When you're happily married but end up with a little crush

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i will admit some men do make my eyes wander but i keep it to myself and do not act upon anything and laugh and wonder what my life would be like if i was single and i get over it lol.  i had learned in the past that my friendlines can be confused for flirting, which is something i had to work on over the years lol. i also learned that there is chemsitry with chemicals and stuff that make us think things our moral compas would not allow. i think you are doing great to avoid the situation. maybe mention that park dates are not as fun when her husband goes lol. maybe hint u need girl time away from the boys. never tell anyone how u feel. take it to ur grave. and enjoy the head chemicals u have no control over

Post # 3
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

usernameanonymous :  I don’t know what your husband is like -confident, self-assured, insecure, jealous etc., when it comes to other men and you. If your husband is self-assured like mine and doesn’t really get jealous, just tell him. That way, whatever is going on in your head is out in the open. You don’t have to admit your side of the crush to your husband, but just say, you know, so and so’s husband is really nice, but his attention makes me slightly uncomfortable. Now if it was my husband and I we would probably laugh it off together and focus our attention on ourselves. Admitting this to my husband would certainly relieve my anxiety because I don’t like keeping secrets from my spouse, even as trivial as someone crushing on me. Maybe it’s weird, but that is just how I am.

If revealing these thoughts to your husband would cause him grief, I would just move forward and be friendly but distant as you have been from the other guy. I wouldn’t try and avoid him, but I would treat him with kindness but be distant. Focus your conversations and interactions on the kids and his wife. Mentioning his wife and how nice, pretty, smart, etc. she is will quickly damper his flirtation unless he totally disregards his marriage and vows. 

Post # 5
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My advice is that I think you need to keep your husband in mind at all times. Think about why you love him, why you’re with him, perhaps also about what areas of your relationship could be improved (because any relationship can always be improved) and make a point to work on that. And always keep the bigger picture in mind too – a crush is always exciting, anything that could happen would also be exciting, but the follow-up would be devastating. You’d betray your husband, betray your friend, betray your son. It’s like a drug, not worth taking. Temptation isn’t worth giving in to.

Also I think you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself whether this woman is really your best friend ever, or whether part of her appeal is the fact that you know that through her you’re getting closer to her husband. Because if it’s the latter then it’s dishonest and you really do need to be ”busy” a lot of the time when she suggests things to you. Sometimes I think it’s easy to lie to yourself, like ”I’ll just taste the cake, I’ll just have a lick of the icing” and before you know it you’ve eaten the whole cake. It sounds like that’s what you’re worried about too. I think keeping your husband at the forefront of your mind is the only answer.

Post # 6
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

The danger is when you aren’t happy. So stay far away and don’t make conversation with him if you can. You can try to bring her to your turf and generally establish an “I prefer girl time” preference. 

Post # 7
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee

I understand how you feel, you may have to just try and ignore your attraction to him if you don’t feel like you’re able to avoid him.

I think the more you think about how attracted to him you are the more the attraction will grow and the bigger an issue it will become. When you’re in his presence and you feel yourself attracted to him think of your husband and keep reminding yourself that you’re married and you love your husband.

Do not start fantasising or flirting etc as this may initially seem harmless, but is a slippery slope towards an affair. I have had slight crushes despite being very happy with my fiancé and this is how I handle them and all of them have subsided after a few months. I focus on my love for my Fiance, keep reminding myself I’m taken and that I do not want to risk that. 

Post # 8
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Attractions/little crushes can happen out of the blue. Affairs do not. The difference between the two pretty much comes down to how much weight you give that crush/attraction and how much of your time/emotional energy you invest into it.

I would put this guy firmly into the “no fly zone” and move on/stop thinking about it and focus on your marriage, career, etc. instead.

Post # 9
Member
1383 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I would still be upfront to your husband about this other man’s body language. You could always tell him “Hey, my new friend’s husband is giving me these looks that come off as him being attracted to me and I want to be around him less. Could you take our son to the park today, or could you come on this play date with me?” I think going on a double date is a fine idea as to introduce your husband to this man. 

I don’t know if that’s truly helpful, but I have had crushes in the past, while committed and it truly does stink. In one case the guy was only there for the weekend of the wedding and eft. In another, the guy came into our friends group, started dating my friend, and now is going to be living in the same duplex as us soon. However, the crush phase only lasted for a month or two, when my now husband was away a lot and this guy and I had some really awesome 2am conversations getting to know each other.

As I grew to know him better and as my husband was around more (and we were nearing engagement – a very exciting thing!!) my feelings quickly faded. He’s a really great friend, but I also took note of flaws in him that I’m SO glad my husband doesn’t have (negativity, not listening well to differing perspectives, very political, etc) and have absolutely no lingering feelings for him at all.

In both of these situations, I told my husband about them, especially since a lot of it stemmed from being left alone and craving attention/affection. I also tried to redirect any sexual energy back at my husband and initiated affection, or sent him dirty texts if he weren’t physically around. 

