(Closed) Where are your boundaries?

posted 11 years ago in Family
  • poll: How much about your relationship (woes) do you share?

    Keep mum with Mom (We're grownups and can resolve our issues privately)

    Spill to SIL (They're family! They just want to help!)

    A tad with Dad (A tactful summary is really all that is ever necessary....)

  • Post # 3
    2018 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    i’m on your side. if you have an argument and he needs to hash it out with a close friend, that’s one thing, but spilling the details of your relationship to his family is inappropriate in my view.

    Post # 4
    309 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    My boundary fo this sort of thing has more to do with how things are presented. I’ll discuss an argument with my mom or sister, but I’m careful not to make him look like the bad guy.  I expect the same from him.

    Post # 5
    5323 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think it varies with each of our families. I censor what I tell my mom at times because she broadcasts things to the world not realizing that maybe it’s something I’d like to keep private. My dad can’t keep a secret for the life of him, but he doesn’t divulge personal stuff. My sister loves to gossip (lol) but if I told her something was private she wouldn’t say anything.

    DH’s mom and brother are fine to talk to, but I don’t tell them everything. DH’s stepmother is the BIG meddler. She literally creates problems that don’t exist and then sits in the middle of them flinging mud. She LOVES drama. Unfortunately we recently had to cut her out of our lives for the time being, it was just way too much to deal with.

    It sounds like you should have a conversation with your Fiance and remind him you don’t want the whole family knowing every little detail of your relationship. It sounds like it’s really bothering you and starting to affect your relationship, so I would let him know that.

    Post # 6
    7321 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I have my mom and my best friend to vent to. Everyone else knows pretty much nothing. That’s the way it should be, otherwise everyone is in your business, you become a target of gossip and it leads to stress and resentment.

    He needs to respect your wishes here.

    Post # 7
    236 posts
    Helper bee

    Yikes, I feel for you! I too am very private and do not believe in talking about relationship issues to family. I am very select when it comes to WHAT friends I even discuss an agruement or fight with but when it comes to family, they are def off limits and I expect my DH to do the same. I feel like when you bring family into stuff like that it just opens doors that shouldn’t be opened.

    I have a great family and they never make assumptions and they aren’t the type to tell me I am right just because they are my family, HOWEVER, a lot of families aren’t like that, and more so mothers with their sons. When my DH and I first started dating, he too would speak about minor little relationship bumps to his Mom and sister, and when I say minor, I think it was only 1 MINOR disagrement, you would have thought I was a monster because that is all his mother took away from it. My DH and I now have an agreement that our issues our stay between US and no family is too be involved. We are grown adults and can work through things together as a couple.

    Post # 8
    3467 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think there are a couple things to point out…

    1st. your Fiance is to take and hold his loyalty to you!.. ya’ll have to become ONE! So he should NEVER talk about you in an ill will to ANYONE.. including his family.


    2nd. I’m a firm believer in trusted counsel. I think that if your Fiance can look at all sides of the issue AND not talk “bad” about you, then talking it out with someone else (a parent or someone of the same sex, a guy) to find what he can do to fix it is okay.

    First and foremost though his loyalty is to you, so until he can discuss any issue about you and him in regards to always seeing the best in you and possibly the worst in him, then he shouldn’t talk it out with others.

    Post # 9
    3330 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I tell my mom pretty much everything. She’s not a gossip, and I really rely on her experience.

    That said, I wouldn’t tell gossipy relatives about problems! You should definitely tell your Fiance he needs to keep it quiet.

    Post # 10
    303 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    It stays between us.

    One bad thing about your Fiance going to his family is that this can permenently tarnish their view of you since this is their kid.  Some can keep it from going that far but some can’t.

    Post # 11
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee

    If we have a disagreement,I never talk to my family about it. Ever. I go to my mom for advice about a lot of things, but never relationship issues. I just feel like its too personal and should be kept between us. I also would never want to tarnish his relationship with my family, or paint him in a bad light just because I am annoyed with him.

    Post # 13
    151 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    While your Fiance is certainly entitled to confide in and seek guidance from someone about these issues, his confidants should not be his family, and for the exact problems you’ve spelled out. If he goes to them with your issues, his family will end up resenting you. They will hear all these negative things, and because they’re his family and on his side, they won’t think very well of you. This is a huge problem, as I’m sure you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with his family harboring bad feelings toward you. 

    Your Fiance needs to stop going to anyone in his family with these issues and instead take them to a close friend, and it’s even better if this person knows both of you. Unlike your FI’s family, this person won’t necessarily side with him, but hopefully, will be able to see both of your perspectives and offer sound advice for how to actually solve the situation. Above all else, you and your Fiance need to be very careful about who they turn to as confidants because of the potential issues of resentment that you are now experiencing. 

    Post # 14
    3467 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    He defintiely needs to find another source for his counsel. His parents are not going to understand the logistics of ya’lls relationship (culturally being apart of another country) & since they don’t know you that can definitely affect their view about you.

    BUT… (even though I believe in outside counsel) if your Fiance can’t talk from the right perspective then he needs to not talk to anyone. Talking “his side” will not help him resolve anything… all that is is a pity party.

    Definitely praying for you guys that it can be resolved and that the strife will diminish and you two can be more unified 😉

    Post # 15
    869 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Both he and I will talk to friends, but we try to keep family out of the drama. I tend to find that involving family only makes a situation worse, espeically when you are in the heat of the moment. I usually only go to my mom when I have something serious to discuss because she gives great advice. I keep my mouth shut about small arguments though.

    Post # 16
    2811 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2004

    Put a stop to it now.  I am a very private person and the thought of my dirty laundry out there for everyone to see makes me crazy.  I can tell you from personal experience that it will be hard to recover those relationships once he has painted you in a bad light with them. 

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