(Closed) When you’re just not hungry anymore… losing desire to be engaged, or with him?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like you know what you want.  You were excited before about becoming engaged (and essentially becoming a family), but now that he is “waiting for his mother to come around” it doesn’t sound so promising.  It is ok to be confused and scared.  You can care about a person and love someone…but not be in love with them or necessarily want that future with them.  You are a mother and therefore, you need to look out for yourself and for your child.  To me, it sounds like you moved past this relationship a bit and would potentially be happier without it – particularly since you have not really have any intimacy or even close connected emotional moments in quite a while.  Think about how you really feel.  Don’t stay because you are comfortable there – stay because you really want to be with him and because you want a future with him.  You want a family and a marriage, but that doesn’t mean it has to be your current SO if you don’t think it is right.  Or maybe it is right and you are scared about what happened before in your other relationship.  No one but you can make this decision.  Best of luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@tobin: Are you another Aotearoa bee?

I’ve had IL problems too (luckily things seem to have been mended) and the whole thing made me feel sick. I am feeling much better and back in that hungry phase… maybe that will happen for you too?

Post # 6
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Does he know you feel this way? I’m only asking because men are dense and he may not realize completely that waiting has pushed you away. Because it sounds like you feel like he puts his family (bio) first and you’re afraid of never being first or having to wait for his mother’s approval, etc, and I can see that as a HUGE concern especially as you have a child.

Family can and will always complicate (for better or for worse) a marriage, a relationship, etc. Sometimes it can cloud the good or camouflage the bad, depends.

I think you should clue him into this and keep thinking about how you really feel and if it’s about your actual feelings changing…or your expectations not being met. I think it could make a difference. Just my .02.

Post # 8
384 posts
Helper bee

Although I hate to admit it and writing this is very hard – I have had some “doubts” lately.   I think we waiting bees get tired of waiting and it does push you away or at the very least make you question what’s going on.  I’ve been with my SO 2 years and 2 months, and I know he loves me dearly, I know he wants to be with me forever (he even said so), but he’s so marriage “shy” due to the TRAUMATIC experience he had with ex wife that he’s really into taking it very slow.  Which, was fine with me in the beginning.   She had mental problems that he didn’t know about before they were married and boy did they come out!!  The stories he tells me are absolutely iNSANE.  As far as marriage, he tells me that he is not saying “never” but he wants to do it when he’s ready.  Apparently he was “pushed” into the last one – she just started telling everyone they were getting married and he hadn’t proposed nor had they even talked about it.  He said he got sucked into it and resisted but she was very persuasive and very very aggressive.  Plus she comes from a millionnaire family so she stood to inherit 3 million $.    He said he “knew” he was making a mistake but didn’t listen to his intuition.    so, he wants to be the one to decide when and he wants to do it at his own pace.  We’re moving in together, so I’m going to simply see how that goes, enjoy our love, and not bring it up again until I KNOW it’s time to tell him to shit or get off the pot.  I don’t think I’m in a hurry anymoe.  Or either I’m just sick of waiting.


Oh – sorry for the rant…

I am not at the point of “wondering” that you seem to be, but I know exactly how you feel.  It makes you feel guilty and sad for even thinking this way.  I’ve had a couple instances where I “looked” at other guys but have 0 desire to pursue and wouldn’t.  I love my SO, and I am still very very hopeful.  He’s so good to me and is such a great guy.  We’re very intimate and I don’t want the relationship to go away…..

but i do feel the frustration of wondering “if” and “when” he’ll be ready.  i think this can push someone away for sure.

Why don’t you take a “break” – sounds like you kind of have.  Can you get away alone for awhile to think.   A long or even short vacation to sort out your feelings?  Just a thought. 


Post # 9
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Before my fiance proposed I started thinking a little like that. I honestly believe I was trying to protect myself. We’d been dropping hints and discussing marriage and the wedding for 18 months, it got to a point where I thought “well, I guess he thinks the talk will hold me over” so I stubbornly sort of prepared myself for a worst case scenario. A good relationship is based on communication, so tell him. Tell him you’re starting to lose faith and wonder what’s really going on. Maybe you two need a mini vacation or something. Good luck.

Post # 10
384 posts
Helper bee

I agree with cosmocity – I think it’s at least partly a defense mechanism.  I’ve been feeling that way about me lately.  Good to hear someone else say that.

Post # 11
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Cosmocity too. I was feeling that way a few months ago.

Post # 13
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can understand this. It is hard to say if it is a “red flag” or just protecting yourself.

I think a vacation with him, or some time just the two of you can help you understand what you’re feeling better.

Tell him how you feel, he loves you, and if he’s the one you can marry, he will understand and talk to you. If he can’t understand, or pushes you away, you may be better without him anyway. You are going to encounter much harder things in a marriage and this is a good way to tell if you are a good match. 

I am so sorry though. that is so scary and so hard!! (((HUGS)))

Post # 14
174 posts
Blushing bee

I think there’s a level of resentment that grows when you are waiting, b/c you’re ready to move forward and he is “holding you back” from the life you want (the engaged/married life).  And it grows from the fact that there is a subconscious hurt for those women who have been waiting for so long, b/c it seems like he doesn’t “love you” as much as you feel about him.

I can’t say I haven’t had to “rethink” some things recently during my waiting stage.  I haven’t looked at other men, but I’ve questioned whether he really is the man for me (b/c if he is, then why isn’t he on the same page).  But I think you just consistently have to ask yourself “do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.”  And the answer to that question will tell you what you need to do.

Post # 15
57 posts
Worker bee

I understand this feeling too.  I think it is due to the hurt you feel from waiting knowing that you are ready and want to marry him now and he isn’t ready.  Even though the “I’m not ready” feeling may have nothing to do with me its hard not to take it personal because I feel like if he loved me as much as I love him he would be ready.  I think being with someone who takes so long to just propose all ready kind of wears you down too.  Its just so emotionally exhausting to want something so bad and for so long.  I think that is where I am at right now.  I am just too emotionally tired right now to even care.  I guess that makes the waiting easier now that I don’t feel like I have to bring up marriage every two seconds.  But like you I am afraid the resentment is totally going to push me away until I don’t even want to be with him anymore.  I never even imagined I would feel that way a year ago.

Post # 16
302 posts
Helper bee

I went through this earlier this year. I was getting to my breaking point and was afraid that maybe he didn’t want me.  Then i started thinking that maybe I hadn’t dated enough (I know now that I have, but it was just part of my spazmic thoughts at the time). Cosmocity is right–waiting too long makes you question the relationship and you feel you need to protect yourself. I easily could have sabotaged a good thing. It got to the point where I had to make that decision–break up with him or keep the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I almost made the wrong choice.  Why?  Because I was freaking out.  I knew I wanted to marry him but because we weren’t there yet (mainly due to $) I was having doubts.  I think it is normal, to an extent.  As long as you know what you really want, you have to go with your gut. My gut was telling me that I would be the biggest idiot if I let the most wonderful man go–so I didn’t, and now, months later, we are doing better than ever. 

Part of the problem was that we weren’t communicating the best.  I wanted to be married so bad, and he knew I wanted to get married, but I don’t know how much.  Now that I know he knows and we have discussed our wants, needs, fears, and everything in between I feel so much better about us. 

Make sure you don’t keep anything out of your conversations and go with your gut.  If you still feel this way in a few weeks or a month, then you really need to analyze your situation. If it starts feeling better, go with it and enjoy your relationship.  It can and will get better if you allow it to.

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