It really stinks to experience, but in the end, we’re human and not entirely built for monogamy. Just keep making concious choices to redirect that attention back to your husband until it passes. Look at the other mans flaws, remind yourself how awesome your husband is, maybe even spend some extra one-on-one time with your husband to reconnect. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

There’s nothing wrong with looking at the menu, just as long as you don’t order.

Post # 11
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You haven’t said anything about his personality – just that you find him very attractive and he seems to feel the same. So could you find something annoying about him and focus on that? Maybe he has an annoying laugh, or he votes for the other party, or something. Make something up that would be a dealbreaker if you can’t find a flaw!

Distance yourself from him as much as possible. Don’t encourage him by making eye contact when he stares at you. If his behavior is as overt as you say, I’m surprised his wife isn’t picking up on it. So the other thing you could tell yourself is that it’s all in your head, that neither of you would ever cheat and you’d embarrass yourself by flirting, and then be polite but distant when you’re in a room together. 

If he tries to escalate beyond staring/smiling/body language, you can tell him you’re not interested. We are not animals, we can control our bodies! Just because you have an attraction does not mean you will act on it. I’m sure if you don’t fan the flames, this fire will die out soon.

 

Post # 12
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

It’s totally normal. I notice other guys, and have even had a couple crushes during my 10 year relationship. I think the trouble starts for a lot of people when they think it’s a red flag — as if there must be something wrong in their primary relationship if they notice someone else (although it doesn’t sound like that’s true in your case). 

It sounds like you’re already being pretty proactive. I wouldn’t stress about it. Just guard your heart, spend time focusing on your husband, and hey, revel in the butterflies a bit if you want (and take the extra energy out on your spouse). 🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
7720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m kinda getting creeper vibes from your friend’s husband to be honest. He kept staring at you and smiling while you were in his house, hanging out with his wife? And he behaves this way whenever he sees you? I wonder if his wife has picked up on this. I’d def pick up on it if my husband was acting this way toward another woman in my presence…I’d be watching like a hawk lol.

In terms of how to deal with the crush, I would kinda try to reframe your narrative about this guy cause he seems mildly skeevy with his “long stares.” While you’re trying to limit your interactions with him, he seems to be going out of his way to make it clear to you that he finds you attractive. Granted it’s just body language stuff at this point, but still…it’s really not how an honorable person behaves when in a committed relationship to someone else (unless, plot twist, he and his wife have an open relationship and/or are swingers and they’ve got you in their sights???). I think if you can get yourself to see him as skeevy rather than hot, that will kill the crush.

Post # 14
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

My friend I want to say in the nicest way possible, that you are in danger of cheating on your husband, and I will explain why. I know you don’t intend to, but then most women who cheat on their husbands never intended to. Always remember that in life we don’t do what we “intend” to do, we do what we have prepared to do. That’s why women say, “I didn’t mean to, it just happened.” It actually happens in steps and starts mentally. If you don’t deal seriously with it at the mental and emotional level, you will soon find yourself helpless against it physically.

There are some problems here:

  • You admire the friend’s husband – he’s hot and he’s “nice”
  • You are not disgusted by his behaviour
  • You minimize the situation by calling it a “little crush” and
  • you distance yourself from responsibility for your feelings (“End up with a little crush”)

He’s goodlooking, but you should be disgusted that a married man is overtly showing interest in a woman other than his wife. (As tifannybruiser said, “creeper vibes”). Your lack of disgust is a problem here, and it probably makes you friendlier than you should be, for example, you should never smile at this guy. But I’m guessing you do smile back.

Even worse, you admire him, so you’ve already found positive things to think about him. No doubt you also fantasize about him in some way. This stuff is dangerous and puts you in a precarious position.

A “little crush” is for when you’re single and maybe in high school or something. A little crush is not for a married woman. If you mentally minimize this situation, that makes it easier to cheat on your husband. And lastly I said, you are distancing yourself from taking responsiblity for what you feel. You are in control of your feelings, but you think you just “ended up” feeling that way. That will progress into you “ending up” visiting their house more often.

Then, when the day comes, that maybe the woman has to step out of the house and leave he husband there with you, you will probably not leave the house immediately yourself. You’ll probably stick around. How easy was that, right? You can “end up” cheating, too.

So all you have to do is clean out the unwanted thoughts and your reactions to this guy will also change. Then you will be in the clear and in no danger of cheating on your husband.

 

Post # 15
Member
9998 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

angelbritney :  Best post ever.

OP:  Honestly, if you think you’re the only woman this creep is staring lustfully, longingly at, vying for your attention, you’re dead wrong.  He has no respect for his wife, he has no respect for you and, even worse, no respect for your husband.  He obviously knows how attractive he is and it sounds like he’s trying to achieve another notch on his belt.  Don’t become one of them.

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