Where do we go from here? Break or break up?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Part of me thinks that he feels like this relationship is over but is having a hard time being upfront about it. I’d stop having sex with him, sometimes it can bring a false sense of closeness and if it’s not working out it will just hurt more. It sounds like he needs a break, but is that what you want? I’m sorry bee.

Post # 3
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

It’s over. The best thing you can do is try to move on and stop contacting him.

Post # 4
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Sex is such a huge part of a relationship. It doesn’t surprise me that the two of you are having issues at the same time you haven’t been able to be intimate. It’s not the most important part, but it shouldn’t be dismissed. 

 But maybe a break wouldn’t be a bad idea? Agree to take some space for a couple of weeks (but not see other people) and then make plans to have dinner somewhere? That might help get some clarity. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You both sound young and immature. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. And neither of you should be awkward around the other-you’ve been together for a year!!!

Definitely cut your losses and walk away from this.

Post # 6
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

hallynn :  huh. I went back to read your other post that you said provided the backstory and I’m not exactly impressed by your SO either. I mean yes, I see why PPs told you to work on your anxiety (I’m glad you’re doing it!) and all that jazz but I think that BOTH of you showed your scars and ‘ugly’ parts during that time. It seems, however, like only YoURS are being highlighted now. It’s like you hit a rough patch and the uglies came out and afterwards only you’re at fault.

You’re not. He has now withdrawn ALL affection and there’s something punitive about going places with you (the hotel, hike, etc) and not responding to your bids/offerings for/of affection at all, then highlighting how IF only you’d been ‘better’ before he wouldn’t be acting this way. Just as you weren’t really taking responsibility for your anxiety in your first thread, he’s not taking responsibility for his cruelty now. You may have dealt the first blow but he keeps hitting back and telling you it’s just reactive to what you did before. Nuh uh Bee. 

This is what I’d do in your shoes. I’d sit him down and tell him that you’ve already apologized for your shortcomings, have offered to make amends and have offered several reparative actions. You’re already taking charge of the personal issues that were painfully brought to the surface by the rough patch. However, his in/actions now are hurting the relationship JUST AS MUCH now. His indifference and withdrawal of affection is downright cruel. And so, you’ve realized that the only way that you could be with him is if he actually wants to be with you too working as a team, not adversaries, to overcome this. If he pulled the victim card out again I’d leave. 

Post # 8
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

hallynn :  Ok, so it was great before, but now it’s not and there is significant stress on the relationship.  You can’t ignore that.  The issues you describe are not something that you can solve by going into therapy, or that a break would help you get clarity from.  It doesn’t matter that his living situation changed or that work is stressful…hun, that’s real life.  He is showing you his true colors right now.   Significant others show their true colors when they are at their worst.  In life stressors come at you from all directions.  It doesn’t matter if you’re 23 or 53, there will be things that challenge any relationship.  Job loss.  Job stress.  Health issues.  Financial issues.  Family issues.

I think you are grasping at straws for what this relationship was and you want it to go back to what it was.  Yet, it’s not that easy.  Him not saying “I love you” back because it’s “just hard right now”????  Screw that.  That is honestly really low.  When life gets hard that’s when you need to lean on your SO most and when you need to hear those “I love yous” most.  He’s PURPOSELY withdrawing from you, not just the I love yous but also the lack of affection.

I highly doubt a break would give either of you what you’re looking for.  Frankly it would just prolong the inevitable.  He already has one foot out the door.  It sounds like he isn’t even trying.  I don’t flipping care if he’s stressed out, if he genuinely cared about you and loved you, his current living situation/job situation. wouldn’t get in the way.

I know you don’t want to let this relationship go but there’s really only so much **you** can do.  It sounds like he isn’t even trying.

Post # 9
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think you need to listen to people who just say that “it’s over” and “just leave” because “it’s not working.” If you two were married, I suspect they wouldn’t be so quick to disregard your relationship on your behalf. A bit hasty of them, I’d say.

Hey, maybe you won’t get through this; so it goes. But throwing in the towel immediately is probably unnecessary. Give it some time, and try to curb your anxiety about it. You’re not going to win him over by being anxious. But I do NOT agree that you just walk away. Just chill for a bit. 

Post # 10
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

At this point, I think you’re holding on to the memories and the comfort zone more so than the man in front of you. It sounds like he is currently not doing things to bring you happiness, but you are living in the past with all of the things he used to do that made you happy. As others have said, you will both face so many struggles and stressful moments in life, we all will! If he is becoming distant during this struggle, he will become distan during the next. 

I hate giving an opinion that I know you’ll hate, but I agree with the bees above, it may be the best to walk away now. I’m so sorry xx

Post # 11
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

In my personal opinion, you haven’t really been together long enough to ‘go back’ to the way things were. The first few months of every relationship are a special time–even for couples who make it in the long run. I’m in a really happy long-term relationship, but it doesn’t function like the beginning anymore—thankfully, or the rest of our life would have collapsed around us.

In the beginning we chat/texted all day, couldn’t focus on work. Years later, we call each other 1-5x a day for quick 5min conversation, but don’t really chat/text otherwise. In the beginning, we’d stay up super late talking and were exhausted at work the next days. Years later, we go to bed on time and show up to work refreshed. etc. etc. 

In the beginning, you can’t get enough of each other. Then most couples hit a point where you have to figure out how to build a joyful life together, or you don’t. But neither couple ever gets back to the first few months. 

Post # 12
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

DeniseSecunda :  So him withdrawing and not saying I love you and not cuddling her or hugging her or kissing her for almost a month is a sign that this is just a phase?  I beg to differ.

Post # 13
Member
4357 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

This is still relatively early in the relationship, and things shouldn’t be this hard. If you have to make this much of a concerted effort to be around each other, let alone “together”, then I think you ought to move on. If you take a break, it will more than likely lead to a break up.

Post # 15
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

ljm308 :  I didn’t use the word “phase” at all, nor did I suggest anything of the sort. I said that leaving immediately is hasty. Rather than summing up someone’s words in order to easily disregard them (a logical fallacy, in fact), read for comprehension. 

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