When you're happily married but end up with a little crush

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

kittykax :  this comment made me laugh. And I need this so much. Great comment.

Post # 17
Member
12498 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree that you should rewrite your mental narrative. Imagine how you’d feel if that was your husband and some other playground mother. You’d be hurt and upset, not tingling with butterflies. 

Despite your protests to the contrary, I also think these things are more likely to take hold when there could be more personal satisfaction and fulfillment in your own marriage. 

Even if things are good, and you love your husband,  they can always be better. Focus on him, plan a trip, fun date nights, midweek activities and get out of your current routine. You have a young child, which is a great reason for schedules, but it is still possible to get creative to keep the spark alive.

 

Post # 18
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Hon, this experience is sucky and I think about this as well. I realized this happens mainly when I feel like I’m not appreciated/cherished or taken for granted, or even as simple as “we had more time apart than I can accept without feeling like I need to prepare myself for what’s next. This is out of, ironically, fear of abandonment. 

Also, be honest with yourself. By that I mean, really admit to negative feelings about your relationship/husband that you may have. You might be ignoring something that you think at face value “shouldn’t” be bothering you, but it is. So be vulnerable and accept what it is. You’ll find that once this relationship problem (in your experience) is acknowledged and brought to your husband’s attention (e.g. “I’ve been noticing lately we haven’t had as much sex as I need. I didn’t know this, but I was confused and noticing other guys, I realized this is a real issue we need to resolve. I need more quality time and sex with you and I really miss that. It hurts me emotionally and I feel alone and abandoned by you without it. This is how seirous it is for me and I can’t live like that”)

Your husband will get the picture of how important something is to you and how you need it, or maybe he’ll apologize for it and put time into reversing this. Because he loves you and want to *keep* you happy with him like you always were.

 

(((NOTE: I chose “need more quality time/sex” as an example in this situation. This may or may not be like your situation. It could be anything else that you realized you need or in this stage of your lives you are experiencing less of for whatever reason, thus causing you to crush on other guys hard and giving it more weight than it deserves.))) “Limerance” is also a thing but unless you’ve felt in love with someone you barely know, than you are disqualified from Limerance lol even then it is because you are not happy about something in your love life or are experiencing severe lack in an important area in your love life.

 

You will be fine πŸ™‚ Things are just as they should be. You’re doing great <3 keep going in the right direction. You’re gonna laugh at this in a few monthhs πŸ™‚

Post # 19
Member
7713 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sunfire :  Great point.

OP, rather than feeling flattered when this guy gives you “long stares” and smiles meaningfully at you, you should honestly feel offended. Bear in mind that he is almost certainly doing the same thing to multiple other women. The fact that he does this around his wife too is just brazen – it makes me think this is just who he is: a creeper. This is not some situation where two people in committed relationships happen to get to know one another and gradually develop feelings (which would also be inappropriate, obviously); this sounds like a case of a married man going out of his way to deliberately flirt with a woman he doesn’t know at all because it boosts his ego. SKEEVY!

It’s honestly offensive; like who does he think he is that he can get women in committed relationships to swoon over him?

Post # 22
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

usernameanonymous :  Nice to see an update from you. Well why not try two small things: start dressing again like you’re still dating, not like a married mother. And, even though you might hate it, learn to love washing dishes by just doing them, and just clear the place up a bit.

Based on what you’ve said, dressing attractively even at home might help bring the passion back. And clearing up the dishes might make your husband a bit happier, which might lead to him giving you the big hugs and the nice words. Based on what you’ve written I know you probably don’t like wearing anything fancy especially not at home. So I’m aware that I’m suggesting stuff that you don’t like. But do consider the possible huge benefits.

Post # 23
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

Ugh, I feel bad for your new friend! Her husband seems like a total creeper. I bet he does this to a lot of other women he encounters.

I really encourage you to put this in perspective. This guy is married and is behaving inappropriately when his wife is around! What a slimeball. Why would you crush on somebody like that?

You seem to have a good friendship with his wife now. Continue to foster that and think of it this way – her husband’s a creep! Avoid spending time alone with him. Tell your own husband that you’re picking up a vibe from this guy. Remind yourself that he’s a dirtbag. 

ETA: Saw your update. I’m glad you’ve put this into perspective. Your husband sounds like an incredible man and you are very lucky. Great idea about date nights and more focus on your relationship. It’s so easy to feel like there isn’t enough passion and forget about the great things that made you fall in love with somebody. Sounds like you are doing the right things! 

