Post # 1
I’m not sure if I”m looking for advice or just to vent. Appreciate any feedback though 🙂
I went through a bad breakup 7 months ago. With him for 5 years, we were on the verge of getting engaged (according to him) when he cheated on me and left me for the other woman, breaking up with me over text and cutting off all communiation with me. Afterwards, a lot of his lies surfaced, and that was hard. It was excruciatingly painful at the beginning, hoidays were hard, all that typical stuff. Slowly but surely though I can feel myself letting go. But I sitll have moments or days of intense sadness and/or anger, or moments where my mind wanders back to what happened – is this normal? I’ve had a few friends tell me I should be fully over it after 7 months. Or that I should be dating again (I think I’m almost there but maybe not quite). I’m not in the emotional state I was in at month 1 or 2, but I still don’t feel fully “healed” if that makes sense. To make matters worse, my 30th birthday is approaching and I feel pressure of not being where I “should” be in life. I thought I’d have found my partner in crime by now. A few ladies at work have made comments that if you haven’t gotten married by 30, it’s near impossible to find someone. Although I don’t want to just marry some random guy without taking my time to fully heal, that thought depresses me. I have a wonderful family so I’m thankful for that, it’s just this other stuff bothering me.
Any advice from anybody who’s been in my shoes? When and how did you fully heal from a bad breakup, and deal with the fear of a lonely future?
This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by carmens.
Post # 2
Coming from someone who is 35…I truly feel like I kind of came into my own at about 31. I felt like I had my life together more than ever before. And then I went through the breakup from Hell. And it took me about 6 months to kind of get back in to dating. And a few months after that I met my current SO. In retrospect, I don’t think I was totally ready to get back into a serious relationship, but he was so patient and respectful and amazing that he just gave me the time and space I needed. And about 6 months into our relationship I realized I was all in. So…maybe 14 months before I was totally ready to commit myself whole heartedly to someone new. It wasn’t great of me to drag him along at first, but I’m so glad he was patient with me and let me sort stuff out because now he is the best partner I could ever ask for, and he is who I want to spend my life with. And he loves me even though I have a pretty rough relationship history…he doesn’t hold anything against me.
Post # 3
I haven’t been in your shoes exactly – I broke up with my ex, and there was no cheating involved. However, I think it still took some time to fully move past it.
In terms of people who say “A few ladies at work have made comments that if you haven’t gotten married by 30, it’s near impossible to find someone,” that is complete BS. I had been with my ex for two years and was almost 29 when I ended it. I met my SO when I 30 (almost a year ago). When you turn 30, your life doesn’t end! There is hope 🙂
Post # 4
Your friends are wrong to diminish your emotions.
Everyone heals differently and at different times. You were with this guy for 5 years, and after all that he shattered your trust by cheating on you. It’s going to take some time to heal and get over that, and that takes exactly as long as you need it to. No one is allowed to strong arm you into something you aren’t ready for.
I’m a year and a half out from a horrible break-up from my ex-FI of six years, myself. And honestly, I dated way too soon after we parted ways. I wish I had waited to recover my confidence and independence before I had done that. I almost ended up engaged AGAIN to someone completely wrong for me and who had taken advantage of my pretty shattered emotional state.
As for the ladies in your office–don’t listen to them about being unable to find love at 30 and beyond. It’s far better to be single and happy than strapped to someone you settled for out of fear of being alone. I was scared of being alone too, but holy shit was I miserable with my last ex, and being strapped to a man who refused to do anything with his life and didn’t care about me or my goals and interests was absolutely not worth it.
Post # 5
Healing is an individual process. It’s bound to take a while, and don’t feel guilty about your feelings! Your feelings are valid. Drop the timeline of where you “should” be. Just be where you are, and work towards tomorrow. A lot of people feel they only just get a grip on life in their 30s.
I ended things with my ex after things were dragging on for ages and I knew they shouldn’t have. I think it helped to be the one in the driver’s seat — so the fact that your relationship ended abruptly will absolutely add to the time it takes to get over it. I went into dating (when I “felt ready”) with the idea that the moment I stopped having fun and enjoying myself, I’d move on and stop seeing that person. And it was only by chance that the next guy I started dating changed my world. I was open to new things, and honest with myself and my SO. It paved the way for a much happier, healthier relationship.
