(Closed) Where art thou, oh Maid of Honor?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

That sounds horrible and scary for you.

I would say that you should do everything in your power to keep the lines of communication open with her.  You may want to be firm with her or angry, but really she needs to feel like there is someone non-judgmental who she can contact.  It may be that you know that you can’t be that person for her, but it would be great if you could.

When is your wedding?  Is she still in the same area or did she move away?  Can you use bridesmaid dresses as a hook to see her for an afternoon?  

You probably already know that abusers like to keep their victims isolated from friends and family who might throw them a lifeline.  If you need further resources or information, let me know.

Post # 4
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Oh wow, I feel for you.  This is a very tough situation.  First, I must preface this with letting you know that what I’m giving you is MY opinion, so just take it for what it’s worth!

I think that kicking her out of your wedding would be the wrong thing to do.  Since you do have email contact with her, I would email her the date, time, and location of where everyone is meeting to start dress shopping. Let her know that you’d really like her to be there and be part of the decsion.  If she shows up – great, if not then pick the dress without her and email her the final info so she can order her dress.  Do your best to make her feel included, but don’t make her feel bad when she can’t be there.

If her relationship with her boyfriend is abusive, then you don’t need to add any more stress to her life.  By letting her know you want her there and giving her opportunities to be involved, then she gets to make the choices (which may give her a sense of empowerment she does not have in her relationship).  Take it one day/step at a time. If she gets involved then be happy, if she doesn’t you need to know that you did all you could without forcing her into it. 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Post # 7
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Could you get some money together and buy her one of those pay-as-you-go phones so you can keep in touch with her? The cost might be worth the peace of mind.

Post # 9
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry august.  I’m scared for her.  Can you and some other family go to Alabama to see her, check on her?  I’ve never been involved in anyone close being abused.  Let us know what happens.  Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

@august- I should have figured out when your wedding is!

I wanted to include a link about supporting friends/family experiencing domestic violence.  This one has some good advice, though probably stuff you already know.

http://www.doorwaysva.org/what/help_friend.cfm

Post # 12
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I know sort of what your going through…but it wasnt my wedding year that she ran away. But my little sister actually ran away when she was about 15-16 yrs old. Shes back now living with my dad but her bf just got out of jail! And my parents dont seem to be great influences beacuse my dad has her bf at his house!! My mom kicked her out a few months ago because they didnt know if she or her bf was taking money from them but now my dad has them at his house!! Lovely! But I hope she turns up and gets rid of her boyfriend. Why dont girls know that there is a much better life for them?

Post # 14
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I agree with others; you may feel like you want to just kick her out but she may or may not be in crisis right now, and you need to keep a friendly line of communication open. If she is in an abusive relationship, alone with her abuser, she needs to feel like there is one person at home she can call who won’t judge her and will just be willing to help. The wedding is really secondary; luckily you have another sister who can fill the Maid/Matron of Honor role.

Post # 15
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I have not read any other responses so if I am repeating sorry!

I think for 1 keep her updated on everything dresses, flowers, etc keep all lines of communication open. I think that if you keep telling her updates she will realize how important she is to you and hopefully will come back.

Second I think you should order her dress (guess size) and tell her you ordered it knowing she was not around to get measured and you hope it fits and can’t wait to see her in it! Then she may feel more important and opt to come for the wedding and come back.

You need to be a helping hand with this. People in relationships like that are manipulated and think that is the only option for them. Some families, I don’t know you or your family so I am not saying this is how you are, but, some families tend to yell and scream and demand they come back. I think by keeping things light and friendly it will make her feel more welcome. I hope everything works our and I hope all works out well!!

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