than all the material things in the world.

 

Post # 19
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Halo094 :  I agree with PPs, you are looking at her social media life! Maybe you should take a social media break. I do it from time to time!

I am very happy and proud of my accomplishments in life BUT I do not post the “awesome” things that happens to me on social media because if I lost my job, house, car, (i.e. materialist things) I wouldn’t post that on social media! Futhermore, if I was having family problems I wouldn’t post it either!

Therefore, I feel like people who only post “perfect” things on social media are phonies! I live in real life where we have good days and bad days! Your SIL included.

It sounds like her Darling Husband is the bread-winner which is fine. But you have no idea if he belittles her, makes her feel inadequate, etc. I’m not saying he does any of those things, I’m saying you will never know!

Be grateful that you and your Darling Husband respect each other and work hard for what you have! Again unfollow her, people like her are annoying! Cheer up!

 

Post # 20
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Our wedding was a disaster. Nothing was my fairytale dream but the man I married. In the end, just count your blessings. Mourn for what will not be and move on. Life will give you problems that pale in comparison to whether or not you got a gram worthy wedding.

Post # 21
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Don’t worry about whether her life is really so great. Maybe it actually is, but maybe it actually isn’t. The happiest people I know are happy independant of whether other people have better or worse lives from them.

Make a list of everything you have to be greatful for. Not in comparison to other people (I have more friends than Jane), but that is great about you and your life. You have a husband who you love very much, and who you know you can make it through tough times with. Your husband also sounds like he’s driven, because having your own business takes dedication and drive.

Are you a great cook? Do you have an awesome sense of humour? Do you have great hair, or an awesome smile, or an infectious laugh? Make a list of all the things that are GREAT about you. Look at that list. Post it on your mirror. Or as a memo in your phone, and when you start to find yourself comparing to other people, LOOK AT IT.

Don’t take away form other people’s happiness by assuming their lives must suck outside of social media. Be happy the people you love get to be happy, and focus your energy on being happy yourself.

Post # 22
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

When you feel like this, just remember that over half the world is living on LESS than a dollar a day and most people in the world would probably kill for your spot.

Post # 23
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Halo094 :  I understand how you feel.  I try to focus on my own life and what’s good in it and that’s not always easy.  And the thing is you have no clue what thier lives look like behind the lovely social media image they have.  I was just having this talk with my friend the other day.

She feels like a failure, and that everyone else is happier and more successful than her.  And then I told her everything that didn’t get shown on my social media.  That awesome job I had right after college?  Yeah, it wore me out emotionally, and my last month I cam home from work every day crying.  And then I quit after the company had a brutal layoff.  On social media, it looked like I was having the time of my life, going camping and cashing in my ari miles to visit friends.  But I definitely didn’t show the panic attacks that followed and the humilation of having to ask my parents for money after it too me WAY longer to find a gig.  And the high profile job I got after?   Well I spent 3 months getting yelled at my an angry german man, which was followed by a huge team merger and then I was scrambling to keep my job.  

But all the time, it looked like my life was an endless easy vacation filled with money and easy jobs.  I mean what, was I going to post on FB that 2 of my best friends ended up in rehab after too many years of the drinking culture that surrounded my industry?  Or that the impossible work schedules, long commutes and high cost of living where wearing down on my relationship?  Or that I missed my family all the time and felt like I was missing everything, but I couldn’t afford plane tickets home.  NO.  Just a cute pic of my and my Boyfriend or Best Friend in front of the Golden Gate bridge.  That stuggle isn’t cute.

AND all the while, I was pretty jealouse of HER.  She got all these scholarships because seh was such a good student and isn’t buried in student debt.  She would go on archeaoligal digs in europe in the summers.  I want my masters, but there was no way I could afford it.  And there she was getting her PHD.  She was only an hour away from home, and got to be around when her nieces where born and help plan her borthers wedding.  She visited my Dad after his heart attack.  Some days  I was just DYING for a switch.  And then we laid it all out in a super long phone call, and we where jealous of each other the entire time.  But we where both depressed, having panic attacks, dealing iwth suicidal thoughts.  I think laying it all out helped us.   

Some people who we think have it better, have it the same.  Somne people who have it better now, will have it worse later on.  Some people just have it better.  We all get jealous.  It’s normal.  I know I’m trying to be kind to my one friend, who seemed to be doing better and could throw a more lavish wedding, but then her Fiance get laid off.  I tell yeah, I almost cried when she told me all the effort her Fiance put into her really expensive perfecly thought out ring, while I was wearing some bastardized version that got screwed up by the jeweler that was a fraction of the cost.  But then my Fiance got a promotion that had us move to a lower cost of living city.  I found a really good job.  Our parents offered to help.  She’s cut her budget,  I upped mine, and now I’m scared to tell her who I booked because it alwas seems to be the vendors she wanted that where just out of reach.  So sometimes, things flip.

Your Darling Husband has his own business. if he focuses on that and make it grow, he could make way more money than at a job, and he’s the mast of his own destiny.  Feast and famine is the price you pay for that, as well as the early sacrafice.  Keep working hard and making the best choices for you, and then before you know it they’ll be jealous of you.  Where you could ruin all that is if you try and keep up with the Jones.

Post # 24
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Like PPs have said, what people put on social media is not necessarily an accurate representation of their life. My SIL is always posting about new cars, expensive shoes, etc. and makes herself out to be super spoiled (which is true and is extremely aggravating to me), but I also know that she’s not posting about my Brother-In-Law constantly asking to borrow money from my Darling Husband and that their life isn’t as charmed as she makes it out to be. So even if you don’t have the details on what else is going on, just know that there’s something! (And it’s okay to be jealous or annoyed by it sometimes, just vent about it and then don’t let those feelings consume you.)

