Post # 16
HE CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOU BUT HE CAN’T KISS YOU GOODBYE?!! <—please repeat this to yourself in the mirror. Yes you should feel used, he used you. He doesn’t respect you. DUMP him! You are worth more than this, you deserve so much better!!
Post # 17
Hiiiii everyone! Thanks again for all the advice! We’ve decided to “take a step back” from the relationship because of everything that’s going on. It’s not really a break because we still talk everyday and have made it abundantly clear to one another that we want to be together long term and that neither of us want to see other people, but we need to get over this hump we’ve been facing, and trying to force things isn’t working.
I mentioned to him how I felt hurt that we could sleep together but then not have other things get better, he said that’s exactly what he wanted to avoid and that he obviously didn’t mean to take advantage of me or complicate things which is why he didn’t initiate sex (it’s true, I initiated both times so NO MORE of that nonsense).
I’ve been using this time to get back to the independence and confidence I had before we started dating, and instead of sitting around waiting for him to ask me to hang out I make my own plans and do my own thing. Just this mindset alone has caused a huge change and it feels like so much of the pressure has been taken off of the relationship. I still have my moments of just wanting everything to go back to “normal” but I know that it’s just not the right time due to lots of factors.
The hardest part though is not knowing how long this little season is going to last, because he’s 99% sure he’s moving 3 hours away in a month for a new job opportunity. I did find a therapist that I just started working with so hopefully she can help me deal with the anxiety I’m experiencing about the situation.
I’m also in the mindset that if this doesn’t work out I will survive and be okay! Which helps a lot as well.
Thanks again all! And any further advice is welcome 🙂
Post # 18
hallynn : Honestly…I was rooting for you guys.
But if he takes that job, I’d be inclined to move on. It doesn’t seem like he’s prioritizing you.
FWIW, I dated a guy when I was 23/24. He worked on natural gas rigs, so really remote locations. He moved around a lot, and always told me that he wanted to be with me long term. The anxiety of that situation ruined our relationship. I just couldn’t do it anymore. All of these promises with no real end in sight. At one point I was going to move around with him, but he pulled the plug on that. That was hard to deal with.
So we broke up. And I needed a change. So I moved to Idaho. Yes, Idaho, lol. And you know what he did? He moved DIRECTLY above me in Canada.
But I kept doing my own thing. A year after I moved to Idaho, I got a job offer back in Ohio. I was ready to come home and be with family and actually put some roots down. And you know what he did? He moved back to Ohio the same week I did.
And then I let him back into my life ONE more time. In a way, I’m glad I did. I got closure. He was all talk and no game.
A week after I told him to never call me again was the week I met my husband. We got married 4 years later <3
Post # 19
i think if your asking for advice to leave him or not, just leave him. its easier to go back if he changes. its not easy to drag it on and try to leave later.
Post # 20
I’m still rooting for us too!
I honestly don’t think that’s a fair statement about his job. He’s been working for years towards getting a career position with a fire department, and I’m so incredibly proud and excited for him. When he was applying to places, he ALWAYS asked me first if I’d be okay living there, and he made sure there was a nursing school and hospital nearby so I’d be able to reach my dreams too. He saw getting this job as a way for us to actually start getting serious about a life together. Of course the timing now isn’t the best, as I’m scared of going into long distance if we aren’t 100%. But who knows what’s going to happen.
I’m definitely getting more comfortable with the idea of leaving if things don’t change. I’ve given myself a month, because that’s the amount of time I’m comfortable with. And I’ve promised myself I’ll keep living my own life like I have for the past two weeks as if I was “single,” no other guys or anything like that of course just getting my independence back.
Post # 21
As I’m sure you already know relationships in ems and fire are HARD! The logistics suck, the hours can suck, the personal nature of the job and being in close proximity to other men and other women is tough. Work often comes first and relationship priorities get pushed aside. It makes people crazy and it doesn’t bode well for security and confidence in a relationship. I am a paramedic who’s dating a great guy also a paramedic at the same company, for over a year and a half and for the better part of it we kept it completely secret from our co workers. It avoided a lot of heartache and unnecessary drama. I think trust is paramount but I also think lines get blurred a lot in this field and when you allow that it results in chaos in your personal life.
From your old and new posts it seems like he has one foot out the door. Withholding love, attention and affection is cruel and intentional. Many guys do it to start the path towards a breakup. They know us ladies are emotional and if they deprive us long enough we will leave. Which make them seem like the victim and they don’t have to initiate a breakup and they come out on top. It’s a chicken shit excuse. I think he made a point of saying things might not change because of the sex, before you even had sex in the hotel. That says he is just punishing you, because if we wanted things to get better, he wouldn’t be foreshadowing a reason for them not to. I think he’s feeling the pressure to go to the new job and wants out of the relationship and he is trying to end things slowly and not be the big bad guy. Many men would rather push someone away than do the breaking up. I’m sorry, I hope I’m wrong and you guys can patch things up. Best of luck with everything!
Post # 22
gabrieladawson : Thank you for your reply! I think it helps us that we met in the industry, because I’m more able to understand what goes on and how the relationships work. Now him having a peranent female partner? Haven’t had to face that yet and I know I’d have to work hard at keeping my confidence and trust up, simply because I’m an insecure person (which I’m working on.)
Things have been slowly but surely getting better. We’ve been going out to dinner a lot (him initiating) and he’s been telling me he misses me all the time. We’ve also gotten back to kissing and being affectionate like we were before. I’m trying to keep a level head about it to avoid getting hurt any further but it really seems like we’re getting our relationship back on track. We both messed up and made mistakes throughout this little roller coaster, but it showed us that we can make it through difficult things without giving up on eachother. The entire time he told me he still wants to be with me and sees a future with me, as I do with him. I still don’t fully understand why he struggled so much getting over it, but it seems like stepping back and giving him some breathing room was the right move and is paying off. But again who knows where we’ll end up!
Post # 23
hallynn : sorry Bee… i completely understand you because I have the same anxiety and insecurity. It can strain relationships a lot. So many guys want a cool girl that just lets the guy do whatever they want and still be ok with it. I am not saying anxiety is ok either. You need help with it and it is a struggle. However relationship is a two way thing. He is struggling with stress and expects you to give him space but he does not help you with your anxiety either. He wants you to understand his struggles but he sees your struggles as a burden. I dont think you are right for each other. He needs one of those cool girls and you need someone that’s willing to compromise as well. Anxiety is a genuine struggle and he fails to recognise that and sees you as just nagging and as a burden. That isnt a good sign. Just as much as you try to understand him, he should also see it as a genuine struggle. I would leave him.