Post # 31
thanks for your response 🙂 Yes, your friend sounds like she could be my long lost sister. My parents liked my other boyfriends in college, that I sometimes brought home for weekends, and my mom has said she will apparently accept anyone I bring home if they treat me well. that’s all fine and great…. but my SO treats me well. She just doesn’t remember to follow her own logic that my happiness is paramount, and that she is currently squashing it. Not my SO.
I realized I was the problem because I didn’t know what to do, and that was my issue. It’s the first time I’ve been in a situation like this. I know that I am happy with my SO and that’s why we are still together. He knows I stand up for him, but is hurt that my parents don’t like him. Meannness aside, it’s never a good feeling to know you are disliked, which is what affects him the most. It’s worse that they liked him at first, while we were long distance (MA/VT), but once he moved closer, they claim they “saw his true colors.”
My parents wanted my So to at least go to grad school, which he’s still considering. They want someone at “my level” who treats me well. Apparently if I find that person, he will be gladly welcomed on family vacations and all that. I dont’ know whether to trust my parents for saying that or not….. It is hard to say that I won’t care what they think, because deep down, I am terrified that I will make a mistake like they did. Maybe they know something I can’t know until we are 25 years in the future. On the other hand, I know I am happy right now which is why I’ve kept up the fight for months in order to have my relationship with my SO. Now that holidays are over, I can be more harsh in not talking to them or seeing them to make my point. It’s just sad to waste the few months I have left before i go into super study mode fighting with and ignoring my family.
Post # 32
But thats the thing, you still expect him to be civil and act like nothing happened when clearly they have disrespected him time and time again. In the beginning you didnt stand up for him and you say now you are standing up for him, but really you arent if you are trying to force him to come into your parents house knowing their feelings on him.
If he wants to sit in the car you should respect that. Agreed that he shouldnt say anything about your parents. I would say to him. “Look I have spoken to my parents and told them I dont want to hear them talking bad about you and same goes for you, dont bad mouth them. You can however discuss your feelings if something comes up.”
If you know your parents can barely control how they feel about him wouldnt it be better for him to sit in the car so there isnt a confrontation?
Post # 33
I said in the fall to stop saying bad things about my parents, because it hurt me instead of them. He did stop, and hadn’t said anything bad until his name calling two days ago. We were doing pretty well on that front until Sunday.
My parents are acting crazy, but if he didn’t stop in, that would have been one more thing they had on him– that he doesn’t even have the decency to come inside, or something along those lines. My parents will never apologize, and my So will never apologize (for whatever he might have done wrong, but is basically nothing). It’s two stubborn sides. Outside help suggested that my parents and So just forget the past and start with a clean slate, but… that’s just not how my parents work.
It just makes me really sad when someone is so mean to my parents, regardless of how my parents behaved towards him. I feel protective of them because they have done nothing but good for me growing up. I feel that they don’t deserve me forcing someone who doesn’t like them into our family. |
They say they see red flags with my SO. I know that they aren’t trying to screw me over in life, which is why I let their thoughts infiltrate my mind. I can distinguish what their thoughts are vs my thoughts/emotions, though. I told them i would be on the lookout for said “red flags” but that I have to see them on my own in order for any action to be taken. I’ve been very clear taht I will be making my own choices here. I shouldn’t have to pick sides but apparently in this case I do, because they won’t back off. I also have to figure out if my parents are lying, or if in the future they would actually tolerate a guy I seriously date/marryetc.
My SO knows he can always express his worries about my parents with me, and he does, so he doesn’t need to use the bad language like he did. He knows he has an outlet, which is good and healthy for our relationship.
Thanks for your advice, btw!