(Closed) Where do I go from here, should we end our engagement?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2756 posts
Sugar bee

I think anyone who consistently brings up your history of abuse and uses it against you is not someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. I am a childhood abuse survivor and have abandonment issues – Fiance knows it all and has never, ever used it against me, even in my worst moments.

It’s hard when you get into a relationship so young and that’s all you know. Even harder when you have a life binding you to one another – your daughter. But think about what’s best for her: two parents who stay together, fight constantly and are unhappy or two parents who are able to seek out people to truly love. My mom and stepdad stayed together for so long because of the kids, and it was worse that way (imo) because all they did was fight and scream then have weird make-up periods where everything was okay before it went to hell again.

Constant cold feet is a huge red flag: it’s your mind telling you that what you’re doing isn’t right. I know you love him, you probably always will, but he doesn’t sound like the kind of person you want to stay with forever. I would urge you to do some serious thinking and maybe even make a pro/con list of your relationship. It sounds weird, but sometimes pro/con lists can help you to see what’s really going on.

You shouldn’t have to settle, and it sounds like that is exactly what you’re doing. One thing you said really made me think: “Will he be the man I fell in love with when all of this is over?” You two met when you were still kids. Though you grew up fast because of your daughter, you are both still in a developmental stage (seriously – your brain isn’t finished developing yet!) and you’re going to change a lot over the next few years. Chances are, he will never be the person you fell in love with because you fell in love with the adolescent version of him.

Give yourself a chance for true happiness. True happiness isn’t wondering when it’ll be good again or being emotionally blackmailed by the one person who’s always supposed to have your back.

Post # 4
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

A pair of rings has never and will never fix fundamental personal issues and relationship issues. You need to take a time out. Give yourselves 1 year for individual and couples counseling. Note: You both need individual counseling. After that year, see where you stand as a person, evaluate whether or not your relationship is meeting your current needs, and ask yourself whether your relationship is something that will help you continue to grow and become and even better person. Because if your relationship does not nurture you and encourage you to be even better than you are today, then it is not the relationship that you should be in for the rest of your life. Don’t hold yourself back out of the fear of change and the challenges of being fully independent. If you do, you will resent everything and your child will experience a lot of unnecessary negativity. It’s not healthy for anyone.

Post # 5
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I couldn’t agree more with the PPs.  They are right on.

Post # 7
4477 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Is he willing to go to counseling?

Post # 8
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I want so badly to be in love with him like I once was.

This kind of answers it to me.  You aren’t in love with him like you were.  I agree its difficult because of your daughter, but do you want her brought up in a house where her parents are constantly fighting and resenting each other?

Post # 9
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

 I so badly want an engagement full of deep, crazy love. I want so badly to be in love with him like I once was.

I think this says a lot. Dont settle for a love less than you deserve. At most, postpone any talks of marriage until you both receive counseling individually and then pre-marital counseling of some sort.

I wish you the best.


Post # 11
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I commend the two of you for staying together and trying to make it work, but it sounds like both of you need some time to grow and figure out what you actually want in life. 

Of course you’re going to have cold feet.  Making the responsible decision to keep and raise your daughter doesn’t erase the fact that you are 21 (and 23 for him) and yearn to explore life a bit more.

Can I suggest that you don’t look for the love that you once had for him?  Teenage/first love/young love is intense.  It is SUPER intense.  But it doesn’t last, it can’t. Focus on your daughter, focus on harnessing your temper and resolving your issues.  Focus on bettering yourself and get him to do the same.  Because if you do, you might find yourself falling back into love again as “adults”.  And you might find you like it better.

Sorry if I sound harpy and condescending.  I really don’t mean to.  It just sounds like you two want to make this work, and if you can give yourselves a bit of time and space to grow and mature and explore, then you’ll both come out in better place, for you AND your daughter.

Good luck.  And try to get into counselling! 

Post # 12
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Don’t try and salvage this engagement for the wrong reasons. IMO you shouldn’t even be thinking about getting married until you two learn how to communicate, compromise, and keep your emotions/tempers in check. Not to mention figure out if you do truly love this man or if you’re just hoping to rekindle something that isn’t there anymore.

If you’re going to live together as a family, then your daughter deserves an environment where her parents can put their pettiness aside and handle their problems like adults. If you two can’t learn to do that, well, maybe he shouldn’t be living with you.

Post # 13
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you owe it to yourselves and your daughter to get some serious counseling (individual and couple’s) before you move forward with the wedding/engagement. It’s great that you are both open to counseling, and I think that will help you two figure out your goals. I think it’s a bit premature to recommend breaking up altogether, but I do think it’s important to be sure that you are not just staying together for your child. The best thing you could do for your child to build a happy life, whether that is with your SO or alone. 

Post # 14
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

A pair of rings has never and will never fix fundamental personal issues and relationship issues.”

@lovekiss:  I couldn’t agree more with this.  

Post # 15
1133 posts
Bumble bee

My  best friend is literally in the same situation, although they are not engaged. She gripes to him about a ring but I know she doesn’t really WANT it. I think she thinks it will help them in some way. It’s like desperation. It doesn’t sound like you are in love with him and you may be there out of convenience and comfortability. And the love for your daughter you both probably share. I don’t know, it’s hard to judge other people’s relationships but that’s just my two cents!

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