(Closed) Where do you draw the line?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ask him to just elope – it doesn’t cost very much to do that. See what he says. If he really wants to get married and $ is the issue, he can’t say no to that! If he doesn’t, then you may have your answer.

If you guys are in a financially secure place in your lives, there’s no reason (other than biding time) not to get married within a year or two of being engaged.

Post # 4
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Well, you have several issues here. For one thing, getting married doesn’t have to cost much. You can go the JoP route, a short trip somewhere with just a few close people, a backyard event etc. There are a zillion ways to get married (remember it’s all about the marriage, not about the party) without spending a fortune. To clarify, why don’t you ask him if he’d be ready to just go get married in a couple of weeks and then decide what to do about a party. If he agrees, he’s ready to get married. Remember that weddings and marriage are two different things. If you properties or won one together, you can always take a small HELOC to pay for a wedding if that’s important to you. First you need to know if he’s really committed here


Next you have financial concerns. Many people will disagree with me, but I’m a believer that putting money together says something about the commitment. Lots of opinions on this will differ.


 You are worried about having children…please please please worry about the marriage part first. For one thing, men typically can’t handle too many major life changes at once. Second, you do not want to be a single mother if he can’t bring himself to commit to a marriage and you decide to end the relationship. I’m pretty old-fashioned in this I know, but women who make a conscious decision to be single moms are different from women who think the guy will be in the picture and then find themselves alone. You have plenty of time left on your “clock”. Children are huge life changers when born into a good, stable marriage. I’d advise handling one thing at a time and whether or not he’s going to marry you would be a first priority. Time for him to fish or cut bait. He’s old enough to know. 

Post # 5
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@esplanfreedom:  I wish I knew what to say. Drawing a line in the sand isn’t always the best way. I have been there, I did that. I regretted it. There is a want to please you there, but there is also something else in his mind. (not always bad). Maybe nerves, maybe uncertainty about the process of the wedding. Whatever that is, you might need to find out what that is. And that can be difficult. Try not to push, try to be patient. Maybe try counciling. I don’t think he is doing it to hurt you or spite you…. he has a doubt somewhere. Maybe not in who he is with…. but maybe in how it works..

Hope This Helps

Post # 7
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Do you think it’s possible that he is just really happy with the status quo and he’s thinking, why take the next step unless I really have to to keep her from walking out of my life?

Post # 9
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would tell him that you’re 33, he’s 39, and it’s really time to set a date if you want a family together. If he puts it off again, I would leave him. That may spur him into action, at which point it’ll be up to you to decide whether it’s too late for him or not. 

I know this is easy for me to say and incredibly painful to do…it’s my honest advice. 

Post # 10
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree, tell him that if he won’t commit to a date then you are going to assume he’s not serious about marrying you and you’ll move on to someone who does want to have a life and a marriage with you, harsh I know but boys often need to be told things in black and white

Post # 12
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@stillme:  +1

Honestly. You need to look at the next 5 years of your life and realize what you want and need to be happy. It’s obvious to anyone reading your post that marriage and kids are on that list.

If you sit your Fiance down and express your concerns in a rational and open way and he still balks, run! You don’t have the time to waste another moment on this man when you should be spending it looking for someone that is serious about making that commitment to you that you deserve! 

Tell him under no circumstances are you putting off selecting a date another day and that you’ve been more then fair waiting a year to do so. If he wasn’t ready to marry you, he shouldn’t have asked!

Post # 13
1526 posts
Bumble bee

I would have a discussion with him about deadlines and your timeline and if you guys don’t agree and stick to it, you need to decide if it’s worth walking away from. Some guys will talk the talk, but not walk the walk because they want you around, but have something else going on. Maybe he’s just not motivated to plan a wedding or maybe he isn’t ready for all of those things. If he says that he is, then he needs to walk the walk too. Sorry you’re going through that.

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