Post # 24
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I definitely think that it can be really helpful to find something negative about your “crush” and really focus on how much you dislike that negative quality and how glad you are that your husband doesn’t have that quality. 

It does also sound like your relationship could use some revitalizing. Even better than a date night, are you able to plan a vacation? Some time just the two of you where you don’t have the obligations of everyday life. 

Post # 25
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

usernameanonymous :  

I amso happy for you on being aware and digging deep and finding out what really is the cause of your unhappiness lately. Bravo on making time for a date this Sunday! πŸ™‚ It will get better and better from here.

“It does make me feel slightly empty to know that nothing can happen anyway.”

..Ouch. It seems that what breaks your heart and is making you feel empty is feeling like you are undesirable. Your disappointment with “nothing can happen anyway” is really “no one is desiring me, I thought at least someone desired me and wanted to hold me.”

Remember this.

If your husband’s love language is Acts of service, he will do what it takes to make you feel desirable. You said he’d bring you the moon! Don’t let your fear of rejection (or *Assumption” of rejection) make you believe that you “can’t ask him to change.” or “He’ll never be the verbal diarrhea smothering hugs type.” You are asking him to *do something for you*.. not asking him to change. Reframe your narrative. Stop cutting yourself off of life lines. Your life line here is to be vulnerable with your husband. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be washing dishes and cleaning the house and bringing you a glass of wine so you can sit back while he washes up.

If he’d do anything for you, he’d surely hold you and tell you you’re beautiful if that’s all that was missing from your life. If he know that will make the difference between miserable and ephoric, he will want to do it.

But here’s the thing. These 2 (or more) things means SO MUCH to you that you’re scared to even verbalize how vital they are to you to your own Husband. And you were so happy and infatuated with the crush because you though “hey, i don’t even have to say it, because if i don’t have to say it that means it’s real. Someone finds me desirable!” which to you translates to “someone finds me lovable and deserving of love.”

This is where you are hurting yourself by your fears of rejection if you don’t find a way to communicate about this gently with your husband. So you have to communicate somehow. You have to affirm to yourself that you deserve this.

Just say to him how great he’s been, how much you appreciate him. That you love everything he does for you and they don’t go unnoticed. (don’t mention noticing other guys)
Let him know He makes so many things easy for you and you feel so lucky to have him in your life. And you really want to feel him even closer to you because you really miss him. Tell him that this is hard for you to say (you’re shy), but there’s a few things that can make the night the best night in a long time. You can tell him then anything, like how you wish you can have him hold youfor 3 hours tonight. You can laugh about it, but tell him sensually that you are serious. Tell him seductively you love it when he calls you beautiful.

And newsfalsh, He is that man that desires you. You have it all. You got to play the part of your ideal life with this role. See him as a man first, not your husband. Heck, you can ask tell him you’d do anything he wants in bed if he does X for you. Keep it seductive. and be creative about keeping this up.

Let us know how it goes or if you need more help. I have faith in you, I think you can figure this out :), you got to keep pushing yourself in creating the life you want for yourself instead of waiting for something to come along randomly to give you what you need. It is within your control. seduce your man in different ways AND tell him how much you need him. (if you’re too emotional about it, It’s ok if you cry in a vulnerable way about it, like tonight, but don’t do it on your date night. Do it privately or tonight with him, but letting him know how excited you two will have a date night tomorrow). On date night you should be ON. Sexy excited mode. Date night is for you to pull that man’s mind out of “home duties” mode and let him know you want him (or for his love style, you can say that you need a man to do X and say X to you. And that you are “willing to do anything to make him happy,” in return.

Post # 29
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

usernameanonymous :  Yes you did it! Woohoo! Wasn’t so bad was it! πŸ˜€ yay for those tears!! πŸ˜€ You tenderly opened up your heart to your man. It takes courage and trust. this is all you needed, and you’re absolutely right, he would’ve been there for you sooner if you spoke to him sooner, but you needed to reflect first, so this is a success. There’s nothing more vulnerable and powerful than exposing your heart like this. And it makes him feel trusted too, like he is your knight in shining armour. πŸ™‚ Keep this up with anything in your relationship. You’ll be in love with each other forever πŸ™‚ 

I’m Soooooo glad to help, read as often as you like, good idea πŸ™‚ I know many of us need this reminder too πŸ™‚

And onnn with your happily ever after!

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