Post # 1
I’m looking for some advice here. My fiance and I have been engaged for a year now and we haven’t actually set a date yet. We have been fighting a lot because he seems so unenthusiastic about getting married and also inconsistent. One month he says he has money to pay for the wedding and the next he says he doesn’t think we can afford it! He doesn’t want to put our money together until after we are married. I am 33 and he is 39, never been married, he is on a great income and I am on a decent income so I feel these are excuses to buy more time or avoid it altogether. I have some properties and have said I can sell another one to pay for a wedding. A couple of months ago he agreed we could start trying for children and now he is saying we can’t. By The Way I have told him how I feel and he swears he wants all of this with me. This living in limbo is driving me crazy and is getting serious due to my biological clock (I am 34 in Dec). Where the hell do you draw the line and take care of your own needs? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your decision?
Appreciate your help.
Post # 3
Ask him to just elope – it doesn’t cost very much to do that. See what he says. If he really wants to get married and $ is the issue, he can’t say no to that! If he doesn’t, then you may have your answer.
If you guys are in a financially secure place in your lives, there’s no reason (other than biding time) not to get married within a year or two of being engaged.
Post # 4
Well, you have several issues here. For one thing, getting married doesn’t have to cost much. You can go the JoP route, a short trip somewhere with just a few close people, a backyard event etc. There are a zillion ways to get married (remember it’s all about the marriage, not about the party) without spending a fortune. To clarify, why don’t you ask him if he’d be ready to just go get married in a couple of weeks and then decide what to do about a party. If he agrees, he’s ready to get married. Remember that weddings and marriage are two different things. If you properties or won one together, you can always take a small HELOC to pay for a wedding if that’s important to you. First you need to know if he’s really committed here
Next you have financial concerns. Many people will disagree with me, but I’m a believer that putting money together says something about the commitment. Lots of opinions on this will differ.
You are worried about having children…please please please worry about the marriage part first. For one thing, men typically can’t handle too many major life changes at once. Second, you do not want to be a single mother if he can’t bring himself to commit to a marriage and you decide to end the relationship. I’m pretty old-fashioned in this I know, but women who make a conscious decision to be single moms are different from women who think the guy will be in the picture and then find themselves alone. You have plenty of time left on your “clock”. Children are huge life changers when born into a good, stable marriage. I’d advise handling one thing at a time and whether or not he’s going to marry you would be a first priority. Time for him to fish or cut bait. He’s old enough to know.
Post # 5
@esplanfreedom: I wish I knew what to say. Drawing a line in the sand isn’t always the best way. I have been there, I did that. I regretted it. There is a want to please you there, but there is also something else in his mind. (not always bad). Maybe nerves, maybe uncertainty about the process of the wedding. Whatever that is, you might need to find out what that is. And that can be difficult. Try not to push, try to be patient. Maybe try counciling. I don’t think he is doing it to hurt you or spite you…. he has a doubt somewhere. Maybe not in who he is with…. but maybe in how it works..
Hope This Helps
Post # 6
We talked about eloping and of course he agrees to it, as he does to all of it and then he’ll just back down. It’s like he’s on autopilot sometimes and says what I want to hear. It’s so confusing and frustrating being in this relationship at the moment. Why doesn’t he just tell me why he’s being like this? The only things I can think of are – he is not ready or he is having doubts about me all of which he denies!! It isn’t supposed to be like this! The man is supposed to be willing! I feel like I can’t leave until he is open with me and tells me the whole problem so I have some sort of closure. He won’t though and tells me there is no problem and he doesn’t know why he acts this way! Arrrrgh! How can a man of his age be so emotionally closed off and immature. I have begged him to be open with me, asked him if he wants to end it. He has had so many chances to end it. I hate being stuck in limbo so I guess I should just go.
Thanks for reading my rant! 🙂
Post # 7
Do you think it’s possible that he is just really happy with the status quo and he’s thinking, why take the next step unless I really have to to keep her from walking out of my life?
Post # 8
That could be true and if that is the case it’s a concern that he’s disregarding what I want and how I feel. I guess some men aren’t very emotional creatures.
Thanks for our response 🙂
Post # 9
I would tell him that you’re 33, he’s 39, and it’s really time to set a date if you want a family together. If he puts it off again, I would leave him. That may spur him into action, at which point it’ll be up to you to decide whether it’s too late for him or not.
I know this is easy for me to say and incredibly painful to do…it’s my honest advice.
Post # 10
I agree, tell him that if he won’t commit to a date then you are going to assume he’s not serious about marrying you and you’ll move on to someone who does want to have a life and a marriage with you, harsh I know but boys often need to be told things in black and white
Post # 11
I feel like I’m at the point where I’m scared to suggest setting a date with him because I know he will agree and then leave it and nothing will be said about it ever again unless I initiate a discussion. I will then be disappointed yet again!
Post # 12
Honestly. You need to look at the next 5 years of your life and realize what you want and need to be happy. It’s obvious to anyone reading your post that marriage and kids are on that list.
If you sit your Fiance down and express your concerns in a rational and open way and he still balks, run! You don’t have the time to waste another moment on this man when you should be spending it looking for someone that is serious about making that commitment to you that you deserve!
Tell him under no circumstances are you putting off selecting a date another day and that you’ve been more then fair waiting a year to do so. If he wasn’t ready to marry you, he shouldn’t have asked!
Post # 13
I would have a discussion with him about deadlines and your timeline and if you guys don’t agree and stick to it, you need to decide if it’s worth walking away from. Some guys will talk the talk, but not walk the walk because they want you around, but have something else going on. Maybe he’s just not motivated to plan a wedding or maybe he isn’t ready for all of those things. If he says that he is, then he needs to walk the walk too. Sorry you’re going through that.