The thing about healing is this — don’t go faster than you can handle. Feel the feelings, complete the cycle of stress, mourning, regret, and any other feelings you’re experiencing. They’ll go away once you do.
Best of luck!
Post # 6
I was waaaaayyyyy over 30 when I met my now dh.
Post # 7
7 months is not that long of a time. After my last breakup, I don’t think I started dating until about 8 or 9 months after. It just took me awhile to get there.
The work ladies who have suggested your dating life ends at 30 can suck it. Let me guess, they married their hs or college sweethearts at age 23. They’re prob just bored and bitter at this point and are making comments like that to feel better about themselves.
At any rate, when you’re ready (and there is no hard and fast rule about when you *should* be ready), create an online dating profile. I guarantee you will get tons of messages from guys in your age range. Even if you don’t end up dating any of them long term, it will still reassure you that there is hope! Because there absolutely is.
When I was single (at age 28-29) after my last breakup, I actually loved the period of just not knowing what would happen in my future in terms of romance. Every day could be the day you meet your soul mate! So many possibilities! I found it exciting and invigorating, particularly after being stuck in a hopeless, dead-end relationship with my ex for so long (although of course it can also be depressing at times, particularly after a bad date). Anyway, met my Fiance in a total chance encounter shortly after turning 29.
Post # 8
I’m in my late 30’s. I’d be miserable and/or divorced if I married any of the guys I dated in my 20’s. I did not get married until I was 37. It will all work out.
Post # 9
They say that it takes half of the time you were with someone to completely move on, so don’t bee too hard on yourself if you still feel down from time to time.
As for the women at work, do not listen to them. This is 2016 and 30 is the new 20. You have time my friend, enjoy the adventure.
Post # 10
I was in your shoes for a long time when I was separating/divorcing my exhusband. It takes time, some longer than other, but you’ll get better! 😉
I was also 32 when I met my now Fiance. 30 is the new 20!
Post # 11
My ex fiance cheated on me so I know how it feels to end a relationship abruptly. I started dating about 3 months later, which looking back was probably a bit soon but at the time I really was ready to move on. I think the healing process is different for everyone. I knew I was moving in the right direction when I had more good days than bad, when I could fall asleep at night without either crying or repeating everything that happened over and over. I also stopped questioning myself about what I could have done differently. I think overall it took around 6 months before I really felt like myself again.
Post # 12
It takes as long as it takes. There’s no number you can put on it.
I think sometimes you will never completely get over someone especially when you shared so much of your life with them and had a good relationship. But you can get to a point where they no longer hinder your ability to date and move on.
Especially when you’ve got stuff like infidelity it can take longer and you may be left with more scars but those can be worked on too.
The important thing is you focusing on you and being the best you, you can be. The rest will follow.
Post # 13
I met DH at 38. Ironically, that was around the same time I had my collective shit together. 🙂
And what you are experiencing is normal. You had a major trauma. I hate the statement move on because that is inaccurate. You do not move on from something like that. What you do is COPE, LEARN, and move FORWARD. But you will always remember it. Be determined to make it a learning opportunity so you are quick to separate the wheat from the chaff in your dating life.
Don’t be bothered by other people’s opinions/experiences/whatever. Maybe that’s the way they see it or the way it happened to them, but it won’t be that way for you…because you are you. Not them.
Post # 14
so you dont get over someone even if you find the ‘one’ who was 100x better? I am asking because I sure hope I can move on fully. the idea of reminiscing of someone toxic is scary
Post # 15
I went through horrible break up and I was cheated on also but we were only dating for about a year and half when I started hearing things that I wasn’t expecting and couldn’t believe it! It took me about 2 years to start dating again because he ended up stocking me for about a year and our last conversation in person at his house he was loading and unloading a gun while crying! I ended up running out of there! He was total nightmare to get rid of!
I am in happy relationship now and have been together for 3.5 years and getting married in October which will make it 4 years!
When you get hurt it takes longer to heal! Take your time and maybe try casual dating! Have Fun!