Post # 1
I’ve been patiently (and quietly) waiting for my mother to get interested in my wedding for nearly a year now. For background, my parents are paying for the reception my FI’s family are paying for all the ceremony costs and transport and we are paying for everything else including photography, invites and flowers. Just when I thought she was coming round to it, had finally stopped telling us to elope and flew here 6 weeks out to supposedly help out with the planning…she has taken every step possible to try and minimize the part of it that’s about us getting married. She’s kicked up at our entrance to the reception (“embarassing”), first dance (“too cheesy”), cake cutting (“boring”), speeches (instead she wants various guests to do little performances, sing songs etc so that it “doesn’t feel like a wedding”), and on and on.
The breaking point was when she tried to invite some acquaintances of hers who I have never even met – I have invited every family friend she wanted over the past 12 months without demur, but when the first mention of these people was 5 weeks before the wedding, because they would be good business contacts for me and other members of the family, I had to put my foot down and said I would prefer that we had a separate dinner with them instead. In response I got an email saying that all she wants to do is invite her friends, and if this was just going to be “our wedding” then it should just be us and our friends and she wasn’t coming! What was she expecting when we were inviting her other 25 friends, you know, our wedding?
I tried to compromise by saying she could invite these people we’d never met after the other, already invited guests RSVP (trying to take the personal stuff out of the argument, make out like it was a space and budget thing, and I had already agreed a limit with my dad). In response I got a text saying she was at the airport and would see me the day of the wedding – she is supposed to be hosting her own dinner beforehand for some of the guests, so I know she is just being a drama queen. But still! Luckily my FH is 100% supportive of me, and kept me from calling her and saying some stuff I might regret later.
What I am finding most upsetting is that she has always been one of the grown-ups – and now she is behaving like a child. I feel like the foundations are rocking a little bit. I’ve heard people say that weddings are a time when your relationship with your parents changes and becomes more adult – well, I feel like it’s turning into a total role reversal and she’s taken her toys and gone home.
Anyone else have this weird, queasy upside-down feeling when they realized they were behaving more like an adult than their own mother?
Post # 3
yes! i think you’re talking about my mom!! maybe you and i are sisters? lol
my mom is trying to tell me who i’ve got to invite and who i shouldn’t..how i should have my wedding, where we should have it, why we shouldn’t have it at a certain place, making comments like “omg that’s so expensive! excuse me.”, “you can have it at a pavilion” “why would you spend money on THAT?!” YET she neverrrrrr shares in my excitement over the wedding she like hardly talks about it with me and when I bring it up to her she couldn’t sound any less interested. It really upsets me because this is supposed to be an exciting thing and it means a lot to me. I see my other friends families acting soo involved and so happy for the soon to be’s and mine is the opposite. I’m finally getting to the point where I don’t even care anymore. Like you, my parents are also chipping in, they’re giving a specific amount of money. Anyway good luck to you!!! I hope she gets her act together for you!
Post # 4
What a mess. “Make it not like a wedding”? What? She’s acting like such a child that I think you should hold on to your dignity and ignore her, talk to your dad about wedding stuff that needs to be coordinated with parents, and wait for her to come to her senses. At least if you don’t sink to her level you can have some good memories of the wedding planning.
Post # 5
Thanks so much for your comments ladies – really nice to know I’m not the crazy one!
@MrsErinBoucher, I hope you can find another member of your family to take your mother’s place – I know it can’t be the same which is so disappointing, but my aunts and my godmother are just as excited as I could ever have hoped and it is so much fun to discuss things with them. Unfortunately it highlights how disinterested my mother is in comparison
@hopewell, I’ll be taking your advice for sure…keep the memories sweet, that will be my mantra.
Update – I finally bit the bullet, decided to be the grown-up and called my parents and said that I didn’t want this to be a major issue between us, so if it was really important to them that these people came who I had never met, I was ok with it because I didn’t want there to be any drama.
Then, I asked for these address so I could mail them an invitation – and my dad cleared his throat and said (to his credit, a little sheepishly) “Oh, don’t worry about that – they’re already coming.” They went ahead and invited these random people I don’t know, even though I was still saying they couldn’t com! My parents just assumed they could walk all over me.
Ugh it makes me so mad. It’s very clear that they consider this “their party” and my wedding is just coincidentally happening on the same day. I really am looking forward to the rest of my family and friends arriving – at least they’ll make a fuss over US and hopefully ignore my parents who can sit in a corner somewhere and entertain the people I’ve never met.
Post # 6
1. Story. of. my. life.
2. Glad you were the “bigger person” but how aggravating that they’d invited those people anyway. I am sure you are right that most people will understand whose day it really is!
Post # 7
Wow is all I have to say about their behavior. I like the idea of almost two separate parties (sit in the corner! lol). If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t include my parents in stuff during the day itself, like helping me get dressed, and if they complained, say “you made your priorities clear and they’re not me so I got better support” (but I’m passive-aggressive like that). Thank goodness you have other great people around you, keep your focus on them. Good luck!