Post # 25
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Halo094 :  Every person goes through things so just because they present their “perfect” relationship and life on social media does not mean that everything is perfect. People hide their imperfesions, shortcomings, etc. so whenever you see these videos/pictures just be grateful for things in your life like the love you and your husband share because love is priceless and worth more than a wonderful honeymoon or a brand new car. 

Post # 26
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - backyard

It’s okay to feel jealous! Don’t feel bad that you’re having normal feelings. Journal about what you’re jealous about and also journal what you’re grateful for in your own life. Feel the feelings then let them go! I try to remember that life goes in cycles of good and bad and just because you’re dealing with the frustrations of life doesn’t mean you always will. And just because their life seems facebook perfect 😉 doesn’t mean it is or will always be. And get rid of social media if you can!

Post # 27
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Halo094 :  I just wanted to say from experience… sometimes it is HARD not to compare to others. I went through this A LOT when I was in high school. My family struggled growing up, and I was raised by a single mother. I worked really hard in school, and was awarded a scholarship to a very prestigious private high school. It was sooo hard seeing these kids get brand new luxury cars for their 16th birthday, when I was working a part time job to help my mom fix her own car so she could get to work and take me to school. Seriously, in English class one time we had to talk about our summer, and while I was working my a** off, some girl spent the summer “on the family yact on the coast of Austrialia”….. UGH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. 

But anywho… I worked my way through college on partial scholarships and student loans, keeping 2 jobs just to pay the bills, while my high school friends went off to $100k/year private colleges their parents paid for in full. One guy got into my dream school because his dad donated to the school’s new library. I was more qualified in every way, but they only award one student at our school admission. That one hurt.  

Now, my friends are having $100k weddings while I work really hard to pay for my “small” affair, which many of their parents have called a “budget” wedding… ugh. Whatever. But you know what, I am HAPPY and I am PROUD of my hard work and where I have come. Sure, it would be wonderful if people just handed me things, but I wouldnt be the person I am now. I wouldnt understand and value money and hard work like I do. I wouldnt appreciate things the same way, and I wouldnt trade my life for theirs. I have a loving family, a loving fiance, and a nice car and nice house I bought MYSELF because I work SO hard for all of it. And you know what, some of my friends are truly happy, but some of them have a very very hard time living in the real world now. Depression and eating disorders run deep in that circle of friends because they have never had to deal with hardships or not getting their way. Life can hit hard and at least I know I am prepared for it. But at the end of the day, my friends cannot help how they were raised or what they were given in life. They dont treat me any different, so I shouldnt treat them any different. And I am truly HAPPY when they have things easy, because hey, everyone has problems and I love them and want the best in life for them. 

Just remember, happiness IS a choice. Your attitude is a choice. But you cannot waste your life worrying about everyone else. You have a limited amount of time on this earth, so you can take what you are given and make the most of it, or you can make yourself sick worrying. Just remember, YOU have the power to change your own life, you cant sit around waiting for someone else to do it for you. Love the ones you have, celebrate others, spread joy! 

Post # 28
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

They have their issues too.  Just because they appear to have everything doesn’t mean they don’t have challenges.  Like my friend who has a TV that is 3 times as big as ours…she is almost $100,000 in debt with student loans and keeps on saying how jealous she is that we are debt free…

Post # 29
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

+10000 to everyone reminding you to not live and die by social media. If you don’t want to unplug completely, just remove her from your TL. I’ve done this with many people and it makes social media tolerable. Do what you have to do to feel good about yourself. You don’t owe anyone your attention, unless it’s an actual face-to-face visit or a phone call. No one is entitled to “likes” and “shares” and all that nonsense.

I taught myself a little thought process to put myself through every time I feel jealous/envious like this. I remind myself: you can’t just envy the wedding, or the job, or one specific circumstance of the person’s life. If you want to switch places with them, you have to take the whole thing. So if I envy my high school friend who ghosted me and went on to become a PhD in biochemistry, like I envisioned for myself, I have to remind myself that I flunked out of school for a reason – I hated it. She was obviously wired for it and worked her butt off while I enjoyed a less-glamourous career that allowed me more time off and a lot of fun. I can envy the drop-dead gorgeous coworker who’s 100 lbs soaking wet, but she has severe anxiety and a probable eating disorder.

Do I really want the whole thing? You have to want the whole thing, not just the results. And there is a 99.999999% chance that you are not privy to what the whole thing entails. It might be horrible. 

It’s sort of like the parable of God offering a group of down-trodden people an opportunity to have a problem exchange. They meet and share their problems, but after the meeting, every single one left with their own problems. 

I’m incredibly excited for my simple wedding coming up that will not put us into debt. It will be nice enough and everyone will have fun. We’re not rich, but we have what we need. Be grateful for each other and having Enough. <3

Post # 30
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Bee you are human so don’t beat yourself up! I have a friend whose life seems perfect in every way. She met a very well off man who has a great job and multiple properties and he proposed to her in less than a year! He had a lavish proposal for her and they are having a huge fancy wedding. I won’t lie sometimes it stings like what did they do that I didn’t?  But then I remember that I have a wonderful life too. I have a great job and a man who I wouldn’t trade for the world! He treats me like a queen and makes sure I want for nothing. He may not have a PhD or make $250,000 but he for darn sure makes sure his lady is always happy and taken care of. I don’t know the dynamics of my friends relationship but from the outside in it looks like gold.

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